A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I'm in a very serious long-distance relationship with my girlfriend of two years. We met senior year in high school, after we both were committed to different colleges, and so we made the choice to attempt a four-year long-distance thing. Anyway, the distance isn't really the issue, but I wanted to give a little context. Early in the relationship, my girlfriend seemed much more interested in sex than she is now. We were both virgins when we started dating, and after five or six months, we began to have sex. For the first year and a half or so, things were very passionate, and she seemed just as driven to have sex as I was. When we were away at school, we'd mess around via Skype or write each other dirty stories or send each other dirty texts, etc. Anything to make the distance easier, since we only got to see each other for one weekend a month or so. We were always experimenting with new things -- she'd wear lingerie, or surprise me with massage oils, and she was always reading the sex tips in cosmo magazine. Now, things are way different. We still have sex, and I can tell she still enjoys it, but she doesn't seem to put any effort into it anymore. She just doesn't seem excited about it -- I know she enjoys sex, but most of her motivation is just to appease me. I appreciate that she'll have sex with me mostly for my sake, but it doesn't make me feel sexually wanted or attractive, and the sex just isn't that good when she's not really that into it. She doesn't like to talk dirty anymore, or mess around on Skype, or any of the things we used to do to, and now I feel a bit weird and guilty texting or saying something sexual. I know that she knows how I feel, but it hasn't made things any better because now there's all this pressure and tension surrounding our sex life, and it makes things awkward and generally less enjoyable. I can tell she feels bad any time she turns me down, and will have sex with me just because she feels bad for not being so excited about it anymore, but obviously that doesn't solve things -- if she's having sex out of guilt, she clearly isn't that excited or passionate about it. I have no idea how to make things go back to normal at this point. I often blame myself for all of these issues, since I'm the one with the problem -- she's satisfied with our sex life. I feel really awful for bringing this stuff up and making her feel all this pressure, and now I don't even know how to fix it.I'm really confused. I have all of these conflicting ideas rushing through my head. I can't help but think that the first year of sex was her doing a bunch of stuff that she wasn't really ever comfortable with just to make me happy, and now that we've been together a while, she feels confident enough to not do any of it anymore. Some days I'm not sure if I'm just making things up and being crazy, but other times I'm sure that she's definitely less interested and excited about sex than she used to be. It makes me feel like I have unreasonable expectations of her, or that I'm doing something wrong. I don't know what's reasonable for me to expect of her, especially because it's not like we don't have sex when we see each other. We definitely make use of our opportunities, but things just seem so different now. I just wish she still seemed excited about sleeping with me. I don't know -- maybe I'm just not as exciting in bed anymore. I don't really have any new tricks and I don't really last that long anyway, to be honest. With all the added pressure, it's not that surprising. Even if I had new stuff for us to try, I don't think she'd be that receptive anyway. It's making me really depressed and anxious, and since I have to spend so much time away from her anyway, having good, passionate sex when we're together is so much more important than usual because it's so rare. Anyway, at this point I'm sure you have a decent idea of how I feel and what's been going on. Any advice you can offer me would be greatly appreciated.Thanks so much in advance for all your help,-Scott
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think of all of the things that have been said, the most accurate is that when we finally get to see each other there is too much emphasis on ensuring that we have sex, which puts a lot of pressure on the act and is a bit of a turn off. As far as the distance making us less close than we used to be, I really don't know. Maybe so, but we talk on the phone multiple times a day, and at this point we've been doing the long-distance thing for a year and a half. More likely is that we've just become complacent in the distance, and have stopped trying to do things to alleviate it. Now that I think about it, the sex isn't the only thing that's gone downhill. Last year I wrote her a letter almost every day, and I just about broke my bank account sending her flowers. Maybe I need to get back to that. I honestly don't think the sex itself is the issue, for whoever wrote the other answer. I mentioned in my question that I'm not that good and don't last that long, but what I lack during the act I make up for with tenderness and foreplay. I don't think that's the issue. I also think I do a pretty good job of being romantic, although maybe not as much as I used to.
Anyway, thanks so much for the responses. I'd love to hear any other angles that anyone else might have.
-Scott
A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (23 January 2011):
 hi
i think that the long distance is having an impact on her sexual feelings for you. you are not as close, because you are not seeing each other as regularly, you are not sharing(non-sexual) experiences together that keep you close, she may be feeling depressed coz she misses you and the LDR is unsatisfactory for her. when you DO get together the emphasis seems to be on ENSURING you have sex, and this in itself can be a turn off.
if these above reasons are true then unfortunately while you are still separated at your colleges, you will just have to do what you can to work round this. i think you should take the initiative to try something new, she will probably welcome this and i do not think that the passionate person she was previously was in any way false, i think you guys are different now just because your life situation has changed. is it possible that you can take a holiday somewhere together? have some bonding time
xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): Hey Scott, look man- I'm a girl! And I feel exactly like you're girlfriend. It's just that I see my boyfriend is exited about it, but I'm really not in the mood and I feel bad when i say "No!" But... You know we've been doing it for a year almost and... I need to know he wants me, I'm sure thats one of the things you girlfriends missing! Don't do it like you have to, just because you don't see each other that often. Touch her, kiss her, stroke her hair. She need to know that you want her like you wanted her the first time. Make it romantic. Don't just jump on her like "You want some?! Lets do it!!" I know what you both are going trough! Thats what me and my boyfriend are going trough... I hope this helps! And remember don't be all mushy just because of the sex! Be that way all the time! Talk to her about you life together, make plans in the future, look at her, tell her she's pretty, she need to see that you care! I mean sec depends on a lot of other things believe me!
Good luck! =]
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