A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:(background info)Me and my girlfriend met back in Sep of 07. We worked in the same town and I would often see her at her job. I fell in love with her smile and how she always made me laugh. She said she was talking to someone and that she was not really involved. It turns out that the other guy didn't feel that way. So me and her kept talking and more and more feelings grew. by Dec of 07 I couldn't take it anymore. She would travel to another state to see him and then come back and see me. I basically made her choose and she chose me. I was the happiest guy ever. A month later I realized they were still keeping in touch which was very noticeable in our relationship. I finally told her it has to end if she really wants to be with me. So she finally told him about me and they parted ways. So for a while she was depressed and things were very dificult. I take and pick her up from work. I take her to lunch everyday because money is tight with her and she made a few mstakes financially in the past. I make sure she has everything. I do it because I love her (I don't want to make it seem like she owes me for anything). I see her all the time. Now I'm going to start with myself because I am no angel. I never cheated, I show my feelings, and I analyze A LOT. I did look through her phone once and saw some flirty messages and when she asked me I told her that I looked through it. I never lie to her and will always tell the truth even if I look bad in the process. So let's skip to the current day issues. When ever she gets text messages it's a secret, When she gets calls it's a secret. When she has a conversation with her mother or friends it's all a secret. She says I don't need to know. She tells me absolutely nothing at all not even the small little insignificant things. When I ask her where she is she says I dont need to know, She doesnt tell me where she goes or when she comes back or who she is with. All I ever get is that I dont need to know. We ended up talking with her mom and her mom basically said I need to man up and she doesn't have to tell me anything at all.. Ok so that's mostly the big issue. When I take her to work she has to scan the surrounding before she gives me a kiss or shows any affection. We have sex possibly once a month (im 26 y/o). We used to have sex allllllll the time. She also used to live in the neighboring state at one time which is where the other guy lived and where her best friend lives. She doesnt want me to go there or go to the places she likes down there or meet her friends from down there. I dont know why. Then there is MYSPACE issue. Me and her have had endless fights about that stupid website. She makes no comments about me (or any other guy). She makes it seem like she is contemplative (it says it on there) In her photos there is one picture of her and her best friend, one of her and her nephew, and like 6 of her and him or him by himself. She refuses to take them down. Then she had a top "4" with him in it. She changed it to a top "8" so that she could include me in it (before him) but he is still there. She wont put we are in a relationship or anything. She wont accept my comments at all. Everytime we talk and I ask any questions she always gets mad and says I never give her a chance to tell me anything and that I am always asking questions and she feels interrogated. So a few things happened and I never asked a question or inquired in any way possible and still she never said anything about the things that have happened. Also I dont understand why she thinks flirting is ok. It only leads to problems. She also likes to dress scandalous when she goes out to the clubs with her friends and I don't like that at all. If its with me I dont mind but not when I am not there. Also she likes to dance with other guys when I dont go. I find that to be a problem. Its not like regular dancing nowadays. She is basically grinding her butt into the guys crotch and when there is liquor involved I just dont trust guys i'm sorry. This is something that is really hindering our relationship. She wont compromise with me on anything. I really need an insane amount or advice... HELPPPPPPPPPPPP
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionso the weekend is over and it was the worst weekend i have ever had.. we called each other back and forth... she went clubbin, dressed scandalous, danced with guys, drank and went to house parties... when monday rolled around we fought over the phone for about an hour.. she swore she never saw her ex and didnt talk to him at all...i called her and she didnt answer her phone for 6 hours!!.. that was before we started to fight. So I told her I was thinking bout ending the whole thing. She cried and said she missed me and wanted tocome home to me and that she loved me. I picked her up from the train station and she gave me a hug and a kiss on the neck (im alot taller then her.) that is more affection then i have seen from her in a while. So we talked for about 3 hours and then parted for the night. She managed to convince me that we could make it work and that she will try harder to make some changes... So today I took herto work and then picked her up for lunch. For some reason i still had a very uneasy feeling about her weekend. Its like one of those gut feelings.. So When she went to the bathroom i looked through her phone. Look what I found a message from her ex saying to call him when she was ready to see him and stuff.. So i looked somemore and it turns out they hung out. She came out and I threw her phone at her and all kinds of names came out of my mouth. I dont think I can do this anymore now. ..
so I hope no one takes offense to this but it always seems like the women side with the women like they do nothing wrong. This site also confirmed it. Why is it they think they never do anything wrong and what not. My advice is follow your gut feeling. Mine was right. I have never been wrong and I dont know why I didnt listen to it this time. I know nowadays women have evolved and we are all equal and such, but I believe the old fashioned way still applies. A women should not be dressing certain ways or acting certain ways if she isnt with her man. If she is single then she can do whatever.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk I get what you are all saying for the most part. You said that your surprised she is with me still because i manage her myspace sort of speak. If you were in a relationship where your boyfriend/girlfriend's ex is still on the page, pictures are still up (none of you) and most of the pictures are of that other person or them together. Would you not find that to be a problem? How about the other state issue? He lives there and she doesnt want me to go there with her. I can go by myself but I cant go with her. Her favorite place to eat down there I am not allowed to go to.
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male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (20 May 2008):
 Well, unfortunately, my original advice still stands. I think that you two need to sit someplace on neutral ground and have that big discussion about if you are going to continue or move on from each other. You've got to get her to open up and tell you what she's thinking and what she wants to do about it. I really don't see much choice. Obviously, the details lie with the two of you and there's only so much any of us here can do to help you... other than to press on the open dialogue that's needed. I'm sorry... it might take you to make the decision to call it quits here (assuming she doesn't). This situation is just as unfair to both of you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): ok the dancing and clubbing outfits i dont see a problem with. i think that every girl has the right to wear what she wants to wear, that being said your girl seems a little scandalous anyways, all of the actions that you are stating are all pointing toward her having another relationship maybe even a few different ones. I know that you are in love with her but at some point you have to say enough is enough and break it off, you deserve a girlfriend that will devote time to you and isnt afraid to be seen with you and talks to you. remember a relationship is about being with your bestfriend not someone your fighting for and with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand what you mean but when I try and explain it on here it sounds wrong. I know I'm not perfect and never claim to be. Its not that Im tryig to know everything its that she doesn't tell me anything. Nothing at all. And how would you explain this other life in the other state? She said I can go down there but she wont go with me. I said I want to see what its like down there and to see what she loves about being there. I know I can be a bit controlling but I believe im just trying to grasp onto something. We dont have a foundation anymore and there is no more common ground. I push her to better herself and to further her education. I tell her I wont always be around (my line of work) and that if something happened she would need to be able to provide and care for herself. So when I say she doesnt tell me anything its like we have nothing to talk about anymore. I share my whole life with her. Everything that happens with me and my friends even if its bad. I never sugar coat anything because I believe its better to be hurt once by the truth then twice because of a lie.
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reader, PeterPan +, writes (20 May 2008):
This is going to be blunt, then I'll try to explain it in the following paragraphs.
My first impression?... she's no long happy and you are a bit of a control freak. Yeah, that's harsh, but let me explain both...
Your GF just isn't acting happy any more. Something like this happened to me once, the reverse way. A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, I had a GF and we were established and happy with each other. But, from time to time, I'd get calls from some of the women I used know from college, one of them being my ex-college-girlfriend... who happened to call maybe once in a while. In my case, I thought it was strange that she'd call me since she pretty much broke up with me back in college, but I was always warm and friendly with her when she would call. To me, it was strange, but no big deal... to my GF, it was driving her nuts. So we spoke about it and I agreed to asking the ex to stop calling me because she was screwing up my current situation. After crying on the phone, I never heard from her again... now, if I had refused to say good-bye once and for all, I'm sure that I would have kept those conversations secretive... if you've effectively cut her off from somebody that's in her past, that could be making her resentful of you and causing her not to be happy around you...
Now, as for you... yes, I can understand all the secretive behavior and the dress-code and clubbing issues. But at the same time, can you see that you're trying to control aspects of her life? You might not be directly aware of it, but you are trying to keep her on a short leash here. Her being extra secretive might be her trying to protect what little individuality she feels she has left.
What's the solution to all this? I think you need to have a straight forward basic conversation -- "Are you happy with me?" Then take it from there. You may be looking at the realistic ending of what you have. She might be more attracted to this other guy. If that's the case, then I think you should let her go. I you feel it's a mistake, it's probably better to let her find out for herself. You guys have reached some kind impasse that either you can solve by re-defining your relationship to give her room for the independence she seems to want vs. you need to care/guide her. And, as I said before, if the best thing to do is call it a done relationship, allow it to happen. Wouldn't you rather see her happy with somebody else as opposed to with you and miserable?
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