| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I'm having a childish issue. I'm seeing a new guy. We were friends before we started dating... I actually saw him as a friend, well, for all the time he was trying to win me over (which was MONTHS), and I actually started things out with him as a "no strings attached" deal - beginning this year I finally broke up with my extremely controlling, jealous, abusive, cheating ex, so I actually had TONS of doubts and fears regarding dating... but he wanted more and these last two months we started getting more attached and such. I'm really happy with him.The thing is, he saw me as a potentially serious "girlfriend material" woman from the beginning... but he was a player. And I knew this, because we were friends, so I entered the relationship knowing quite a bit about what he'd done, who he'd been with, etc. Some girls I know. I'm OK with that, never had an issue, I felt confident actually.But yesterday, he decided to be honest. Out of the blue he told me he had slept with a girl from our circle, who I like a lot, but I've always seen her as a "threat"... partly because she embodies everything I'm not and always have wanted to be since high school (and will never be), and partly because the last guy I'd seriously liked (before my new BF) liked her more than he liked me.She's the über sweet, girly girl type. She's very skinny and dainty, and classically beautiful. Guys always fawn over her and idealize her. She has pale skin and great hair. I'm tall, not skinny (but also not fat... I guess so-so? I have love handles though), curvy with very thick thighs and hips (hate them), tan skinned and with an ugly face, and awful hair. I'm more introverted, intellectual and geeky... I just can't be all sweet and girly all the time, because it's just not me. Guys never fawn over me, and I get attention but not as much as she does. What I felt when he told me: first, like I'd preferred he didn't tell me. It was like a punch right in the stomach. Then I felt ashamed... because, despite being smart, talented and geeky (things he loves), I know I'm ugly and fat compared to her... I know I'm quirky and my demeanor is not very feminine all the time. I felt ashamed and insecure. Like why be with me if he's had better? And I see her often, WE see her often... now I feel all inferior compared to her. Like she's the perfect cheerleader to my fat, nerdy loser (if this were high school).He was like "Now I feel great, I felt it was the elephant in the room and you should know". I thanked him for being honest and said it wasn't a big deal, because I know it shouldn't be... this is my issue... but I feel bad. It's kinda killing me. I feel so... UGLY and UNFEMININE... ASHAMED... he's so loving towards me, he says I'm beautiful, smart, talented and just great... but this hit right to my "insecurity center", I feel like second best, and I know I shouldn't because he LOVES me, and he only saw her sexually. But that makes it worse... it's like she's so hot and perfect that he couldn't resist, while I'm great "for the inside" and not sexually desirable. And awful as it is, yes, I like feeling desirable, yes, feeling I'm beautiful is a big part of my self esteem and such. I think it's the same for all women... we're just so conditioned to think about our physical value first, all the rest second.How can I deal? I don't want to talk about it with him, because I will come off as insecure, and it's embarrassing to admit. Also when I see her, how can I not feel inferior? I just feel like a disgusting pig now compared to her... how do I know he doesn't want her anymore? That SHE doesn't want HIM anymore? :(
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broke up, insecure, jealous, my ex, player, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2013): Hi OP,
I think almost every girl has been where you are, feeling threatened by someone more physically attractive than us, whether they're just friends with our boyfriends or in your case, someone they've slept with in the past. The only way to fix it is to come to terms with a few things: there will always been someone out there better looking than you out there (as true for 99.999% of women)
Even the other .001% aren't everyone's cup of tea.
There's a reason why he wanted to be in a relationship with you, not her. Believe me, if he got her in the sack, if he wanted to go out with her, he would. My point is, he hasn't he's chosen you. You need to write down all your good qualities, and then go about improving on these qualities, either working at your sense of humour, self esteem, generosity etc.
Lastly, many women out there, including myself would love to be taken more seriously and seen as relationship material by men, not just a sex object. So you're lucky in that aspect.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2013): Wow, how do you not break the mirror everytime you look into it given how much you hate what you see?
It is heartbreaking!
'I'm tall, not skinny (but also not fat... I guess so-so? I have love handles though), curvy with very thick thighs and hips (hate them), tan skinned and with an ugly face, and awful hair. I'm more introverted, intellectual and geeky...'
My God I have never heard anyone put themselves down so much.
Since you are an intellectual, I will ask you some questions that will help you soul search about why you do not love yourself.
Who / what decided tall is bad?
Who / what decided skinny is good?
Who / what decided love handles are awful?
Who / what decided thick thighs and hips are preposterous?
Who / what decided tan skin was not attractive?
Who / what decided what an ugly face is?
Who / what decided glossy hair is a must?
Just because this is what you've seen in the media. Or just because you've met some men who prefer one type over another, it does not mean that everything other than this socially constructed ideal is disgusting.
Having pale skin does/ thin thighs / glossy hair / no hips / being short does not make you a great companion in life. It does not make sex with you any different. It does not make you any more qualified to have a fulfilling professional and social life.
All you need in life is to attract someone who loves your personality. And you've done that. The rest is moot.
Now you need to look in the mirror with fresh eyes. To recognise brainwashing for what it is. Can you logically explain to your future daughter / little sister / friend why she should love herself less if she does not tick all of the above boxes? No? Because it's nonsense.
You only have one body and one life. Change the things that you want to and accept those you can't. It must be a miserable existence to go through life feeling like a shadow of what you must be. For no reason at all.
You really really really need to work on your self esteem. Your life will be so much happier for it.
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A
female
reader, Emil__x  +, writes (12 December 2013):
Hi! When did being "pretty" mean that a woman is worth more? or better in general? She was just a girl there for sex. In fact, even him telling you that is a bit idiotic. This guy im seeing did the same, told me this girl was the best thing to ever happen to him. He, unlike your guy, does not compliment my looks or my intelligence or my sense of humour..basically nothing. In fact, he doesnt kiss me or hug me..why am i dating him?? But im a fatter girl who's losing and yes, it makes me feel terrible, not even good enough to kiss. At least your man is showing you and telling you...he's not making you feel like you're worthless and unwanted. These are your insecurities...having big hips and thighs is womanly! and all women have different body shapes. If you dont like your hair, get a new style, try different products, if you feel fat, tone up a little...you just arent that skinny shape like her. I remember my mum saying the same thing about this girl she knew...my mum is actually beautiful! Honestly and she felt insecure, unreal...because she just wasnt small and skinny but had a wider, more womanly body...everyone is different, love yourself just as you are! We women need to realise we are more than just boobs and bums and that we have massive potential to live a wonderful, fulfilling life!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (12 December 2013):
 I perceive TWO issues in your submittal....
First... early on, you tell us that you and this guy "...started things out (with him) as a "no strings attached" deal..." Unfortunately, that put you in the precarious postition of having only a REMOTE chance of ever becoming a REAL "G/F" with this guy. Remember: Once a guy gets a girl to put out for him... then all bets are "off" for him behaving nicely....
The other issue is your self-image. The remainder of your words scream to me that you are competing (in your mind) with this little tart with whom you compete for this guy's attention. THAT, is a waste of time. Once the guy was "off the hook"... to act like a gentleman (see above).. THEN the other girl got a free ride in to your head... and, thereby, got YOU to deteriorate in to self-doubt....
For your sanity... forget about this guy.... REGARDLESS how delightful you would like to believe he is. Forget about "the other girl." Instead, spend your time and energy reminding yourself what a nice person you are... AND, what a great partner you would be FOR A DESERVING GUY!!! Then, wait until you encounter that deserving guy... and become HIS girlfriend, on your terms...
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2013): (I'm the OP)
To Cindy,
I probably didn't explain clearly so I apologize. It began as NSA on my end, as he wanted more, but I was reluctant to commit (I was just seeing him though, I just wasn't comfortable with the idea of attachment).
What happened with her happened BEFORE we started anything, so it wasn't cheating... which makes this such a childish issue. I mean, in my last relationship, my ex used to torment me with jealousy of my past. I always thought it was stupid of him to feel so threatened by that... and now I'm the one being stupid, according to MY OWN STANDARDS!
It's just I've known them for a while and they never seemed to be into each other, she actually has a LDR... so when he told ne it was a shock. But I guess my ego is hurt and I feel scared that they still want each other, because she's so pretty, and I'm not. It's like maybe if she didn't have a boyfriend my guy would be all over her.
I've always had a massive inferiority complex regarding appearance, and specifically compared to her, because I'd already "lost" a guy I liked to her (another guy, not my current boyfriend). So it's like all over again, her beauty won.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 December 2013):
 I am not that clear about the situation.... Are you two dating now ? What begun as a NSA did eventually turn into an all strings attached, or even some strings attached ?..
I would think so, otherwise he had no need to fess up ( it would not have been any of your business who he is sleeping with, in lack of any committment ) but most of all he would not have felt guilty about his escapade with the dainty girl.
If this is tho case and I got it right- well, of course you feel bad about it : he CHEATED on you ! Tbh, I am also surprised that you see this like some sirt of a beauty contest between you and Miss Dainty. If he cheated, what difference does it make if he cheated with a pretty girl or with an ugly girl ?! He cheated !, and you can't feel positive about it .
On the other hand, if the attachemnt is mostly on your side, or if he is getting attached nevertheless does not want to be exclusive with you- sorry, only yourself to blema. I understand how you could feel jealous and threatened even if you technically don't have the right , but- technically you don't have the right to be jealous because no fidelity has been promised,and you can only keep your fingers croseed that he does not get distracted by other girls, huge or petite does not matter, since he seems to be an equal opportunity dater ( or player ).
In the ( very common ) case of insecurities about self image, we Aunts generally will all be like : come on, don't let your insecurities get at you, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, a man who loves you , loves YOU because you are you just the way you are, if he fell in love with you is also BECAUSE OF your unique flaws and imperfections and not in spite of them, ... etc.etc.
Now, it's not that this is untrue and that we say it just to be nice- it is very true. with the right premises and in the right context. If ths guy has not actually CHOSEN you yet, and does not love you / is not in love with you... then obviously the reasoning does not work, If you are not special to him, a guy may like you and also like dozen of other people and when he gets a good offer for trading up, he will, and there's nothing to do .
So, for any girl who is markedly insecure or uncomfortable about her looks, maybe it's not a good idea first hanging out and be involved sexually ( more so, with a notorious player ) and then wait that a real, solid enotional attachement develops. Perhaps it would have been better doing the opposite....
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