A
female
age
36-40,
*lexia846
writes:What am I doing wrong in dating? I want to preface by saying that I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship for five years until I walked away. A big reason why I walked away was because after enough was enough I also fell for someone in my graduate thesis class who noticed me for me (this was in a professional manner) but it opened my eyes to see that people could look at me and make me feel good as if I was worthy. I fell in love with the idea of this man and have been searching for someone that can see past my blond hair and big boobs and can value me for the kind person that I believe I am. While I was in that class I fell in love with the idea of such a man even though I didn't know my colleague personally the way he talked and the way he seemed not judgmental and kind I thought was super attractive. Fast forward three years later I have gone on four dates and I seem to find that men are dogs they want sex and only that - I tried dating sites and even educated men with MBAa and investors seemed so cruel and only wanted sex which I never give in because I have old fashioned morals. My coworkers whom I despise because they are so negative always say that well u look like a playboy playmate these nerdy guys won't go out with u - u need to be plain-- is this true? Why do I have to change myself for someone to appreciate me? Should I - it seems like I will never find someone who will appreciate me and certainly never anyone who can see past my looks and make me feel like I felt in my class when I felt that I could be myself. I even thought really educated men would know the difference and be less judgemental but they aren't. I am nice and I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt but what am I doing wrong? Should I tone it down meaning the blonde hair, the makeup and just look plain so geeky simple guys won't be so intimidated? I have then "Kate upton" look - please advice I feel hopeless and lost
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 December 2013):
 OP, I have never used the color of a woman's hair to determine her ability to be a tramp or not.
It's way more than that.
As for dressing... I dress up nearly every day in a skirt or dress for a job where most folks wear jeans. It's my choice and my husband's choice to have me dress this way.
I can say that a large bosom can be distracting to men in general and it's worse with cleavage... and even if you are NOT trying to have cleavage with a large bosom it's hard not to. I used to be a 48DDD so I get it.
My advice on this:
not saying you dress like a tramp or anything but, go out and get a GOOD professional bra fitting I"m betting you are wearing the wrong size if you have not had one recently. Spend the extra money on awesome foundation garments. (A good supportive bra minimizer or not for a woman of ample size is going to run minimum of about 50 dollars on sale so be prepared)
invest in a bunch of camis. in multiple neutral shades a couple of black and nudes at minimum and wear them UNDER any top that comes down below your collar bone (at least for work.
Now that I'm of an average size I get lots and lots of looks from men from their late 20s to their early 80s I kid you not. I'm at that lovely middle stage where boys want older women and older men think I'm a younger woman... it's fun but it tends to make me uncomfortable so now for work and that type of event I will wear a cami under almost every top I wear to even avoid the accidental cleavage incident.
I wear subtle make up daily but you can tell I have make up on. I Like dressing up and being feminine and I find that sexy has a totally different meaning at work than it does out with my friends. I have lots of dresses I will not wear to work due to the length of them...they are just a smidge too short to wear to work... but I wear them on date night with hubby....
there is no crime in cleaning up well and looking good... just dress with IMPLIED sexuality... if you wear a pencil skirt, you wear an over top not something form fitting... an A-line skirt can take a form fitting top.
Also make sure all your stuff fits perfectly... too tight is trashy and not attractive...too loose is sloppy and not attractive.
if you can't find OFF the rack stuff that fits.. invest in a good tailor or seamstress as nearly 80% of OTR clothes need alterations of some sort. Buy to fit your problem areas (in your case your bosom) and have the rest tailored.
I find I'm treated with a bit more respect by most folks and my boss actually seems to think that my work has improved due to my new style of dress (only been dressing this way for about 3 years and I've been in the job for 8 already)...
A
female
reader, alexia846 +, writes (12 December 2013):
alexia846 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to sageoldguy!! I do not dress skimpy it is simply my hair color that my coworkers says will attract the wrong men .. I also do not shove my breast out and act as of I am a playmate but my breasts are big and you cannot hide them
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (12 December 2013):
 I think your submittal gives us a substantial picture of who YOU are. Specifically, you write: "...someone that can see past my blond hair and big boobs and can value me for the kind person that I believe I am."
I think that the most-important person who needs to "value (you) for the kind of person that (you) are...." is YOU!!!!
Your submittal is rife with discussion of what OTHERS "think of you"... and how THEY behave toward you... but is absent YOU, being YOU.... and just relaxing, being a pleasant woman, and enjoying the company of others in your presence.
I suggest that you spend 'way less of your mental energy considering how/why/when/where to find a man-partner.... and much more time enjoying your life... your attractive looks.. your good health... AND, let nature take its course. If.. and WHEN... there is a man who will "....see past my blond hair and big boobs and can value me for the kind person that I believe I am...." he'll be there... will introduce himself, and you and he can see where things go from there....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 December 2013):
 If you dress like a stripper, you will without a doubt attract men who sees you as nothing but a pair of walking tits.
What you wear DOES send a signal, but I don't think you have to all of a sudden dress like frumpy old lady.
I'm not sure how Kate Upton dresses, but I would go with a more classic, put together look that doesn't make people focus on your breasts/body first. But since you have a nice body I don't think you should HAVE to hide it either, there are more then one way to show it off.
Your make- up - again I don't know how your's look. If it's a LOT of make up then I would actually tone it down. Because since you have a job sometimes (specially in a work environment) less is more. When you go out with friends you can put on the war paint to your hearts content.
Do you have to be plain? no, not at all. But you DO have to dress for the occasion. And looking like a playmate at work might not be the most professional look.
I would find it a shame if a gorgeous girl HAS to hide herself so that men aren't intimidated. I mean, Seriously?
I think because you are pretty, you might have to run into more toads then a more average girl, unfortunately.
My advice, don't give up and NEVER date a colleague.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2013): Ever watch Big Bang Theory? yea... those guys really are like that... trust me, I know. -.-" and I gotta agree with the guy on the first post. seriously, they are so wrapped up on their work that they lack social skills sometimes. Good luck though
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2013): You are not going to look plain, if you don't wear tones of make up.
Clothes talk too. If yu were skimpy clothes that shows of your boobs, and if on topof that they are big, of course guys will stare at them and will think you are exposing them to attract attention.
I have an example for you. I ussualy dress business like during a day, because of work. Men look like everyone else but in everyday life they don't run after me asking me for phon number . It happens, but only sometimes.
Few days ago I had a day off, went to gym first and desided not to change went for a little lunch . I wore my tight GYM clothes with top that exposed my belly a bit, and my boobs. What looked normal in GYM, was obviously very eye catching for guys outside it.
At lunch a waiter who was not even supposed to flirt with patrons couldn't leave my sight until he got yelled at by his boss.
Another guy at the next table was trying to flirt with me.
I went for a walk in a park after and 2 more guys came up to me, one asked for my phone number.
Coincidence? I don't think so. I am even older than you, these guys were all younger than me. That doesn't happen every day like this. the only explanation i have it's that my clothes made them think that I want this attention.
Am I going to keep on dressing like this so I will be surrounded by guys all day long? Of course not.
Of course guys will want sex from you, they are guys. If you look at porn stars mostof them are blonds with big boobs, if you add on top of this heavy make up and skimpy clothes, this is it, your image is complete.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (12 December 2013):
 Or this......
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00htyc7
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (12 December 2013):
Or this......
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00htyc7
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (12 December 2013):
Have you ever seen a UK programme (or have one over there) called 'Snog,Marry,Avoid'?
http://www.ovguide.com/tv/snog_marry_avoid.htm
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2013): If you're walking around like a Playboy Playmate, could be you're giving off a vibe of 'trying too hard,' especially if you're in your late 20s, which comes off as unattractive to men. It's just not natural to look like you're going to a photo-shoot every day. While I'm not questioning your beauty, you may naturally look beautiful, but jazzing yourself up with caked on makeup is a big turn off. Also, 'nice guys' may seem aloof with regards to their surroundings, but in reality they're very aware. Women who look like models and dress like models day-in-day out tend to attract 'bad boys' and 'nice guys' notice this. Typically its a big turn off for 'nice guys' since they know they'll be someone else' 'sloppy seconds' - even though you may have only ever been with less than a handful of men and in long-term relationships. There's still a stigma. My advice? Maybe not change your looks completely, but perhaps 'tone it down' a bit. Doing so will give you a more regal appearance and good nice guys won't be intimidated or scared off too approach you.
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