A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Can everyone tell me why it is that the woman often gets all the blame when she has an affair with a married man? People tend to look down on the woman and in the end her reputation is ruined and she is called all kinds of names etc. But the guy who cheated is not affected nearly the same way. WHY IS THIS? Doesn't seem fair to me.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): Actually I believe the cheating husband is to blame since he's the one with obligations and who had sworn loyalty to a wife. the other woman (the mistress) has no obligation unless she's also married to someone else. otherwise, if a married man invites her, why should she care that he's hurting his family if he doesn't? that's his own personal business.I suppose wives who have been cheated on but who stayed with their husbands would prefer to blame the other woman so they can continue to think their marriage is OK as long as the other woman is gone.if so think again - if your husband cheated on you once (or more), he can certainly do it again just with a different woman. they say, once a cheater....And if he does it will not be the fault of the second (or third, or fourth) other woman but that of the husband since he's the common denominator. the person you married is the one who has obligations to you and your family and the one you should be keeping an eye on, not some random stranger that you can't predict who it will be next.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2011): The man is most to blame he is the one thats married, BUT if the woman knows right from the start that he is married, why go there why break up a family why share why try to have something you you can never have, not many men leave their wives so it seems selfish and pointless to me. The only ones who get hurt the most is the wife and children,so any woman thinking of doing this think again your just being used and you no what you are doing is wrong, thats why the other woman gets the blame because its true they are not blameless they no what they are doing is WRONG.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): the other woman gets blamed because both the husband and the wife have selfish reasons to blame her.
The husband blames the mistress to protect his own reputation.
The wife blames the mistress so she can go on living in a fantasy that her husband does actually love her and that life can go on as usual once or if only the other woman is out of the picture.
ultimately, an affair speaks more about the marriage and the people in it, than about the other woman who is an outsider. Happy and well adjusted marriage partners do NOT cheat on each other.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): A woman can't steal a man away from his wife, who doesn't already want to be stolen or even is the one who set it up and pursued it.
the one who was married is the one who is more to blame. you can't expect someone else to respect the sanctity of your marriage if your own spouse doesn't.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): "Although it takes two to tango, it is already understood that the MM is slime and he will bang anything given to him, it is the woman who has a choice. "
Really?? The married man does not have any choice whether to cheat on his wife or not? the only one who is in a position to make choices is the woman??
it's not the married man's fault for being a slime, even though he's the one with the ring on his finger??
seems to me that the married man bears MORE responsibility since HE is the one with the ring on the finger and who took the oath.
The mistress may be a liar but the married man is a liar and a hypocrite.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (7 June 2011):
There's the cultural stereotype that women are supposed to be more nurturing and caring and self-sacrificing than men. thus, when women and men do the same immoral things or commit the same crimes, it is considered more abhorrent that the woman did it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): Simply put:
When there is a ring on the wedding finger, no matter how much of lies that his wife is nasty, doesn't understand him, doesn't do it for him anymore, when the woman ignores the ring and goes for the married man, then what do u expect?
Although it takes two to tango, it is already understood that the MM is slime and he will bang anything given to him, it is the woman who has a choice. It is a simple choice yet when she makes this choice she then cries foul and expect sympathy.
Women who mess around with MM know the score. It is a decision. So choose wisely.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (7 June 2011):
 the male is allowed to more promiscuous, it is expected and commended even. the poor things are led by their penis, they can't help what they do. women are expected to have more sense and self control. (i don't agree with the above but i do believe that this is 'just how it is'!)
there are shocking double standards i know. i don't believe society is at the stage were women have true equality to men, not regarding this anyway.
however i think that when a man is married, especially with children and a woman comes along and 'steals' him then all the sympathy is for his poor wife and kids and people will always be shocked at how one woman could do that to another, like as if we should all have loyalty to our 'sisters'.
the male animal procreates by battling against the other males by any means necessary to make his sperm be the stuff that fertilizes so he can pass HIS genes on. if he manages to mate with someone else's female he is the winner! us humans are not so far advanced from the rest of the animal kingdom in some ways
x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): Actually the married man is considered no better than the woman with whom he had the affair. I'm not sure where you're hearing otherwise.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011): GOD KNOWS! But whilst it's not right to go after a married man, I feel that HE is the one that took his vows with someone else, and HE should be able to say 'Sorry I'm married'...But I guess the wife has feelings for the man, so will 'hate' the other woman more!
Personally, i think if you are single you have the right to sleep with whomever you choose, as long as its consented on both parts. I believe the married person should at least state this beforehand so you know what you are taking on, but as we know, men often lie to get in you knickers!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011): It's easier to blame everything on the woman, especially when the wife he's cheating on is trying to convince herself that some how he was "seduced" and that he didn't cheat by choice.
Women who like sex in general are looked down upon. If a man sleeps with a lot of women he's a "stud" if a women sleeps with a lot of men she's a "whore".
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011): I think the reason is thus:There is a perception, rightly or wrongly, that men love sex and will sleep with anything that moves in a moment of weakness. As a man, I think there is some truth to that. Let's face it, the primary reason men cheat is for sex and not for emotional involvement. By making herself available for sex, the mistress is tempting the man to do something that he wouldn't get a chance to do otherwise (even if he wanted to.) This doesn't absolve the behavior of the husband, because he should keep it in his pants, but I think there is an unwritten code among women that you do not go around sleeping with married men when, as a single woman, it is very easy to find single men to sleep with. In short, I think people have higher standards for women to uphold than for men when it comes to sex. This is also why a man with a lot of lovers is seen as desirable, but a woman with a lot of lovers is seen as a slut.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011): They're both equally as bad. But for some reason people tend to think the single girl is the bad one for ruining another woman's/family's life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011): IMHO men get just as much blame as women do.
I agree with the other comment that sometimes the cheated wife seems to prefer blaming the other woman than put the appropriate blame on her husband.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (6 June 2011):
 I think women can get the blame depending on the circumstances and the culture. Some cultures practically expect a man to have another woman outside of marriage and yet the woman he selects is viewed as the whore.
I have frequently seen the finger being point at the woman for being the temptress even if HE sought her out.
Sometimes it is easier to be angry at the other woman than your man who cheated. But, think about it, he ALLOWED the seduction. It is not like he was dragged against his will, kicking and screaming to preserve his innocence and marriage vows. He was not a "lamb to slaughter".
Both people who are involved are EQUALLY responsible.
Fidelity is a CHOICE, not a CHANCE.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011): Because after a single woman has an affair with a married man it is easier to think of her as an "object" than a person. The married man encourages this frequently, in his effort to shift responsibility from his own shoulders."It was just sex, it didn't mean anything""I couldn't control myself""I don't know why I did it"The married man is not just a slut, sneaking around with someone besides his wife, he is a "nice guy, a father, good employee, loving husband, has all sorts of redeeming qualities, etc, etc" Hey, that's why you wanted him, because of all those qualities.None of which you have to any of those who are blaming you...So, you become an OBJECT, not a person, and objectifying someone makes it easier to treat them badly. Which is what most married men do to the women that they cheat on their wives with, they often consider these women "trash" and their wives are much more highly regarded.By the way, it works that way for married women who have affairs as well.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 June 2011):
 I think we (at DC) pretty much equally rake both parties over the coals. There is the occasional aunt/uncle who tries the "you can't help who you fall in love with" crap but usual both cheaters are nailed.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 June 2011):
 Because it's easier for the wife to be mad at the "other women" then face the facts that her husband is a lying cheating whore of a man.
Maybe because the "other woman" has a choice. She can CHOOSE to stay away from married men. Where as a lying cheating bastard of a man "can't help himself" ( you may roll your eyes over that, I do.)
Having a mistress have in many decades been a "status symbol" but being a "kept woman" or "mitress" usually equated to having low standards/morales. she is somehow a little "dirty".
Is it fair? no.
Does everyone think this way? no.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011): This has been going on for many thousands of years and it is too do with women bieng percieved as the lower class sex.
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