A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Okay, so I’ve been married for two years, we’ve been together for nearly six. He’s a great guy – he really loves me and I know it. He’s about to turn 29, I’m about to turn 25. Here’s the issue…We used to have a problem with him going out and hooking up with guys off Craigslist for money. I would bust him, he’d be in the doghouse, and then he’d start sneaking around and doing it again. Usually it was because of financial desperation, but also partially for the thrill. Of course, I was devastated every time and would fall a little more out of love. But if there is one thing I am, it’s loyal (sometimes that isn’t such a great thing).He’s the first guy I’ve ever slept with. I’ve never had an orgasm with him. I know that gets to him (he’s a trooper, but I know it is frustrating for him) – he had been with about 25 women before and has never had any issue with getting them off. Though I don’t have much basis for comparison, I do know that he’s pretty dynamite in the sack – but especially after cheating incident #1-8, I’m much less into it and it’s hard for me to just enjoy myself and feel the chemistry. Wait – it gets even more crazy.So, he joins the Marines 2 years ago after deciding to make a more solid future for the two of us. He’s an artist and that was not going so well financially. (I'm a peacenik, I hated – but tolerated - this decision.) After cheating incident #6, and other bad luck events, his clinical depression (which is severe) went through the roof and he attempts suicide. It was a pretty good try and should have killed him – but it didn't. I was in my home across the country at the time, while he was transferring to Hawaii. After the suicide attempt, it was really hard to stay mad at all the cheating incidents – at least he was alive and finally got into clinical help for his problem. He's been seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist for about a year now. It’s still up and down – he went to the hospital two months ago because he was considered a danger to himself. I’ve been at home now, a 17 hour flight away, to attend school and finish that up. I also landed my dream job out there, which is amazing. I’m still staying loyal, but I’m really having a lot of trouble. I love him, but I’m no longer “in love” with him, probably as a result of all the betrayal and all that. I’m trying to get back to being “in love”, but it’s very difficult. If I try to talk to him about any serious issue or feeling, the Depression gets in the way and I risk sending him into a suicidal spiral. Mostly, I feel like his nurse. I always feel like I’m walking on eggshells, because anything could trigger a depressed whirlwind. I’m on my own where I am and facing temptations left and right. There is no doubt I will stay loyal and all that. I just don’t know how to find happiness in this marriage. I don’t know if I’ll find anyone who loves or needs (operative word) me more than him. It’s hard to be needed so much. I have a lot of guilt for insisting on finishing school (which he is totally supportive of), when I know if I was there he wouldn’t be getting to the suicidal point. His Mom is not shy about blaming me for that. (M-I-L’s, gotta love them). But finishing school is something I have to do, and honestly – it’s such a happier life around my family, friends, hometown, with a job I love. I admit that I’m not really wanting to move out there and be a military base wife and go back to being nothing but lonely and a nurse. Luckily, for now I have the excuse of university… but what happens after that is done? I’m also kind of bitter about all the cheating and stuff getting left behind and how everything is about him and his reactions. I know I sound like a jerk, but I don’t know that he really “made it up” to me. As far as I know, he’s been good for the last 6-9 months or so.Do I regret marrying him? Yeah, I kinda do, but I did what I did and there’s nothing I can do about it now but make the best of it. So how in the world do I make the best of this and fall back in love with him? He does have lots of good qualities… how can I reconnect with them and love him as much as he loves me? Sorry this is so long. Ahhhhh, my life.
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (6 June 2011):
 Thoughts to add...you mentioned he was hooking up with GUYS off Craigslist. Am I reading this right? Was he having sex with men?
I agree with Honeypie, you need to get yourself into some counseling and sort out your feelings. You sound like you feel trapped in a marriage that brings you no joy.
You can not make yourself fall in love with him. He has to be lovable. It sounds like a marriage on paper, but not in action.
Stay where you are, get counseling, finish your education and ignore the MIL. Get legal advice regardless of what you decide.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011):
Nothing you wrote indicates that you should be with him anymore. You regret marrying him. He cheats on you with men. You are not happy. I know you feel responsible and you care about this man a great deal, but my opinion is to divorce and I rarely ever give that advice.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 June 2011):
 Wow. Well first off, I don't get why you didn't walk out after the first time he cheated or.. at least the second time.
I think you two need to at some point have a discussion about the furture and what you both want. Obviously you are not sexually satisfied, in love or very happy in this marriage.
Have you considered WHAT you want from him in order for you to truly forgive him and move on? You said you didn't feel like he has done anything to "make up" for what he did.
All I can really see is that you two find a counselor ( at least HE needs to talk to one) Since you two are in different states it might be a little harder but I believe militaryOneSource may be able to help you, since he is military.
Personally.... I end the marriage and focus on myself and my education/life. I just don't believe a guy who will cheat *whore himself* out, will ever fully stop. I think it's too much of a habit/thrill for him
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