A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Please help. I have been reading Dear Cupid for a number of years, but I finally need to turn to it for advice. I apologize for how long this will be. I've been with my boyfriend for almost three and a half years. He is almost 27 and I am 22. We met in my undergrad at a political event. I had dated a few pretty bad guys in a row, and when I met him it was love at first sight.He asked me out and we went on several dates. He told me he loved me on our fourth date (I was a little surprised, but soon realized I loved him, too). I met his family, he met mine, and I lost my virginity to him. We were really happy. He would write to me or text me saying sweet things and would be supportive and loving. This very quickly died out and the affection left our relationship. When I questioned him, he said he was just not "capable" of being affectionate, and started claiming he didn't like kissing, cuddling, or holding hands (things he used to frequently do). We had been together for about a year and a half when I moved states to go to graduate school. I had invited him to move with me (we graduated college at the same time), but he kept saying he "didn't know" if he wanted to. Eventually, I just made my own decision about where to go and picked the best program I was accepted to. He agreed to move with me. While looking for a place in our new home, I stressed that I wasn't comfortable living with him before marriage if he didn't see us moving toward a commitment. Considering we had been together for almost two years, I didn't think this was unreasonable. He assured me that we would be engaged within the year, that's what he wanted, and he desired for us to live together.Our first year living together was a nightmare. We fought constantly. Once, when he arrived back from a trip, he told me he didn't love me and we had a huge fight, only for him to change his mind. The next day, we went out to look for a new place to live (our contract at the apartment we lived in was set to expire). I was very hesitant due to the huge fight we had had the day before and suggested we live separately, but he assured me again that he didn't mean it and that we were going to get married. He promised he would work harder at the relationship and would be affectionate and loving. Times went on, no affection. He was/is usually only affectionate when he wants sex (which is not often). I began to get more and more frustrated.He would start setting up "deadlines" for himself to propose and would share them with me. Of course, he always postponed these for one reason or another. On our three year anniversary, he took me to pick out a ring and told me he wanted to propose by the year's end. I love him and really had hoped that things would get better and he would actually make a commitment. Then, when I brought up the subject later on, I apparently made him angry. I caught him on a dating website (he claims he didn't look or log in, just went to the webpage, all because I made him angry by bringing up the engagement). Of course... the end of the year rolls round and... no commitment. On December 30, he again announced that he didn't love me and I made him so unhappy and he didn't know about getting married. He took it back a few hours later and then everything was fine for him. Meanwhile, almost two weeks later, I am still in shock over everything he said. For the first time, something hit me... did I even want to marry him? My childhood friend is visiting and has a lovely boyfriend whom she has been with for five years. She tells me what their relationship is like, and - although I know every relationship is different - it became clear to me that my relationship was nowhere near as nice or loving as the one my friend has with her boyfriend.I rarely get "I love you's," date nights, hugs, kisses, things like that. At night, I am "not allowed" to touch him in any way in bed (I'm talking like, my leg accidentally touching him while he sleeps) because it irritates him. When we watch a movie, he won't cuddle. When we go out, he will NEVER hold my hand. He comes home from work and doesn't kiss me or hug me to say hello. He refuses to do things I want to do, even though I take interest in the activities he likes. When things are good, they are good and he can be nice, but for the past few months things have been so bad that I feel like a roommate he doesn't care about. He really did used to be loving and caring. He is extremely reluctant to go to couple's therapy and just keeps saying he can't change. When he says or does something mean, he usually replies, "I know I'm a jerk. I can't change. You know that." I know this might sound stupid, but I have no idea if this is normal or not. He's my first real relationship. I feel bad that he has moved out here to be with me and doesn't have many friends. I don't want to leave. I want to make things work. I want the man I fell in love with back. I know the "honeymoon" period fades away, but am I right to assume that there is still love and passion and affection in the relationship? I feel like we are a shell of what we once were. I see myself changing into an unhappy person. Is this just a phase? Do most men act like this after three years? Will all men treat me like this? Am I being too demanding of him? Is it really true that "when you know, you know" in regards to marriage, and is he just using an engagement to string me along?I keep feeling like I am always the one who has to compromise or change. Sometimes, when he makes me upset and makes me cry, I end up apologizing. Please help. I keep crying about this and don't know what to do.
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anniversary, engaged, fell in love, kissing, lost my virginity, moved out, period, roommate, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2012): Is it possible he was sexually abused or molested?Your story sounds a lot like my relationship with my wife, except with the roles reversed. It was many years of these fit and starts, a separation, and some tough times before she finally admitted that she had been sexually abused as a child and raped as an adult.When the relationship was fresh these symptoms didn't exist, but it started 9 months in and got really bad about 3 years in to the point that my wife told me she wanted to be with other men. It was not until after *18* years that she admitted the real problem.I would ask your boyfriend point blank if there's anything he needs to tell you, because he is acting like a victim of abuse and that if that's not the issue then he'd better tell you what it is or you are leaving.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 January 2012):
 The gem-of-a-boyfriend sounds like he's convinced you to buy in to his perpetual procrastination..... and, why NOT??? It's working, he's getting s*x... and you're hanging on???????
YOU hold the key to putting a stop to this charade. Either YOU end things... OR, reconcile yourself to being his concubine indefinitely.....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2012): Hi,
Yes the honeymoon period doesn't last BUT it shouldn't be like your relationship either. I've been with my boyfriend for 17 years and we still adore each other and want the other one to be happy. you deserve MUCH better than what you have. I NEVER questionned wether or not i should be with my boyfriend. I know he's my soulmate. I think you like it but do you adore him and want to stay with him the rest of your life? It's too short to waste it. It's probably time to move on...
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A
female
reader, totallyconfused100  +, writes (13 January 2012):
 I think it`s time to walk away. He has told you he doesn`t love you a few times now and also been on online dating. I know he says he was only looking to annoy you but the fact he doesn`t show you any affection or love or even say I love you which is important in a relationship. You deserve a lot better than this and you have gave him so many chances to clean up his act.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (13 January 2012):
 Hi,
It's true that after a few years being together the relationship tends to fade away a little, but it becomes a new stage, when both of you start getting comfortable with each other. It becomes less physical, but more emotional. Of course, not all couples are the same, we are all unique individuals and we have our own minds. But, what I don't understand is why you guys fight so much? Whatever the problem is between the two of you, you should both compromise and communicate better. Relationships takes work and as long as you both are kind to each other, I think anything is possible. You need to know what bothers him so much, if you are doing something wrong, you have the right to know and vice-versa. I just want to let you know that you have the right to feel this way. I would be sad too if my partner is not affectionate anymore, doesn't talk to me when he gets home, and it's a little strange that he won't let you touch him in bed? I am just saying this because you seem a little confused, but all I want is to make sure that you are right to feel this way. I know you love him very much, and you've been together for a long time. Just wait for the right moment and try to talk to him and find out whats wrong with the relationship and what can you do to make things better.... I truly hope that he can open up to you and help you make this relationship last forever.
Good luck/best wishes
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