A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 6 months now and have a strong, loving relationship. We live in a small community (both work within the school corporation), so alot of people in the community know we're dating. Yet, she refuses to bring me around her close friends. When asked about it, she replies that she has always kept her friends and boyfriends seperate. This is a big issue for me, because I feel before I take the leap to a "bigger commitment" I want to get to know all the important people in her life. Why is she keeping me away from her friends?! Is this normal for girls to do?! Please Help Reply to this Question
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female
reader, angelpie  +, writes (6 June 2010):
its been a year for me and my boyfriend still hasnt introduced me to his friends. and i have an ex who used to swing backwards and forwards between me and his friends like a man with an affair .
what ive learnt is that either they like to talk down about you to their friends so inevitably thier friends hate you before they have met you , or they are worried you will like their friends, or they tell thier friends things they dont want you to know about . whatever the reason its not the making of a healthy relationship . and if there is any reason for her not wanting to take you somewhere for the fear that her mates might not aprove as previously mentioned , are you happy to have a girl who is not proud enough to stand up for you .
have it out if it makes you unhapy .
A
male
reader, d2001d +, writes (5 June 2010):
Coming from the male point of view, it sounds like your girlfriend has some hangups and baggage. Even if the reasons are legitimate for her actions, ala some of the female replies above, all good relationships are based on trust, and hers is lacking; either trust of you or in herself.
Either way I see that as a problem. The answer is up to you, but I would start slowly backing away from her and when she notices and asks why, you tell her that she obviously doesn't feel close enough to you to trust things will work out with whatever the issue is, and because of that, you can't keep investing all of yourself into this relationship.
I don't normally advocate games, but she is playing one and sometimes the only way to fight fire is with fire.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): Don't take offence, I'm like that too. For many different reasons. I've had things get messy in the past due to disagreements between friends and lovers. Plus there's a certain sense of security about having your friends seperate, it means there's no possibility of them taking sides in any argument, it also means I have a seperate support group, I've also had in the past situations where I've broken up with someone who'd become close to my friends and hence it made socializing difficult with people who were originally my friends.
I've also had girlfriends that I just knew my friends wouldn't like, or they've expressed a dislike for that girlfriend and it was just easier to not bring her places.
Perhaps she thinks her friends are prettier than her and you might fall in love with one of them, maybe that's happened to her before.
There have also been times when I wasn't really that serious about a girl and should I need to end things quickly I kept my friends out of the loop.
I've also had girls find out things about my past from friends inadvertantly discussing things, which to them were menial but I hadn't yet been comfortable enough to discuss those girls yet.
I cite the above examples not as reasons your girlfriend won't, I just want you to understand that it can make things a hell of a lot easier to not introduce lovers to friends. It takes me long time to be comfortable enough with a girl for her to meet my friends unless of course like my current girlfriend she was already part of my social circle.
Give her time and be patient, really when she decides she feels ready for that you know she's ready for that 'bigger commitment' just make sure you don't try to force things. Let things progress naturally and above all don't take it as any kind of bad sign. It only makes sense for her to want a safety net and this is just her way of doing that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): Six months, isn't that long. Your girlfriend has already said that she normally keeps them separate. So if she does introduce you to them you can take is as a good sign.
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