A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A few months ago I overheard my wife talking to her friend about a guy, saying he was complete loser, very sleazy and dishonest, no career, self-centered, cheated on women, a complete phony, etc. I then realized they were talking about one of my wife's exes (she broke up with him almost three years ago before I started seeing her, but I know she had strong feelings for him at the time, and apparently really liked the sex as well)(she claims she dumped him). She seemed to be surprised that another friend of theirs was going out with him, despite knowing what he is like (my wife and her friend used to do things together with my wife's ex). At one point my wife said "My god, he's not good for anything besides sex!"I didn't think too much of it at the time, but we have bumped into the other couple (i.e. her ex bf) at various social functions since then, and it's clear my wife is very angry, if not furious, with her friend (I would say former friend at this point) for seeing her ex bf.My wife will no longer attend social functions if she knows her ex friend and ex bf will be there. I don't think she's doing this because she wants to spare my feelings. I never told her it bothered me to see her ex bf and her ex friend at social events, and it probably bothers me more that she makes such a huge deal about it. I wish she'd just forget about the whole thing and move on. I can understand some anger because my wife apparently fell head over heels for this guy, and didn't realize until after falling for him that he was a complete phony, a cheater, etc.But, I still find myself wondering why she is so furious about the situation if she really thinks he's a complete loser and she has no feelings for him at all anymore? (this is what she tells me). Her former friend is an adult who made an informed choice to start a relationship with the "loser". It might be poor judgement, but why all the anger? Plenty of people make poor decisions every day.I guess it really doesn't make much difference at this point, but I can't help but wonder if my wife's claims that she dumped him because he's a complete loser are true. I find myself wondering if her ex actually dumped her for her former friend? I realize it doesn't make sense to spend a lot of time speculating about all this, but I am also curious what she meant by her statment that "he's not good for anything besides sex!"? Does this imply she thinks he was particularly good when it came to sex, or just that sex was the only thing about him that was even acceptable?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2011): you probably know whats down here. she is jealous.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2011): thanks for the response. The betrayal aspect really makes sense. Now that I think about it, I remember her referring to her former friend as a traitor.Your advice to not project my own insecurities on the situation is also sound. One thing that makes that difficult for me is that I found some old emails a while back between my wife and this particular ex in which she talked about how much she loved having sex with him, etc. (that's the clean version, the actual emails were very graphic) She doesn't do that with me at all, apparently at least in part because she doesn't want me to think of her as a "****". Obviously, I shouldn't have read the old emails, but now that I did I have to deal with it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2011): she's mad because he really hurt her so she feels her friend betrayed her by going out with him. friends are supposed to stick together and one way is by collectively hating each other's enemies. Once her friend started going out with this guy, your wife felt her friend no longer is on her side.to add complication, if she sees her ex treating her friend way better than he did to her, then she doubts her own self worth - was there something wrong with her that she wasn't worth good treatment but her friend is somehow 'better' than her?This has nothing to do with you, it's your wife's issue to deal with. But if you start to project your own insecurities into it too, then you're going to introduce a new problem. Right now it's just your wife's personal problem, so you shouldn't go and make it into a marital problem by spending your time and thoughts on it and making it have anything to do with you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2011): OP here. janniepeg, thanks for your response, both possiblities would make sense. I would guess the first one is more likely. If she didn't get along with him and thought he was a jerk, but her friend is happy with him, I can see how it could be annoying. Reverse Schadenfruede of some sort I guess.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 August 2011):
 There are two possibilities. What if her friend is having a good time with this guy then that would negate everything your wife said about him. The other one is that your wife sees herself in her friend and was angry that the loser is about to do the same things to hurt her as in the past.
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