A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: the story is i am with a man LDR but soon will be moving in with him, been with him nearly 3 years and we are loyal and honest and keep in touch and see each other the best we can, cause its getting too much for us thats why we have decided to move intogether which i cant wait to start our life as a proper couple, but i have this problem he introduced me to some friends of his couples that we go out with now, but he always seems to stare at one of the women we go out with, and i dont know why, he is more friends with her boyfriend, than her really, cause when we go out he hardly speaks to her odd word with her, dont really flirt with her, just seems to stare in her direction all the time and looks at her, and it upsets me when i glance over to give him a sneeky smile, hes looking at her, i have caught him staring at me odd time which is nice, i have asked him if anything has gone on with them in the past, but he says nothing has gone on its been plotonic realashioship, so why does he stare, it making it now im not enjoying my nights out, and starting to not like this women, cause then i start to sneeky glance at them, and put it in my mind there staring at each other, and thinking what if something has gone on and he dont like saying, but as far as i know he has been honest and loyal to me since the day we met, then i got it into my head that she didnt like me for some reason has she seemed to leave me out a bit in conversation when we was all out so i asked her cause any problem i have i like out in the open, and she said she did like me and that me and my man make a great couple, and she has never seen my man as happy and settled hes like a new person she said apprantly he was really quiet man and so in his self before he met me i bring his cofidence out and the love he has for me, so why do i think these things, and what do i do when i see him stare at her again, it probably dont mean anything to him he might just be one of them men that stares and dont realise hes doing it, i know its me with the problem but i dont know how to sort it, i like my nights out with our friends but now its geting i dont want to go, would let him just go then he can stare at this women all night if he likes, and i would not see it then,is this me or do you think he secretly likes her and wishes he was with her its like he undresses her with his eyes he probably dont but thats whats going on in my mind which is not nice, when i asked him if he wished he was with her he told me shes a nice enough lass but only likes her in a friend way not in the way i think he would, is this my mind and if it is how do i cope with it when i do catch him staring at her, hes known these friends a long time before he met me, please any advice sorry if i sound all mixed up i hate being jelous i suppose you could call it or insecure thanks...what do i need to do when we are all out again, and i glance and hes staring at her again cause im sure he will be, she dont seem to stare at him unless she does it discritly i dont know, see my mind going again, i know i dont like it and wish i could stop it how i think its like i analize him staring,i want to be able to enjoy my night out, and have a laugh with these people, instead of worrying about his stares with this one women that he knows,i dont want to be watching him and her constanly without them seeing i am,thanks any advice would be nice from you lovely agony aunts and uncles...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2012): So sorry i didnt get back to you sooner, ive been a lil busy with classes. Buti hope everything is okay and you talked to him about it. and about the computer thing if he's on it offten then i honesly think thats a proublem? but at least he has enouph respect for you to take it off. And honey honesly you should just be happy! If you can talk to him and you feel hes being honest just believe him and move on so you both can be happy, maybe even stop going out with your friends so much and just spend free days with eachother? maybe that will help with you feeling uncomfortable all the time that hes doing something or lieing!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): THANKS AGAIN ANONYMOUS FEMALE...ive decided not to send the text yet, its in my inbox, i am going to wait till he mentions another night out coming up, and thats when i will say i dont think i want to go cause i dont enjoy myse and he will want to know why i can then say i did him a long text explaining why, and he will want that text, then i will send it or wait until im face to face, cause like you said can see his reaction on his face as well, i keep thinking what if they have sworn to secrecy with each other that something has gone on one time and promised each other to never say anything forget about it, thats whats in my mind now, i did once find a picture of her and two other girls one was his ex girlfriend on his laptop, and i confronted him about it, asking him what she was on his laptop for, he said he had forgot about that and that it was from years and years ago and was just a picture of a old night out, he did also have another pic of his ex girlfriend and the other girl not the girl he tends to stare at, as this did upset me and he reasured me it was just a old night out no secret desires, as i questioned him about it, the pic has gone now, im not sure he deleted it cause of my upset and didnt realise it was still there, or its hidden somewhere in a folder im not sure, i never spoke about the pic again with him saying was just a old night out with his ex and the gang he goes out with and thats when i had only been with him for a few months in finding that pic, it could be just a old pic of a night out, it could be my mind thnking silly thoughts again, i think what i need to do, is ask her outright if anything has gone on with them in the past to be honest with me, and then sit him down about the staring, cause your right i cant be uneased with this anymore needs sorting as i dont want to be analizing his staring when we go out, i want to enjoy my nights out it might just be him the way he his stares, i have caught him staring at me odd times proper full on stare its like he goes into another world and forgets hes staring, will keep you posted and thanks again for all your help...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): We'll do whatever will make you comfortable, if sending a text now, or saying over the net that you wanna talk about it then go for it. But i wouldnt talk to him about it when your both out with your friends that is not the right envirment and will make him uncomfortable. The reason why i said do it face to face is because if he is hidding something he wont have time to think what to say or lie to you, but if you do it over the net or text he has time to come up with lies or a story. But honesly, if you can't wait 2-3 weeks and your getting upset again then i would start texting him, first with nice stuff just ordinary stuff you ushually talk about make sure he's not ina mood, and just say you wanna talk about something that's been bugging you. but if you think you can wait 3-4 weeks and talk to him face to face one night that you two arent busy going out or doing anything would be your best bet to get an answer that will put you at ease with this whole thing. & again your very welcome! i hope im a help to your sitution and not making you even more confused!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): THANKS AGAIN ANONYMOUS female, i will try to keep happy and calm with my situation, i have actually done a very long text to send him about it all, and hitching to send it cause not sure i can wait till i see him again to discuss it, but you said dont send a text or email do this face to face, so am i better biting my tongue and waiting till i see him face to face is about 3-4 weeks before i see him again, or i could wait for him in the mean time to say, as we talk on the net every night, a night out coming up for us with our friends, and then tell him im not sure i want to go, then he would want to know why, and i could bring it all up then, oh i dont know im not sure what to do wait or send him this text will keep you posted and thanks again for your time and advice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): Your so welcome hunn! I just really wanted to help you out any way i could cause i know exacly what your feeling. & yess please try the things i said, and if possible let me know what happened! ill keep cheking in just in case you need me. Im here for you and try and stay happy and calm
xoxoxo
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2012): HI AGAIN ANONYMOUS POST, you really think like me you know what im going through, and given me a few things to work on what i would do or not do, thank you so much will really take on all your advice, your post really hits home on me feel better and has helped me a lot, and made me feel better inside, and will do and take on your advice, you have given me thanks for calling on me again, and your a great agony aunt for answers you give the right answers, thanks.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2012): hi hun, its me again aha im glad i helped you out a little, with what i said the first time. So i understand know that you have new thoughts on if he's thinking about what he would do in bed with her? I don't wanna say your wrong but i highly dought he's thinking about anything in that area. Next time you go out be more flirty with him and focuse on having a good time and enjoy yourself and try not to focuse on were he's starring i know i might be hard and you want him to stare at you but just have a good time and he'll notice that. and if your standing across from him then wink and smile at him. if your not into the winking then then next time he's around you when your out just give him something he can think about all night like, "when we get home would you like a massage" or something even more sexual then that but in a sexy voice, He'll go crazy. And if you don't wanna do that or you try that and you still seem to see him starring at her then maybe you should sit down with the girl he's starring at all the time just you and her or ask her to use the ladies room and kindly ask her if she's ever had a 'thing' with (his name) but when you ask her just smile dont come off mean in any way or ask her something else that your thinking but never say to her i always see my boyfriend starrting at you why is that? aha Also if you dont think you could do that i truely think you should just sit him down one night and be toattly trueful dont worry about chasing him away or anything just focus on the proublem if you dont youll always wonder or be upset by the fact that he stares at a nother woman. just sit him down, dont go in atack mode but say, i know we already talked about this before but its truley bothering me, i notice you stare at (her name) while were out and you do it more than once and i just need to know if your attrated to her in any way or was more than a friend to her at one point? and see what he says, if he says no were nothing more than friends or he trys to steer away from why he looks at her, donnt let him cause then he's hiding something, dont worry dont freak out it could just be the way he handles things but you really need to get him to say why he stares at her, and if he says well i dont realize i do it or something like that then dont stop there because if he looks at her more than one during the night he realizes that he does it. now when you have this talk with him dont do it in an email or text or over the phone be face to face with him. and if you still feel uncomfortable with the stuff he's saying and he's not saying what you wanna hear then tell him, tell him i need to understand more why you look at her. now this may sound like your desprite for some answers but you are right? you can't keep going out and letting this ruin your time with friends and your boyfriend. so please please have a seriouse talk and if while your talking to him and you feel like your annoying him dont worry about it he'll get over it. if he loves you, your not gunna push him away just from one seriouse talk about a seriouse concern your having
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2012): THANKS FOR YOUR REPLYS all of you especially the last anonymous female post, you seem to know where i am coming from, wit you been in the sort of same situation, i will try that next time turning him towards me and give him a kiss, but its a bit hard as i stand or sit across from him in the pub, when we are all out so thats why i tend to watch him and catch him staring at her, we do eventually end up standing together, and sometimes when he pases me and hes not standing with me he touches my bum i think thats to say hes still there by me, and he tends to be more for me and puts his arm round me through the night out when we do get to stand together, but i had another thought when he stares at her, one of his friends had to put his hand infront of his face which was her boyfriend to break his stare,im not sure then if he was staring at me or her not sure,but thats like hes thinking of how he could make her feel in bed thats what my mind thinks, its really upsetting i keep thinking to send him a email or text, but i feel if i do he might just give up on me, and i would loose him, but then i think did i have him in the first place..he does like me to tell him things if i have any worrys, and always have, maybe i need to sit him down when i see him next, i dont know....
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (22 April 2012):
 You've known this man for three years and plan to move in with him soon.
Well, quite frankly if his staring at this woman bothers you so much despite what he says about it, and what she says.
You asked him whether anything has gone on between them in the past and he told you nothing has, she's just a platonic friend - but you still have doubts and feel obsessed and jealous. So my advice is to NOT move in with him. If you do, and force yourself to stay at home while he goes out, you'll only be tormenting yourself and be miserable. This is no way to start a life together!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2012): in answer to jennipeg post is that a good thing or a bad thing janniepeg the last bit you said on my post about my problem dos this mean hes wanting her for himself why would he want to know any secrets his friends not telling him about there relashioship is that a good thing or a bad thing or is that a man thing thanks
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 April 2012):
 You have been with him for a long time and are committed. You should be able to do these things.
Ask straight out why he is staring at her so much, instead of analyzing it, going around the subject and throwing assumptions out.
Gently tell him to stop doing it as it makes you insecure, and it is also socially awkward behavior.
Tell him that if he can stop staring you can enjoy yourself more at the party. Ask him how he would feel if you were to stare at an old male friend all the time.
My first guess is that since he is more friends with the guy than the woman, he is mentally picturing what kind of relationship they are having, how they are interacting on a daily basis, and he hopes that by studying her face he can decipher secret details that his friend isn't telling him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2012): awh first off i just wanna say i love you haha You seem very sweet, Im a female also. ive been in a long distance relationship for two years so i understand how you feel confused or worried.I get really jelouse to when i go to visit my guy and a lot people are over his house and this girl he knew growing up is always around him. But you gatta learn to understand he's been with you for three years stayed comitted and loves you. I dont think you should let this other girl hes staring at beome a threat, i understand that it makes you upset, but don't just start letting him go out and you stay home hun because trust me youll make yourself miserable. youll start over thinking stuff. Just stay the girl he loved from the begging dont let that no good for nothing female make you unhappy next time you keth him starting at her, just gently grab his mouth pull him towards you, kiss him and smile. :) and i garentee that will make him happy and focused on you
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