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writes: please can anyone give me any advice3 years ago i left my daugthers dad because he was very abuseive towards me, i knew that i and most importntly my little girl would be much happier,she now sees her dad every weekend and as he become a really good dad gives her lots of time and love. since then i have met a guy who is a lovely guy and the 3 of us have been very happy together,then we had our other daugther who is 10 months old and since then i feel he is really negative towards my 5 year old his step daugther, he never spends any time with her any more and rarely has anything postive to say to her or about her, he says that im to soft with her and that she has no respet, but i dont agree, i know she is kind,charming,loving,caring,clever,and much much more im so so proud of her ok so she shouts out for attention but what does he expet when he is being this way he just doesnt get that he is the problem he is causing this not my little girl ok i know childern need rules but they need tons and tons of love to go with them please can anyone give me any good advice.thankyou. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2008): This aspect should have been discussed before having a child together. Your talk must be centered on how a child in general, then your children, should be raised and their needs would best be met, and not on insults or recriminations. Tell him that it is natural with the arrival of a newborn, for him to be attended with more alacrity, given the importance of the first years of life and his fragility, but this will not imply skimping on the care towards your older daughter. Whereas a newborn will be prioritised in different situations (the feeding, for instance, as it is important for babies to be nurtured on time), the second and older child must not sense as though he is losing your attention or appreciation, and should be involved if possible in the process, with reaching you the bib or being the quiet spectator (at times she may not listen, but she will be patiently made to understand whenever convenient.) There will be, as in a game, time with her, time with the baby and time together. The key word is SHARE!Maybe your partner's negativity towards your older daughter springs from the fact that he has noticed your daughter has manifested jealousy towards the newborn. This will request your efforts to solve the problem, that in fact is a common happening within a household where a newborn arrives, the change not being received with the warmest welcome by the older child.Your partner, I can guess, resents her for showing signs of unnacceptance of her younger sibling; many parents in fact, and this I believe to be "the" issue here, EXPECT their young children to act as adults, fairly unlikely. Only you can act as the adults that you are.If your older daughter has been displaying signs of jealousy, the responsibility is yours and your partner's to teach her to love her younger sister (telling her stories of how beautiful is to have a sibling and how great it will be when they will be able to play together and help each other etc.) and to reassure her of YOUR love for her. Maybe your partner is simply so enthusiastic with the arrival of the newborn that he is not apportioning his attention properly without realising this; must be talked over and you must reach to an agreement, or the sisters can later blame the two of your for the disruption this built up between them.Easier than said! Have that talk with your partner and agree upon your parenting and on solving rather than ignoring. Quick tip: Remember every negative can easily be "sugared" or turned into a positive: "I can't play with you now" or "I'm lulling asleep the baby, keep quiet" can become "I will play with you later" or "I'll teach you this song so you can sing it to her next time."
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionis there any guys out there that can help me on this one maybe anyone that has a step-child maybe you might understand or know why he is being or feels like this or maybe you could just tell me how you feel about your step-child,many thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou for you replys
belive me i do stick up for my girl all the time thats what our fall outs are always about it is never ignored,
the problem is he truely doesnt see what he is doing wrong its the way his mother was with him so he thinks its the norm,
i didnt have a nice childhood thats why its so important to me that my childern feel loved,wanted and happy with who they are,
i adore both my girls and i know that they feel that from me a million%
i really need him to change his ways or i am going to have to leave maybe if i give him 2 choises to stop it so we can move forward as a family or were out the door.
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female
reader, duskyrowe  +, writes (13 August 2008):
 What a horrible immature little boy your partner is. For God sake the girl is only 5 years old, STAND UP FOR HER WHEN HE SAYS NASTY THINGS ABOUT HER. Sorry to shout, but how do you handle the situation when he criticises her.
Now that he has his own child, he clearly resents your daughter being in his presence and she can obviously sense this. (Children are not stupid)!!! Tell him, either he treats her equally or you will kick his sorry ass to the kerb.
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female
reader, britbrit  +, writes (13 August 2008):
 okay hunny, your need to make sure your making it CLEAR to your 5year old daughter what you just stated in your question.
You dont want her to feel neglect, especially when she's already feeling it from one parent.
It's NOT fare for her....AT ALL..
put yourself in her position.. how would your feel??
talk to your man and let him know whats REALLY GOOD.
keep it real.
even if it leads to an argument...it's for a good cause.
maybe he feels like he does'nt need her because he has his "own" little girl...one that he can trully call "his baby girl"....
and he was just using your little girl to fill that void he had form not having his own baby girl.
now that he does he feels he can do away with her...and you need to let him know thats not how it goes.
cause if this continues... your little girl will eventually build a hatred for him, the little girl [ out of jealosy], and ultimately..for you.
because you stand around and dont stick up for her.
REMBEMBER SHE's YOUR FIRST BORN....
what are you doingg laddyy ???
seems like you need to grow a back bone and confront this.
*im sorry if it seems like i was kind of rude...it's just i know how it feels cause i was in this EXACT situation
[ i was your oldest daughter at one point in time ]... so i get frustrated when i hear things like this.
....good luck*
~bRiTbRiT =
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