A
male
age
36-40,
*ussy7
writes:Hi,I'm 24 and have never had a girlfriend. I've only ever had sex once through an internet advert as well and the whole situation is really getting me down. It's made a whole lot worse by the fact that all my friends are in happy relationships and that I'm the only single one left so I'm constantly reminded of what I don't have and what I'm missing out on. I would have accepted being single if I could actually get a date or have some girl take notice and have girls like me but I haven't even got that.Over the years, I've asked out girls but have been rejected by every girl I've asked out. It's a list of around 10 girls so far and it's still growing. Every girl I doesn't like me and it feels like no girl seems to want me and that's pretty much what the situation is. Everyone always says to me that something will work out and to be patient but I just don't have any reason to believe them anymore. They've been telling me those things for years, and yet years later I'm still in the same situation.The rare girls in bars that I try to talk to never want to talk to me, all the girls i like just turn me down and i feel like I'm just someone who's there but no one really knows why. No girl in years has liked me or thought of me as a prospective boyfriend and I'm seriously starting to think that it might not be a bad idea just giving up all together since it just seems like nothings ever going to work out for me.I always thought I was a decent person, looked OK-ish, don't dress like a scruffy hobo, good background and upbringing, well mannered, intelligent, fun, ambitious, good career prospects, going places and good qualities etc but if girls don't want that then what do they want? I believe I'd make a great boyfriend and all my friends seem to think the same, so why don't girls think that?Everyday I wake up thinking and wishing that that day I might meet someone and then when I don't I just end up hating myself by the end of the day. I just think that there's no point in seeing those good things about me because no one else wants to and that I'm living in a dream world by thinking that a girl might actually like me.I don't know what I'm doing wrong? I must be the definitive proof that nice guys finish last! Sorry it's so long, thanks for reading and for any comments.
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female
reader, Rebecky  +, writes (12 July 2008):
 Oh, come on, you can't say you want a girlfriend just because all your friends are in happy relationships.
So, if those friends make you feel left out because you're single, meet some new friends that are single. TONS of people in their twenties are single! Are you kidding me?
Man, you need to stop worrying about this so much! You can't go looking for love, or looking for a relationship. You just have to let it come to you...
If it makes you feel any better, my boyfriend's best friend is 22, and he has never had a girlfriend either! He is a very nice, attractive guy...he just hasn't ever had a girlfriend or even had sex, either. Maybe he's just not ready. Who knows.
But, trust me, you're not the only one!
Cheer up!
A
male
reader, bfire +, writes (14 June 2008):
Hey, well I am about 3 months from being 23 years old and never really had a girlfriend.
I also only had sex once as well when I was visiting the town I grew up in for 2 weeks. There was a girl that I knew from school and we hooked up and she wanted it. We knew each other from before, and I was definitely curious. Not how imagined my first time, but the real kicker is I haven't had sex since, for about 5 years and have been in University for 4 years.
I never asked girls out within those five years due to me being very shy. I am told I am handsome, and I am tall 6'2". Within the last year I have been studying abroad and was told it should be easy for me to make a girlfriend as a foreigner. I have made many friends that are beautiful girls and there are many beautiful girls all over, lets just say the local girls are my type. Nonetheless friends have only stayed friends and after 9 months of being in this country where it should be easy it never happened.
It does lead me into a sense of desperation and depression because of loneliness. But I can hide it well, even when I told a few girls I didn't have a girlfriend they kept saying they couldn't believe it. Granted I should have took the opportunity to ask one out but again, shyness creeped in.
So now lets get to YOU! First realize that it isn't how tall you are. I am 6'2" and suffer from the "no girlfriend syndrome." I am super nice, and most girls realize this 100% after they become my "friend." I am not into football and the normal sports, I also am not a big party animal and am not into the drug scene. Your color also has nothing to do with it. Believe me, I know girls that prefer darker skinned individuals and also shorter guys.
Maybe you are being too picky!? Also I don't believe that you don't get looked at by girls. You are probably just not looking at the ones looking at you.
My advise, look at an average girl. One that maybe you aren't actually super attracted to. If you are rejected, it isn't a big deal. Talk try to find a common interest and then ask her out. Practice on girls you won't be too nervous to talk to, or whatnot. Build up your confidence. Go on dates, you might be surprised on how you may end up liking someone, or at the very least, at least it is some experience under your belt to work up to a girl you are heavily attracted to.
As for me, 2 days ago I finally asked a girl for her number. It isn't a success story yet since I haven't asked her out yet, figured I would wait until Monday. About 3 days.
Although you may not have self confidence now, mask your lack of it, pretend you have it. And just be natural, and don't seem to pushy or invading. Usually be warm with girls. Be yourself and don't lie to them.
Only thing I regret now is that I waited this long. I only have 2 months left so I don't think anything serious can happen, but if anything it is good to know I tried.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): Try joining some clubs or volunteer groups, or take up some new daytime hobby that you like where girls with similar interests will be and be consistent and show up to all events so that you can get to know someone over time. I never thought people were looking for relationships in a bar and it is not the best place to meet a girlfriend unless you want a party girl that likes random hookups or is just a lush....all you get doing that is sleeping your days away instead of being outside where the live girls are active and doing things they love.
As far as finding new friends, yes that is always a good way to meet new people and new girls....I am sure if you try to be more involved in your community, you will meet someone or meet someone through those that you meet.
You have a lot going for you, so try to focus on that instead of the negatives and have some gratitude and that will overflow into the rest of your life, you'll see.
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A
male
reader, hussy7 +, writes (11 June 2008):
hussy7 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks again for the comments. I've got some very close female friends and I asked them this same question, not just now but a couple of years ago as well. The response from them was that there was nothing wrong with me and that I was fine just the way I was, and I trust them to be totally honest with me since we have always been with each other. They said to me that although it shouldn't matter, the things that aren't in my favour are my height and ethnicity. The other thing is that I only like white girls since their their the ones I've always been attracted to and people don't seem to be that keen on the idea of interacial relationships.
I've got a lot of other female friends as well since at uni there was a pretty large group of us that always used to hang out. However, none of those ever became anything more than that and their friends who I'd meet in bars or at parties never really took an interest in me either and hence it feels like girls only see me as a friend and nothing more than that.
Unfortunately though, those close friends don't live anywhere near me so they can't even try to introduce me to anyone. The friends that do live near me and that I socialise with don't help me out at all though. I've tried asking before whether they knew anyone that might be appropriate or could set me up with but all they ever say is that the other person is already taken or they don't know anyone.
As for conversation skills, I've got no problems with those, especially working in healthcare so they have to be good. My social life is pretty good. I'm usually out on bars most weekends, play pool at least once a week (even if it is just by myself to get out for a bit), play a few sports. I do spend a lot of time with my friends, but maybe things have become a little stagnant and it might be time to try to break away from them a little and form a new social life away from them?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 June 2008):
 Time to enlist your friends' help in this one, I think. Ask them and their girlfriends to assess you honestly, if you think you can take it. I don't want you to take self-esteem beating if you don't need one right now. Your friends might be able to help you see yourself as others see you, and if there areas that could be improved, why not take their advice?
You sound intelligent and are obviously working in a good career, so that doesn't need any fixing. Maybe it's time to develop your sense of humor and fun.
Do you ever entertain people? I mean throw a dinner party or a cocktail/wine party? Invite your mates and their girls and ask them to bring along the single women they know. Someone will know someone who is looking for a good guy.
Also join clubs or take classes where you'll meet women, like cooking, dancing, oh whatever you're interested in. You need do mix and mingle and have fun. Work on your conversatin skills too, practice with friends. The idea is to develop your interpersonal skills to the point where your first thought when you meet a girl is not, 'I hope this works, even though I'm short and have had no success before.' Self-defeating.
One of my best male friends is shorter than I am and married a lovely girl who is at least 4 inches taller than he is. Why was he successful? His house was where everyone hung out, where there was always something interesting to do, good food, good beverages, it was simply fun to be around him. He was irresistable!
It's going to take a bit of time to do this, I think, so don't expect miracles. But if I were you, I'd start planning a party, and get help from your mates and their girls. Think of it as your new more social self!
Good luck, I think you'll be just fine if you put your intellect to work on this... And stop worry about getting the girls into bed for the time being. Most girls like to get to know a guy a little bit better, and if he smells desperate, he is to be avoided.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008): Yes I lack self esteem and self condidence, but that's not because of who I am, but because of all those rejections and people not seeing me the way I think I should be seen. It is true though, there are people out there that don't deserve to be in their relationships. The things going against me are my height cos I'm quite short and the fact that my parents are African. Girls just see the my skin colour and aren't interested in what there is underneath it.
Ok I am going to pick apart your statement, your belief system.
Self esteem is internally located, not externally located...it is YOUR OPINION of yourself. If you project an opinion of mistrust of others (girls just see my skin color and aren't interested in what is underneath) then that is what you will receive back. It isn't anyone else's fault that you don't get a girlfriend, it is yours. Height has nothing to do with it, yeah, a lot of women won't date a guy shorter than they are, until they fall in love and then it doesn't matter to anyone how tall you are....win them with your wit, your intelligence, your charm and your love of women, and your height will dissolve in front of their eyes....you have to risk love to get love it is as simple as that....Act interested, truly interested in another person regardless of whether or not they are paying you romantic attention and someone will respond in kind if they feel a connection with you, no connection, no chance of anything...so be interested in someone else instead of your own insecurity....and things will turn around for you. From your picture you are a well built cute guy from what I can tell, you certainly are not a disgusting troll, so stop using your looks as an excuse, you have to exude warmth, personality and safety....to a woman to get her to drop her guard.
You even blame your parents, the problem is they are African. Why is this a problem, they can't help being African any more than you can help who your parents are. If skin color is an issue with lighter skined women, then date the dark ones, what do you have against African heritage women? Is it a social status thing in England to be with a white woman? Or are you more progressive than that and don't make a person's skin color and issue? If you are, then you will increase your chances with women by opening up your circle of possibilities.
You say you are not depressed because you are going places....doesn't matter, if all you see is rejection in your universe then you are suffering from depression or some sort of an anxiety disorder, get it checked out....this is not the view healthy people take on the world....rejection is a part of life and it happens daily to all of us.....you have to not believe what anyone else tells you about yourself if they don't respond to you, it is their loss after all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008): I suggest you learn about the art of flirting, and body language.
Please try it!
You might enjoy reading about it, and also practising it!
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, hussy7 +, writes (10 June 2008):
hussy7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd although you say that I miss all the sutble cues that people give because I'm depressed, I can honestly say that no girl has shown any interest in me over the past several years. I don't miss the cues because there aren't any to miss
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A
male
reader, hussy7 +, writes (10 June 2008):
hussy7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses. I don't think I'm depressed in any way and I do get on with my life. I'm a dentist so I'm going places and have a good life ahead of me. I do my own things and I'm content doing it by myself. Yes I lack self esteem and self condidence, but that's not because of who I am, but because of all those rejections and people not seeing me the way I think I should be seen. It is true though, there are people out there that don't deserve to be in their relationships. The things going against me are my height cos I'm quite short and the fact that my parents are African. Girls just see the my skin colour and aren't interested in what there is underneath it
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A
male
reader, d_day +, writes (8 June 2008):
Hi there, i know how you feel, i know what u are going through trust me. im actually 27 and iv never had a girlfriend. i would say im pretty much in your situation, ie im a decent guy, i do consider myself good looking (and people do tell me that), i dont behave like an idiot, im not smamry, cocky etc, i just feel different than other people, im not into the things most guys are into like football but at least i have other interests and for once im unique.
iv tried to talk to people, mostly on internet dating sites as im not a very ''he who dares wins'' type in going up to a random girl i like to chat up. almost every person i send a message to to get to know just never has the courtesy to reply. and when i manage to get talking to someone the conversation goes nowhere because theres no spark. sometimes i get to text and they dont wanna talk even when i ask em nice things like ''hows your day'', they just ignore me. i tried speeddating once and that was hopeless.
it annoys me the amount of people there are out there in relationships, all got kids at my age (some at my age have kids that are about 11), and most of em are with blokes that are always arseholes and the very attractive ones. all the women i see on dating sites that are attractive ones never consider me.
all my mates and other people i know have had their share of girlfriends (my older brother has also never had a girlfriend but i dont think hes bothered but i am). i agree about depression and self esteem and i have seeked help and advice in thr form of councelling but it dosent do any good and they didnt think that i was depressed in any way only slight anxiety. things like relationship dont also get my down but also other things like peoples success, doing well academically etc. im an intelligent person i feel but find it very difficul leaning the proper ways and concentrating. im often in my own world.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2008): Ok, I am female but I have been in your shoes before. A couple of things come to mind. For one you sound depressed. When we are depressed we see the world through a filter where everything and everyone feels like they are against us....we miss all the subtle cues that people give us that they are interested, we put a wall around ourselves to protect ourselves from further hurt, but the bad thing is it keeps people, nice people at a distance.
Secondly, you have low self esteem, you are struggling seeing yourself as a whole person and think you need the approval of women or a special woman to make you whole. That is rubbish. You first have to be very happy with yourself, like your own company and not depend on having a special girlfriend to make you feel good about yourself.
This attitude will repel women, they want a guy who is confident and can take charge of his own life, that way they feel that he can be strong for them and take care of them.
I am sure that you are all the positive things you said about yourself. I don't think there is anything wrong with you except the above mentioned things.
Problem is depression is not something that you can pull yourself up by the bootstraps and fix...you need to ask for help. First you should make an appointment with your regular doctor for a check up. Tell him/her that you have been feeling really negative and having negative thoughts that no one, no girl will ever like you and it is getting you down, your doctor will ask you a bunch of questions, answer them truthfully don't sugar coat anything to impress your doctor.....and if he/she prescribes antidepresants take them, and give them a chance to work, they won't change your personality or who you are, but they will lift that negative gray filter that you see yourself and others through and you will start to see your life change for the better. People will respond to a less depressed, less guarded you....in a positive way and then you have to face rejection, it is a part of life, and you have to risk taking a chance with someone, and you have to decide what it is you want and don't settle for less, choose your girlfriends and friends wisely, there are some crap people in the world and you don't need any of those in your life anyway.
Do as I say and get some help, you may also benefit from some talk therapy, seek out a behavioral or behavioral/cognitie PhD level psychologist and make an appointment.....you will be glad you take the effort to work on yourself, you have to be good to you first.
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2008): I think you are trying to hard to find a girl. You are mentally desperate to find a girlfriend and you know that might be your biggest problem, because girls do sense it.
Stop thinking about finding a girl, start just being yourself enjoying life doing things you like, stay busy with hobbies/sport what ever. When you are not goal setted on finding a girl, you have a better chance of meeting the "right" girl.
There is something about a guy them seems to "keen" that, I don't know how to phrase it, but yeah, it scares girls away. You might be doing this without realizing it.
take a more nonchalant attitude towards the girls, let them want to meet you, rahter then you meeting them.
Do study a body language a little, you might benefit from that and also get some books on the art of flirting. That will also help you a great deal.
Good luck!
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