A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:When I was cleaning the house up earlier this week, I was stunned to find receipts for flights to Canada in drawers around the house.I thought it was strange, particularly as we'd never been to Canada before together.When my husband came in from work, I confronted him with the evidence and he said "So what!" and said it wasn't my business anyway why he goes to Canada. He said the trips were work-related anyway. He also said that there were often business trips there, but there was something about the tone of his voice that made me have reason to doubt him.The next day, whilst he was in work, I phoned his boss and asked if the company he works for had ever done any business trips to Canada, and the boss said to me that they did used to, but it was 4-5 years ago! The boss said that my husband's only ever been on one business trip, and that was to London for 3 days!My husband's only worked for the company for 2 years!This wasn't snooping, but rather third-party verification.I've tried to find out off my husband why he spent so much on flights but he wouldn't respond, and said "It's none of your business, if I go to Canada it IS for work".However, I used to believe my husband implicitly when he said he had business trips abroad lasting 2 - 3 weeks, and our sex life used to be ultra-passionate when he came back due to me missing him!I came back from work one day, and found a note saying "Gone to Canada. On business trip. Back in 2 weeks!"I tried phoning his mobile, but got no reply.I feel foolish and embarrassed, what can I do, and can I ever trust him again?When/if he does come back, how should I treat this situation? I just don't know where to go!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): Hi, Deep down you know he is cheating... Secrets and lies go hand in hand. Your choice... but be not fooled. Life too short to waste it with a lying heart... go find true love where the only tickets you find, have YOUR NAME ON THEM. via con dios.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2009): iI think my first post was rejected perhaps because it had unsuitable "advice" to you. Let's try the second time.
Your husband believes that his trips to Canada is none of your business. However, since you are his wife, you ought to make it your top priority to find out his business. You owe it to yourself and marriage to discover the truth. Once you get that truth what do you do with it? Yes you want to salvage your relationship because you love him BUT you must be prepared for the worst.
How do you go about finding out about the Trips? Another call to his boss will help. Just find out (again) whether there are no business dealings in Canada. Perhaps the boss doesn't know that his company has recently started doing there all over again (highly unlikely). Your husband will be very upset that you called his Canadian business bluff but what else do you do. You can tell the boss that you tried contacting him on the cell but no answer, that you are worried about his safety, does the boss have an alternative contact number or even the hotel name. Try to get as much information as possible.
Then Surely if you let it slip to his close friends and family about this business he will know that you are on to him. (always you hear that we must not stoop low but you will be justified. People who know that they have been caught by lies then may start confessing. Maybe your husband will to when he knows that others know of his lies). You need to "sabotage" (very strong word, sorry) him. If he is having an affair, you confront him, the truth comes out, then what? You have to be prepared for the worst. You need to try to be as unemotional as possible. You invested your life and time with this man- do you throw it all away? If indeed he is having an affair then perhaps he may want to leave? Do you want your financial world turned upside down. You need to prepare, strategise and ensure that you negotiate from a point of strength.
Who knows perhaps it is not an affair, but perhaps some illegal business dealings? Is he protecting you from all this? Highly unlikely. You need to be vigilant in your quest for the truth. 2/3 weeks away from home is a mighty long time. Why the lies? You need to investigate where he stays during these trips. Guest house/hotel/family/friends etc. Trust your gut, it's not called woman's intuition for nothing. When you feel that something is wrong more often than not it is.
"....hundreds of maple-leaf emblazoned goods in our wardrobe too! (Obviously Canadian-imported!)" What do you make of this? Is this his second business?
You have to start searching for answers. Not knowing will be killing you (oh, the emotional abuse levied against you).
I really do not know how you will be acting when/if he comes home. You don't have to scream and shout but you need to get answers. Hubby seems so sure/ confident that he can do anything in your marriage without acknowledging you and your hurt. Please do not let him wall all over you. You must have courage and strength during these times to "fight" for what you want. You need to "win" this battle with him, a battle that perhaps is not too late to win. Please as a precautionary measure check yourself against any STI/STD. You cannot take chances.
This is YOUR BUSINESS.
Regards
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2009): I really feel for you. My EX husband did this, flying off to New York all the time. i didn't know it at the time but he was having an affair. He took off one day and never came back. How you react when he returns very much depends on if you want to keep him or not. I flew off the handle and couldn't control my fury and he left. In hindsight because i still wanted to keep him at the time I should have played a very different game. My advice would be think about if you do still love him and still want him because he very definitely has been cheating. If you can forgive and want to work it out then you must be cool, poised and confident. No shouting, screaming or swearing. Guilty men do not wish to be questioned in depth about their movements so if you can bear it i suggest you keep quiet. A wise woman once told me that these things have a tendency to blow over. This is not something i could do and I wanted all the information, who she was, how old she was etc etc and I made him talk about it for months. My EX actually told me that if i had turned a blind eye it would have just faded away ( obviously like lots of his other affairs) but because I went public he was forced into action. My general advice would be to always keep your composure and decorum and just listn to what he has to say. Screaming and shouting will just alienate him and you will get no info as he will just shut down. I hate this situation so much and really feel for you as this so reminds me of what happened to me. I am 3 years on from this now and I can look back and see that i could have handled things differently but i am very spirited to my own detriment! Just take things calmly step by step and remain pleasant. he will come back so don't worry about that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2009): Oh yes his cheating always go with your gut feeling its never let me down x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2009): Trust your gut - if your gut is telling you there is something not right in all this - there isn't. You want to believe he is not doing anything to break your heart - but don't let that mean you let him walk all over you. I think the way he is responding to your questions about his Canadian trips is reason enough to believe there is someting he's not telling you - why does he need to get defensive if he's not doing anything wrong?As for 'snooping' - you shouldn't apologise - you do what you need to do to be certain. I would tell him you know Canada wasn't a business trip - see what he has to say then.I think he's cheating - you find out - you need to deal with it one way or another.
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (13 March 2009):
 I really feel for you, and hope that you are a very strong person to go through this problem right now.
It would appear that you have very strong grounds to be suspicious. I travel a lot for my work too, and whenever I am in a long term partnership, I always make a point of telling my partner on my travel plans and/or itinerary. For 2 simple reasons, namely (a) we are part of each other's life thus it is important for us to inform each other of our itinerary/plans, (b) I need to ease him mind on my whereabouts, and if something bad happens - God forbids - like train/car/plane accidents, then he will be able to act quickly.
Your husband told you that his trips to Canada was none of your business, and when you verified to his office, he was not sent to Canada by the office. But you are his wife, and his whole being is part of your life. The flip side of him saying that it was none of your business basically means that you - the wife - are none of his business. (Although I wondered, if he was away for 2 weeks, wouldn't his office also notice?)
I hope I am wrong, but it does look like he is leading two lives: one at home and one in Canada. One way to find out is to go through your bank accounts and monthly statements. You do have access to this, right?
If he has done this travelling for a while now, he being "careless" around the house in leaving the tickets and lying as if he could not care less about you almost spells like he "wants to be caught".
Do you have any children? Is the estate/property in your name? In addition to you getting checked for STDs/STIs (if you have been monogamous since you started dating him), and you tested positive for an STD, then you have another proof of his "double life".
It does sound that he is not in a place where he wants to do anything about this situation, so the next thing you need to do (after your medical check), is to go find yourself a solicitor. Or a legal aid organization. Ask them what your options are.
If you and your husband want to keep this marriage intact, you need to discuss what each is willing to do. What he did (and continues to do) is a form of abuse. Cheating is abuse. He abuses your trust. And if he is not monogamous and unprotected, and he brings STDs (mild or life-threatening), that also means that he is putting the your (and possibly your children's) health.
Good luck, be strong. Protect yourself. You deserve to be respected, not lied to and not be abused by the very person you love.
Cat
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A
female
reader, bebe girlie  +, writes (13 March 2009):
hiii there
i would just leave him plainly!
im really mad cuz if this was my husband i would raise hell on him!
dnt let him get away with it
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2009): There's no reason why I could suspect him of cheating though; nothing in his behaviour indicates it.
Gina, I did check the statements, and most of the print-outs were from online tickets sites.
Also, if you were in my situation how would you cope?
I found it suspicious finding hundreds of maple-leaf emblazoned goods in our wardrobe too! (obviously Canadian-imported!)
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