A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey people I need some help! I have been with my gf for 1 year and 9 month. she is my first ever girlfriend. She is the first girl i have ever done anything with. I have only ever kissed one girl before her. We gave each other our virginity and have told each other that we love each other. I have problem though, one month into the begining of our relationship she started telling me about her past. She told me about a fling she had but all they did was kiss. She has only ever had sex with me. Well anyway her past bothers I know she hasnt done much but she has done alot more incomparison to me. Her past bothers she has also had 2 other relationships. Well my problem is that it has been on my mind for 90% of the 1 year and 9months we've been together. Normally anything that happens in the past I forget but this won't get out of my head. But this keeps bothering me its like i cant control it. I have days or even times in the day when im ok but other days/times it pops in my head I keep getting visions and this horrrible feeling in my stomach!!! I need help I dont understand why this keeps happening??? its in the past I just want to forget it. Do you think i should end this relationship I dont think my gf deserves this. Help me my mind is going crazy I cant do anything properly in my life.Thank you very much I really appreciate everyones help.
View related questions:
her past Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2011): you guys! i have really loved you all. i know this is three years later but what most of you are talking about is my story and what i am going through now. i love this girl and she tells me that she loves me. i am a virgin who has always wanted to get the right person. when we started talking, she told me that she has had five relationships in two years and has had sex with this guys for God i don't know how many times. she has had a crazy party animal life, clubbing and over drinking. this bothers me a lot; 90% of the day i am thinking about this and really get mad with myself. at times i blame myself for growing up with values, not sleeping around. i love her but can end this although i don't know how because it hurts so bad. i want to keep her as a friend and not feel love for her anymore. at times i hate her and everytime i see her or any beautiful girl now, i see a used girl. i hate this i hate the day i got into this yet i still see her. we have not done anything with her not even kissed yet. i really don't know what to do; an i the naive one, should i have slept around in my past? what should i do, how can i get her out of my mind without losing her as afriend. there is no one i can talk to any more since they all look at me as strange because i am still a virgin.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): I know this is an old post but I've struggled with this issue myself. Mine is a bit of an extreme case because my fiancee was an escort when she was young. You name it, she's done it. Sometimes I'm okay with it but other times it can't seem to get over it and I think I've figured out why.
Let me be clear: I love my woman with all my heart and I know that she loves me more than she's ever loved anyone else. When we met, she said marriage and kids are for other girls and now she can't wait to have a baby with me. She's my absolute best friend and we spend 95% of our time together. In two years we have never had a full blow fight because we are devoted to each others happiness.
A lot of people have said, "get over it" or "learn to block it out" or even "if she still wanted to be like that, she wouldn't be with you" and "people change". While those last two statements are true, it didn't help get the images out of my head until I realized something. IT'S NOT ABOUT HER OR HER PAST.
This is not about what she's done in her past, this is about ME beating myself up mentally. This is about me not feeling very good for some reason and I reverse justify this and find the most AWEFULL thing I can think of to hurt myself. Before I met her, I would find other things to do this about. Things people said about me, or stupid things I did when drunk. Now, I have an even more terrible thing to bash myself with to make myself feel really bad. Why do I do it? Because deep down inside, sometimes I "like" to hurt. Sometimes I want to wallow in self pity and this is what I use to do it.
As soon as I realized this, the pain went away. When it came back, I had to tell myself this isn't about her. I love her, but I don't like myself very much right now for some reason and I want that mental pain. Then I have to look inside myself and as if I'm hungry, angry, lonely or tired. Usually it's two or three or all of those. Sometimes it's my own insecurities that keep popping up; sometimes it's personal, sometimes professional. But this isn't about her.
Next time you have these feelings, go say something nice to your woman or give her a hug. Go be loving and intimate in a non-sexual way and I bet those feelings go away briefly. That means that it's not about her because you obviously care about her.
So don't try to block those thoughts out. Recognize them for what they are: you mentally hurting yourself. Then you need to find out why you are doing that. Turn the finger around at yourself and you might be surprised what you find.
That's my two cents. Cheers.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2008): I had a gf once who I found out had a lot of partners and it bothered me - to the point where it drove us apart. I dont regret it one bit, because I then found someone who was perfect for me. If you're talking about just kissing, then thats a little much. But no guy wants the woman wearing his ring to have been used as a slam piece by a bunch of guys - past or not. Thats just the way it is.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2008): Here a couple of past questions that you can read if you think you have it bad:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-cant-i-get-my-gfs-past-sex-life-out-of-my-head.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
There are many more stories like this on dearcupid where men are trying to get over their partners haveing had sex with more than a dozen men. There was even one where the woman had over 100 partners in 2 years.
If you cannot get over your girlfriends mild past then just remember that your next girlfriend might have had 20 past sexual partners, perhaps 2 guys in one night or with guys who she had just met an hour before. You just don't realize how lucky you really are.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2008): That anonymous post below me (9 september 2008) explained my situation better than I ever could do.
You can't deal with her doing some kissing or making out right now?
Just wait until you're trying to deal with a girl that's had a dozen one-night stands when you've never had one. The kissing or making out issues will seem so mild and ridiculous in comparison.
I'm not saying it's easy. And I'm usually very sympathetic to guys wrestling with their woman's sexual past. But when the frustration crosses over into kissing and pre-sex activities, I have to just throw up my hands.
All you can do is read about men trying to deal with their GF/Wife's sexual pasts. The same basic coping principles should apply.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2008): You have absolutely nothing to be jealous of. I feel sad for her, but I have zero sympathy for you. You say that the two of you lost your virginity to each other. Many men will never, ever have that experience regardless of how important it may have been to them. Many men were raised to believe in "abstinence" or "chastity" and thus chose to have few or no partners in their early years. After years of inactivity, such mean realize their choices are limited and many of these men wind up with women who had partners in the double digits. Often the female partner has had experiences such as threesomes or one night stands. Now these men therefore have no choice but to live with jealousy for the rest of their lives or leave a partner who loves them. Try imagining yourself in that predicament and you may realize how silly you are being. Your girlfriend should have saved herself for some other virgin who was more deserving than you. Either get over this, or do her a favor and leave immediately. If you choose to grow up and become a man, you could still walk down the aisle with her secure in the knowledge that she has never slept with any of the wedding guests.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2008): No, your girlfriend doesn't deserve this. She hasn't done anything to speak of. I sort of know how you feel though. My wife slept with 10 men in the 3 years between her first husband and me. It took a lot of work on my part to get over that. I would forget about it and then the thoughts would crop up again every year or so and last for a day or so. Your girlfriend just kissed a few guys and had 2 non-sexual relationships. Assuming that she is also 22 to 25 years old, be thankful that she hasn't had several sexual partners.
Think of the advantages of her relationships. They will help her know what she wants in a partner and her having been with other men will make her appreciate you more. It will allow her to know that you are better than what she has had before and not think that she can find better. My wife never had any desire to have an affair or stray in the least because she knew from her past experiences with various men that she wasn't likely to find better than me, even during the couple of times over our 29 years together that we were having some realtionship problems. That is the advantage of a person having some experience with various partners, sexual or otherwise.
If you can't handle her mild past at all then give her up if you must. However, at that age, you will probably have a difficult time finding a woman who hasn't had at least one sexual partner already. Hey, my wife slept with guys who she had just met that night, but she is all I could ask for in a loving, affectionate, understanding and sexual wife. When her promiscuous past starts to bother me, I just remember what a great partner I have. Think about what you have, not in her mild and completely normal past. Read some of the posts on this board where a guy your age is bothered by his girlfriend's past because she has slept with 10 guys already at the age of 23 or so. Your girlfriend did nothing in comparison.
...............................
A
male
reader, A better man  +, writes (8 September 2008):
You might want to either let her know, get over it, or move on. (in that order) If she has never given you a reason not to trust her, then don't make her out to be a liar. It actually benefits you that she has had other experiences and and yet still remains with you. She has a window of things she likes or values in a relationship, and you must have those things cause she is still with you. If you let your own insecurities eat you up, then you may be writing a new post on here in a couple weeks title. (Why did I push her away with my own doubts, How can I get her back) but I hope you don't end up like this. Good luck!!
...............................
|
