A
male
age
41-50,
*oncerned30
writes:I recently found out my girlfriend is downloading porn. This wouldn't concern me except for the fact that she has said she has no interest in porn and scoffed at the idea when we talked about it recently. She has expressed numerous times that I am her soulmate and she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. We have been dating for almost a year now and she is pregnant with our first child. My big concerns are why is she lying about this to me, and if she is willing to hide this is she feeling guilty about urges? (What I stumbled across was a video of a man of an ethnicity different from hers and my own masturbating). How should I approach this or sbouldn't I? Help!
View related questions:
porn, soulmate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2012): I think Replacement is right. My husband lied about it at first for the same reasons he listed. He felt disgusting and embarrassed for watching it, therefore he wasn't about to admit it to anyone else. I was angry at him when I found out he had been lying all that time. I couldn't help but feel betrayed, because I had married him under the assumption that he didn't watch porn. He knew how I felt about it, and I felt like he didn't respect my feelings. It wasn't like that at all. He explained to me he had tried many times to give it up, even before he met me. But he would just get this strong urge out of nowhere to go look at it. He said it lessened once he met me, but he still got it every once in awhile. Some people have this problem, once they start watching it they can't completely stop. It has nothing to do with how they feel about their partner. Besides, looking back I'm glad he chose to look at porn over fantasizing about people we know. As for your girlfriend, I think it could also have to do with her bring pregnant. Maybe sex is uncomfortable for her right now, so she chooses to masturbate instead. She just uses porn as a visual aid to help speed up the process.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 September 2012):
 I often have the urge to cuddle and kiss my partner but have sex with him... naw I'd rather masturbate... faster ,easier, less mess, I can control it...
doesn't mean I don't love him...
and he likes to look at porn of young Asian women... so why in the world is he marrying an old american lady like me? Simple I'm the love of his life... but he can't eat steak every night now can he?
...............................
A
male
reader, Concerned30 +, writes (11 September 2012):
Concerned30 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo Very Confused- It was a couple downloads from a few weeks ago. The lying concerned me and the fact that our sex life has seen a significant decrease since her pregnancy (which I totally get due to the pain she deals with) I don't get how she doesn't have the urge to be sexual with her lover but has the urge to watch these kind of videos...
...............................
A
male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (11 September 2012):
 There is a disconnect between how she claims to feel about porn (uninterested) and her behaviour (decidedly interested). It can be hard for people to face these raw sides of themselves. Everyone has curiosities, fantasies, urges, etc that they may not want to share with anyone else... some people are so ashamed that they don't even like to admit it to themselves. Since she's previously claimed to be uninterested it may be hard for her to fess up to the fact that she also has the drive to look at porn. It may be embarrassing to her. Maybe if she's in pain then sex is too much for her, but masturbation is less painful? You will have to either ask her or let it go. It's my experience that porn usually does more damage than good to relationships so if I were in your shoes I'd want to get to the bottom of it before it got out of hand. Just bring it up gently when you're both relaxed, "I found this video do you know where it came from?"
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 September 2012):
she's pregnant... our hormones are insane then... there should actually be three genders... male female and PREGNANT as pregnant woman are unlike NON-pregnant women or men...
just because she's looking at porn of different ethnicity does not mean you are not the love of her life or her soul mate...
if your concern is the lying... then talk to her about that....
is it possible that if you only found ONE piece of porn that it's very old?
...............................
A
male
reader, Concerned30 +, writes (11 September 2012):
Concerned30 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Replacement- I do watch porn occasionally and I have admitted that to her. As for her urges she has been experiencing a lot of pain from pregnancy and her sex drive has slowed due to this. That coupled with her response to me about the topic previously mixed with what she is downloading has me a little worried. I'm not sure how to approach this or if I even should? (How do I even approach the subject?)
...............................
A
male
reader, Replacement +, writes (11 September 2012):
Probably for the same reason's that men lie about it.
Could be she is ashamed, or she is worried that it would hurt your feelings, or worried that you will be angry. Perhaps it is just a private thing for her that she doesn't want anyone else involved in. Her sex drive may be high and she is uncomfortable asking you to fulfill the desires so she seeks it elsewhere. Talk to her about it and be understanding rather than judgmental. Do you use porn? If so, you should be able to understand.
...............................
|
