A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My question is , me and my ex grew apart and decided to be friends this has been a few month and we both moved on. He told me he plans on staying single i said yeah yeah and he replied saying its so much easier to stay single , i will admit he wasnt a great boyfriend he just had no life in him and acted like we were an 'old married couple' who had shriveled up . i have since met and now am with someone else . I often chat with my ex see how hes doing and ask hows his love life going and to get himself on dating sites , to this he says no hes staying single. My friend is on a dating site and showed me that my ex is on there hes been on for about a month she said. I havent questioned this to him i just dont understand why he would lie to me , we originally met on a dating site so i know its not that . why would someone lie to a friend ? no im not hung up on him yes my current boyfriend knows about him , this ex lives miles from me so its not like we bump into each other , why does it matter to me you may ask , well it doesnt mean a massive thing its the lies hes telling when theres no need why do it ?
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female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (16 June 2016):
OP even my own male friends, whom I've never dated so have no history with, don't always tell me about their love lives. It doesnt bother me as I'm friends with them and our friendships are strong. If they need me they know where I am.A male friend of mine has recently been 'over dating' by that I mean he broke up with his ex and now dates any girl he meets online or in real life. He's on the rebound but I recently had to sit him down and have strong words with him as one girl got pregnant. He is in shock and wants her to have an abortion. So in this case he came to me upset and I had to have strong words with him.I still see my own exes as we live in the same city. One of them i get on with, by that I mean we say hello when we see each other, joke with each other but that's it! I found out via Facebook(I was Facebook stalking someone else) that he's workmates with a guy i like so now I'm panicking that if I date this guy, will my ex share horror stories with him about our relationship. I'm not a bad person I just did bad stuff under pressure when my relationship with my ex was failing. So...here is an example of why exes can't be friends. I want to date this new guy but my ex is going to know about it and I'd rather he didn't know about my love life.Where as Im not worried about anyone else knowing. Exes just can't be friends. Its a sad truth. Maybe, maybe! Years from now exes can be friends but there will always be history there. Listen to Gotye's 'Somebody that I used to know'. It explains the exes being friends or not situation.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 June 2016):
 Personally I did not mention any feelings and I thought my answer was clear , but I'll try to rephrase it :
Because even good friends may not feel bound to total disclosure about every little detail of their life, and do not want have to explain, justify and motivate every single change of mind , or of mood , of theirs. This is, for many people, unnecessary, annoying and time consuming.
Some people do not mind to explain away all the hows and whys of all their moves and decisions, but other people actually dislike or resent that, and prefer being able to keep a little buffer of privacy around their comings-and-goings. Even when those are innocent.
For the record, I think that when Honeypie mentions " hurting yoour feelings " she does not mean he thinks your feelings would be hurt if you knew he is dating again. But , that your feelings would be hurt if he had to come out and say openly " none of your business ".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2016): im the op again, We are like best friends we have no feelings what so ever for each other . we are very open . the whole point of the question was - why do friends lie to someone , if i had said my friend lied to me saying they were staying home and lied and went to the pub , theyd be no questions about feelings and still wanting someone . so count this as a question like that because if you dont your not understanding the main bit of the question
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (16 June 2016):
Just because you are in friendly terms, not necessarily he must feel comfortable sharing every detail of his life with you . You have already shown a ( well meant, no doubt ) inclination to micromanage his love life, insisting for him to go on dating sites... and probably he just wants to do his thing on his own, without then being asked to report to base all his moves or progresses or lack of the same. Even if he decided to follow the very advise you gave him , and that he rejected at first.
That ( putting up a profile ) might also have been a spur of the moment thing, one night when he was drunk or feeling lonely.
Or, like a lot of people, he is looking , but not really looking-looking, if you know what I mean. It's one of those things that you throw out in cyberspace, just in case. If by any remote chance something really special comes out of it, great, otherwise it's still fine and you even forget about it. If this was his frame of mind, surely it does not warrant a public , official announcement " I am now ready to leave the single life and I will be looking for a partner "
Or, more simply, ...he changed his mind and did not feel like telling you: you know , you were right, after all I am not happy as a single so I am back on the scene.
Or else, he is on the dating site just in the hope of getting laid, and that too does not warrant an official announcement.
In short , there may be dozens of very normal explanations for what you call his " lies ", which are , I guess , just attempts to defend his privacy . Even good friends are not bound to all time total disclosure, some people like you to know about them what they feel may concern you or involve you- they don't tell you everything just because you'd be curious to know. But that's being reserved, not deceptive.
Anyway, his unwillingness , for whatever reason which of course we can only try to guess, to disclose part of his private life to you, I'd take it like that there are certain boundaries in this friendship which he does not like to see crossed. What he wants you to know about him, he'll let you know in his own time, if and when he is good and ready.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2016): im the op, Weve often spoken about each others love lives before after splitting up and also since ive got someone new but we dont go into detail we dont cross that line , I dont get how its going to hurt my feelings with him being on a dating site as thats how we met ourselves and have no embarrassment being on them .
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A
female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (16 June 2016):
I doubt he's lying to be nasty. You did have a romantic relationship once but sadly once you have sex with someone, fall in love with them etc what friendship may have been there before or you would like to have now, will not exist.That's why when a relationship ends its best to move on, break ties and start afresh. He's not your friend but an ex boyfriend. It's not being cruel just realistic. He does not have to tell you about his dating life nor do you have to share yours with him. If say a female friend of yours did what he had e.g not told you about the online dating, would you care? Probably not. My male friends (I've never dated them) don't always tell me about their love lives. It honestly doesn't bother me if they don't. At the best of times I'd rather not know what they've been up to. They too may want privacy or feel embarrassed about sharing something so I don't mind. This friendship with your ex is unhealthy. Unless you can both lead separate lives and not worry about each others love lives, then it won't work. In an ideal world we'd all be friends with exes. But right now it won't happen. Maybe a few years from know when you've both moved on, dated other people or even been divorced, it may be possible to be friends as the romantic feelings would have likely died. So you two could be friends some day but right now won't be easy.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 June 2016):
 The thing is he is not your friend, he is your ex and that will never change. To be honest I would not want to be talking about my love life to my ex, I would find it uncomfortable and unnecessary.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 June 2016):
 He doesn't want to share that part of his life with you? Maybe he feels like it's none of your beeswax, but it's easier to lie to you and say no I'm not looking, then hurt your feelings.
Or maybe he feel like he is a bit of a loser for being back on a dating site...
It's impossible to say. However, I think you just need to respect the fact that he doesn't WANT to talk about his love-life with you.
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