A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My female friend treated me badly - she had an affair with my boyfriend behind my back, lied to me and basically treated me like dirt. We fell out obviously - but now she wants to make up and says she feels bad about everything she's done. Why would she say this now? She is still with my boyfriend and I have absolutely no respect for her and do not intend keeping in touch with her as she obviously cannot be trusted ever again - so why is she even trying with me? What good can come of it when the damage cannot be undone?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2015): Ignore her and him. They don't deserve any more of your time or attention. Focus on being happy. Living well is the best revenge
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2015): Yes - the last couple of answers make sense. CindyCares - I think you are absolutely right!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2015): Tishas reply is really quite funny and i would be tempted to text it to her. Or to save expense on words just text "Forget it loser!"
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2015): socially it would look better for her if you and she could be bezties again or even "hi" friends again especially as she always needed you because you are a wonderful person but you dont need her and you dont need to give her your seal of approval or endorsement of her relationship.The whole point of her effort is because she needs to bask in your energy but thankfully you have reclaimed it and i hope you will continue to refuse even a glint of your teeth.Its odd how you have had to deal with these tough events so early in life but like iron you are being tested.Sorely tested,may i add from a very human point of view.You have far more capacity than she does in a spiritual sense at least and i secretly suspect that you are the more creative of the two and energy probably flows better around you than anyone else.It must be a great fear of hers that all your mutual friends secretly prefer you to her.How are you to handle all this unwanted fame fortune and attention.You have seen the snaje at work and you have seen the rat pounce.Now those two deserve each other and i suppose whatever happens next it will all crunmble to dust but how publicly im not sure.So just ignore her.She knows now what its like to be the puppet. The boyfriend is probably getting on at her to make it up with you so that he can generate more control and possibly more group control.His image is tarnished and i dont suppose for a minute that he thought you would ever know what was going on behind your back.He's probably thinking that when the dust settles he can do a sudden changeover to you,still keeping the upper hand of course; and you must be getting sick of this dreary nonsense.Its odd how they still want to drain you even from a distance.I sometimes wonder why he thinks hes such a great catch..perhaps he considers himself wealthy..but you are rich in spirit.Its not that fabulous to be the one who has to hold back all the time..perhaps you'd like to send a whirlwind that would toss her upside down and shake out all those lies publicly but restraint is a great blessing.Dont give her or him another chance to manipulate or people will assume youve gone soft in tbe head.You need nerves of steel my dear..dont be provoked into action.Caution, as our dera ol friend bob marley would say "caution the road is steep!"Stay cool and not friendly to her ..a bit of disapproval even wont hurt but best of all just try to stay out of it altogether.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 September 2015):
 Maybe we can take her at face value and assume that the reason for her contacting you is precisely the reason she gave you : guilt. She feels bad about what happened and about sneaking behind your back etc. Probably she has realized that her devious behaviour costed her a good friend and she can imagine how losing a good solid friendship does not compensate acquiring a new bf , who might very well be here today and gone tomorrow.
That would be her problem, though. You are not obliged to forgive her if you don't feel forgiving. And / or, you could forgive her at some point for your own serenity and peace of mind ( nothing which poisons life like holding on to old grudges ) and yet decide to not resume the friendship because ,naturally, you want loyal people as friends and she does not qualify.
I think you can just ignore her and her mesages, which normally would be impolite, but I think the circumstances explain and justify a breach of etiquette, ad a meaningful silence.
Let me add though that I find curious how you focus on this girl stealing your bf. He is not a purse or a bycicle, he can't be stolen without his active and enthusiasric consent. She might have put the moves on him first, but if he had loved you, or at least respected you, he would have turned her down . Or, at least , he would have first broken up with you and then taken up with her, with no need for secrets and lies.
So, if she managed stealing this guy from you ,- that means basically that he did not particularly care about you, and if it had not been her, then it was going to be be some other catalyst to induce him to stray or to break up.
In a way, this girl has cleaned your backyard of bad weeds for you- she has got you ridden of someone who was not a good match .Who knows, pretty soon you could find yourself mentally thanking her ....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2015): You don't have to be friends or even acknowledge she exists; but you do have to move past the anger and bitterness.
If someone can steal your boyfriend; he wasn't that into you to begin with. That's just the ugly reality, and you may as well accept it. In the end, it will make you a stronger person, you will make wiser choices; and you will learn how to move on without giving other people control over your emotions. You can ignore the both of them and you don't have to be stuck in the same spot where they left you when you broke-up.
It's time you give this thing closure, or you'll miss golden opportunities that come your way; blinded by jealousy and resentment. No, you don't have to be friends or give either of them the time of day. Just tell her you wish her well, she got what she wanted; and you will find someone better. You would prefer no further contact from her. You have to make peace with yourself, sweetheart.
Freedom comes when you take back control over your feelings and stop allowing other people to paralyze you with pain or anger.
She feels guilty because that is her karma; not because she wants to make it up to you. You must forgive, because it wastes too much valuable energy holding grudges and being
hateful. Whatever her motives are, simply tell her you're not interested in being friends anymore; and she has destroyed that possibility, but you wish them well. You're moving on and don't need either of them. Just shake the anger; because it will be the baggage that might destroy the next best thing that ever happened to you.
I got blindsided and dumped. Then my ex was dating two months later. A friend ran into him and the new guy on vacation; and just had to tell me about it. I wasn't interested in him or who he was with. It just made me more determined to get-over him.
I met someone better a little over a year later, and it's still going strong. The ex said I deserved someone better the night he dumped me. He was right, and I found someone better. So will you, but you can't let her and the past keep you in a bitter state. Ignore her until you feel no way about it. It will feel like a weight off your shoulders once you can get past it, and you will forgive her eventually. It doesn't mean you have to be chummy with a backstabber. Just let it go.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 September 2015):
 "Hey, [ex-friend's name], I understand that you want to make up and apologize for what you've done. While that apparently works for your timetable and for you, alas, it doesn't work for me.
"I will let you know, in my own time, if and when I might be willing to discuss your behaviour and how it affected me. For now, suffice it to say that I do not trust you and have lost respect for you. Because of that, I really don't see the need at this point in time to reconnect with you.
"I advise you to let it go and do not press me on this. Carry on living your life, and I will do the same. If we encounter each other in public I will be polite but do not mistake that for wishing any further contact from you."
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (15 September 2015):
 The only reason that I see why she is doing this is to be a bitch that will rub it into you. Don't respond, go no contact and be sure she is out of your life for good, so you can move on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2015): Her getting back in touch with you while still with him is her gloatinng not a serious regret so ignore it. Hold your head high
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