A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I'd like your thoughts on why my ex is acting the way he is. We were together 9 years, lived together until 1 year ago, when he moved out abruptly (I later discovered he was 'messing around' with a female colleague, though they did not start a relationshop after he moved out). We got back together for 6 months (he intiated this, saying he couldn't live without me, that he wanted us to get married and have a family one day. We continued to live apart, and slowly I started to feel I could trust him again after we discussed why things had gone wrong the first time.) and split again in June when I discovered he had a secret cell phone and was sending/receiving explicit texts to 3 random girls. Initially, I said I thought we should split in June, but he cried and begged and was so distraught that I caved in and said we could work through it. But 2 weeks later, he said he felt guilty whenever he saw me/spoke to me even though I wasn't actually doing anything to make him feel that way, and thought it would be better for him to be on his own, and that he no longer wanted a girlfriend but loved me, blah blah. He was still tearful all the time, having panic attacks, taking time off work. I was worried about him, but he didn't answer whenever I called to see how he was. He hasn't asked once how I am (which is heartbroken, sad, lost). I went to visit him once, and he said it just upset him, so since then, I have not contacted him at all, much as I want to. His best friend recently moved overseas, and I worry that he has noone to talk to about how he's doing, although he is now back at work. So I'm trying to distract myself, to get over him, but I'm getting a little stuck :( I don't want to have lost my best friend as well as my boyfriend, and I can't ever imagine wanting to be with another guy.I guess I'd like some advice on what to do - he tells me he loves me, I'm his best friend, there's noone else on the scene, but then why doesn't he ever make contact to see how I am? And how can I support him, help him through this, check he's ok and remain his friend (which is what he said he wanted me to do) if he will not speak to me? I don't understand how I can go from 9 years of being what he says is the person closest in the world to him to someone he ignores and seems not to want any contact with - what's that all about?Any insights from any readers (especially any males) would be so gratefully received.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (24 October 2009):
I'm a male, so here's the answer. You won't like it.
He's cheated on you, then come back, then been texting girls, then come back, then dumped you again saying he couldn't handle a relationship with you, and now he's not talking. Wake up girl, if he wanted you, he wouldn't have done any of this at all. He'd have just been with you. He's not the guy for you. Don't contact him, because if he comes back yet again, he'll hurt you again. That's who he is. So now, you need to be very brave, and end all contact, really focus on yourself and keep busy with work, hobbies and other friends. Don't waste time on a guy who doesn't care about you. That's an honest male opinion.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2009): Sorry your going through this. It sounds as if both of you need to heal from this realtionship. That's going to be very difficult if the two of you are incontact with one another, as it's like picking at a scab (sorry for the gross analogy, but it fits).He needs to addres whatever issues he has and grow- alot of time (in situations like this) the guy will keep trying to restore a prior relationship that was better than what he has now... wanting to return to something appealing, you can understand the desire, but the reality is that he's still the same person who ruined what he had, and is incapable (right now) of being in a healthy relationship. Seceret cell phones are NOT part of a healthy relationship... he's trying to get something for some hole he has in his sole, and you can't fill that UNTIL he grows.I stongly suggest that for both your sake and his that you consider telling him that you both need to seperate 100% for at least 6 months. He's got to look inward and address what's eating at him, so he can start to resolve these issues. It's scary, but if he can do it, he may be able to become the man that you can ultimatly have a realtionship with. He's got to become responsible to himself before he can become responsible WITH you.For his sake, don't enable him... this is for your sake as well. Again, I'm sorry your going through this, but his actions put you both where you are... he's got to deal with it, and having you around is delaying that.
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