A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My problem is to do with my father. In Sept 2005 he started being horrible towards me, i am married with 2 kids. My father had to come over when it suited him (Wednesday's at 4pm) he was never late. One Wednesday afternoon i phoned him at work to say not to come over as i was poorly, he was ok on the phone until i said this , he then got all snotty with me, and PUT THE PHONE DOWN.I rang him back astonished,i asked him why he was being like this with me, and why did he put phone down? he said he was in a meeting (i was talking to him a few seconds earlier!!)he then put the phone down again. He came over the following Weds (it was his birthday) he totally ignored me and just spoke to the kids. I felt uncomfortable in my own home.I gave him his present he just glared, i went into kitchen to make a coffee, he then turned and walked out getting into his car and drove off. He left his present on the floor. I was gobsmacked so were kids. There has been no contact since, he sends xmas cards and vouchers for children and birthdays cards etc for them only. My first birthday after this i was dreadfully hurt that he did not send a card, to this day i don't understand what i did wrong. He did not have contact with my brother for 2 years, (my brother's choice)and used to say mean things to me about him like he was cutting him out of his will, would not send anything for his birthday as that would upset him.My brother got into contact with him last father's day (I was pleased for my brother)They now have regular contact. I rang my father last year twice to see if this could be sorted, he was cold on the phone, i tried to tell him things about the kids, he was half interested.He said he would phone maybe the following week, he never bothered. In some ways i was relieved. My problem now is my husband sent him an e-mail on Monday (12th Feb) it was very nice, saying for him to phone and arrange to meet up (I was only aware of this last night) my husband said the kids had changed dramatically (they have in 18 months) and that my father must be as upset as me. My husbands intentions were good, but i wish he had not done this. My father has not bothered contacting us, no surprise there. Like i said i had got used to this, my father is on his 3rd marriage - my mum and his 2nd wife were treated like dirt. I must admit i did not think he would ever treat his own daughter so badly.I know one of the reasons my husband contacted him was because he wants the children to have contact with their grandad. My mum is a doting mum and grandmother and her husband is wonderful with the kids.My husband lost his parents a few years ago, again they were lovely with the kids and very special people to me. My family can't understand my father's behaviour. I just wondered if anyone else has been in a situation like this or has any advice.
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female
reader, cd206 +, writes (15 February 2007):
 It does sound like vry strange behaviour, especially since you can pinpoint the moment it all went wrong and it doesn't seem like a good enough reason for your father's behaviour. You asked for people who have been in a similar situation to respond. Mine is quite different but I thought I would tell you anyhow to see if you can get any comfort from it. My mother's parents have always despised my Dad. They see him as from an inherently working class background and not good enough for my mum. They've always had a problem with me since I was born after only six months of marriage (and I wasn't premature) and theyve always blamed me and my Dad for that and treated us like total outsiders. At the end of the day the only person who could shock them into cleaning up their act and behaving themselves was my mother and since she shouted at them they have been slowly sorting out their bad attitude although they obviously have odd relapses of snideness. I think that the way this connects to your own situation is that things can't get any worse between you and your father. Your husband has tried to fix it the diplomatic way and it hasn't worked so maybe it's time you really lay the facts on the line for him and tell him how badly hurt your family is by the way he's acting. Tell him that you love him and want him to be a part of your kids' lives but that right now he really needs to sort out his attitude and act like a grown up. I can't see you saying any of that stuff making things worse since it sounds like you're at an all time low. In some ways it might be the best thing you can do. Kids know when they're being spurned or not told the whole truth and I bet your kids are confused and hurt by his behaviour almost as much as you. It's time to act on this and if he makes a decision to keep behaving the way he is try and explain it to your kids without handing out blame since he might one day realise how stupid he's been.
CD
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