A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what to do or what to think and am trying to figure out what in the world is going on with my boyfriend. Maybe someone can help me out with this? We have been together for just over one year. Everything has been pretty good between us in general, although I have to say on thing that has always made me wonder is that my Mom really doesn't like him .. and she is very intuitive normally but I try not to listen to her going on about how she doesn't like him and has a bad "vibe" about him. She only met him twice!But then lately he has started making odd comments to me about my body. I find them really upsetting. They also seem to come out of like nowhere. Like I can be sitting watching some TV or reading and he will say, do you know how to get rid of your zits? You have a few on your nose, my sister knows how to get rid of them. And then he went out to meet his friends. That maybe sounds ok to some people, like he was trying to help me right... But so strange, just outta the blue. A couple of days later, I have the day off work, he is heading out to college, his parting words as he leaves the house? Not have a nice day, he doesn't even kiss me as normal, just "you're going to get fat if you're not too careful". Boom. Out he goes.The worst ones recently got me really upset. He told me I need to do sit-ups and press-ups every day and weight training otherwise bits of me are going to start getting flabby and saggy. I am in my twenties for crying out loud, and I really don't need to do any more exercise than I am already doing, which is nearly every day anyway and I don't exercise to look good for anyone, I do it for my health. Then a few days back he said my breasts really need toning up and they used to be a lot firmer. He did the same thing, walked out the house after insulting me and then later acted like he said nothing.Why is he doing this? When I ask him why, he says he is trying to help me/denies some of it/says I am overreacting/says he is teasing me and I need to get used to his sense of humour.We have a pretty good sex life and he still seems to want to have sex with me but I can't get over his comments, which to me were downright nasty. He rarely compliments me and now if he did, it would just sound shallow after all this. I am on the verge of leaving him because he won't explain what he meant, he just keeps repeating the above .. wants to help me.. bla bla bla... But in my world, if you want to help someone, you support and encourage them. Anyway, what can I do about my chest size and my build? Nothing.. I am built the way I am and I am healthy and fit enough. I am not overweight.Is he cheating? Is he bored with me?
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female
reader, ova-valentine  +, writes (24 January 2016):
 One word. That word is ASS. BREAK UP with him!!!!!!!!! If he makes you feel bad about yourself, WHY DO YOU WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP????? Do the right thing for YOURSELF! You will be so much happier when he's gone.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2016): Whoa whoa whoa...hold your horses!!! Before considering leaving him or thinking he's preparing to leave you, I want to give you the undertone and some insight behind his comments. I've been in your shoes. Let me clue you in on a few things, girlfriend.
First of all, he's insensitive and does not know how to communicate. His approach is based on his upbringing and the unnecessarily harsh disciplines he has been taught throughout his life. No one taught him how to encourage, motivate, and offer positive-reinforcement. He has always received it point-blank and bluntly. Instead of offering suggestions with an explanation of the reasoning behind them, or offering the motive behind the words; he drops bombs on you. I also think he is attacking your self-esteem thinking that's a motivator. Establishing the "who's the boss?" approach. "Just do as I say, I'll have no argument!"
That pisses me off!
Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, and sooooo very wrong!!!
Poor communication skills is one of his problems. If he is athletic and has been coached; his approach is coming from the same place. Meaning, he doesn't want to hear whining and complaining, drama, or deal with the emotionalizing. He is totally forgetting he's not talking to a jock in football gear. You're not a soldier in his platoon.
He's speaking to the woman in his life! He is speaking to a fellow-human being with feelings and sensitivities; who cares enough about him that she would put his feelings first. Don't hold back when you can offer him a few life-changing suggestions; like learning how to speak to women in the proper way.
His parents most likely criticize him bluntly, possibly his father for the most part. One or both parents didn't/don't offer him advice with encouragement and the tender loving care that comes across as help, not cold-hearted criticism. On top of all this, he's expecting perfection. Just because he's disciplined and vain; he expects you to follow suit. He expects you to be a super-model based on his own conceit and high expectations. Remind that jerk he's not coaching a team, he's talking to his girlfriend. Even coaches know what lines not to cross, and how to deliver a motivational speech.
Now here's another of his problems. If you're given to tears, you're over-sensitive, and the least criticism you receive hurts your feelings...you don't allow for constructive-criticism. Even if you may believe you do, most of us (myself included) will take criticism personally before we consider the words as helpful suggestions. So his tactic is; drop a bomb, and take-off like a fighter-jet.
You should know your boyfriend. You should know whether his words come from love or an evil place. If he has spoken to you gently on his concerns, which you totally dismiss; then he's going to come at you hard. You sometimes have to be tough; but still be able to discern between verbal-abuse and constructive-criticism; or blunt suggestions that are made out of frustration. Only because everything he says is taken out of context or considered hurtful criticism. Women often expect a lot from their guy, but don't care what he expects from them. Falling back on the, "he's being critical of my body" excuse. Sometimes he's not. If he works hard to look good for you, he may expect the same in return. Otherwise, get a coach-potato or less active guy who doesn't give a damn about fitness.
Compatibility is based on having similar or complementing value-systems, and holding things in-common. Not always agreeing, but able to compromise. If you don't, you'll disagree and never be on the same page.
Also consider what he may be listening to from his buddies. They may be very jealous and sometimes they will make unsavory comments about women. Sly and indirect attacks. He'll worry that they're making references to you; or it is their perception of you. So he is trying to keep you toned and in top-form for the sake of image, and his own male-ego and narcissism. Also very wrong!
You have to have a sit-down with this guy. Remind him that you have your own action-plan when it comes to your health and fitness. You appreciate his concerns, but you don't like his style and delivery. In fact you tell him point blank, since that's his style; he is a jerk and it reflects poorly on his attitude.
Inform him that he's insulting and very disrespectful to your feelings. If he can't speak to you on civil and considerate terms, keep his criticisms to himself. If he can't communicate to you with maturity and sensitivity about very personal matters; then he is pushing you out of his life. You are seriously considering leaving him if it doesn't stop! Most importantly, mean it if you say it!
Establish the very fact that you will not tolerate this from him, or any man. If he's feeling you're not hot enough; maybe you are beginning to feel he's superficial and lacks the integrity and manliness you thought you were attracted to. Stand your ground and don't you dare shed one tear.
This is the one time you do not allow him a word in edgewise. This is a matter of guarding your feelings, protecting your self-esteem, and gaining his respect.
Use the word r-e-s-p-e-c-t as often as necessary. Some d*ckwads need constant reminders that just because you don't have a nut-sack; that doesn't mean you're not his equal, and entitled to the same kind of care and respect he thinks he deserves simply because he was born male.
If he walks out of the room and doesn't care to listen; that's when you consider replacing him with someone better. Ignore any desire or weakness to let this slide, just to keep the peace. It's going to get worse until you stand-up to him for it. The problem ends, once you address it like a woman. Not like a teary school-girl. Practice it before you do it. Build-up your courage, and straighten him out!
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (24 January 2016):
 Break up with him, and when he asks why tell him it's his B.O., and you can't stand it anymore. The chipping away at your self esteem is poor conduct from someone you are supposed to be closest to. Save yourself from further insult.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (24 January 2016):
 When boyfriends get passive aggressive, there is no point talking to them. He's getting you to break up with him without the bad guy. He wants to tell his friends that the reason of the break up was because "she's insecure, has no sense of humour, and she takes everything I said as criticism."
I bet he's not some billionaire that can afford a super model. This is not really about your physical attributes. If his only complaint is that you are not pageant material, then take it as a compliment instead because there's basically nothing wrong with you.
When young guy breaks up for no apparent reason, it's usually him and not the girl. Relationships turn into life long companionship if not marriage and kids. Still it takes a lot of money to cultivate one. It would look like guys like these are trading in for "newer and better." Beneath that cockiness is the insecurity that they don't have what it takes to take it to a deeper level.
I don't even get why you want to have sex with him after the criticism.
The most common reason young people break up within the 2 year mark is lack of money or career prospects. He wants you to be stupid enough to believe it's your body.
Do him a favor and break up with him. You don't even have to explain why.
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