A
female
age
30-35,
*uperxxfreakk
writes:Hi there, My name is Cellina. I am 19 years old and of course having problems with my BF. Ok, here it is... Ive known him for about 12 years, we grew up together, went to the same schools and so on. We had a crush on each other in the early years (elementary school). We're the same age, but he was held back one grade in elementary school...Last year in my senior year of High school I was put in a junior math class, which was his. When i walked into that class I saw him and I smiled. Never expecting to start liking him. We would flirt an awful lot and then i started to drive him off campus to his car after school. Shortly after that we went on our first "date" and it was awsome. Shortly after that we were always on the phone and we began to go out. After a few months of going out we started to come across some issues with his mother. She began to dislike me? Without any reasoning.. She would make him come home early (9:00), 10:00 on the weekends and it was really killing me. Then the fighting began and we always fought. As the time went on were grew closer and he would then get mad at me for the stupidest things. He hated when i would go out, which was rarely. He didnt like that i went to clubs or go to parties or well just about anything. I dont drink at all that much, only once in a blue moon..It got to the point where it to me seemed rediculus and i would just go out anyways if i were to disagree with him. He would hate that, but then i would say thats not fair, im not doing anything wrong, and how it isnt fair that i cant disagree with him. But besides all that fighting we were would always see the best in the situation i guess. he would always get grounded from his parents and there were times i couldnt see him for months or even talked to him, but i chose to stick it out with him and after a year and half being with him.Now that im out of high school and he is finally ending his senior year. College is coming for him.. We both are going to the same college without any planning. About 4 months ago i broke up with him because of all the fighting and his parents being as*holes. I couldnt handle it. I myself is going through a tough time with my family and moving. We cursed each other out, said stupid things... That first 2 months that we broke up we would still hang out and act like we were going out when we werent. We tried to make it work and for some reason it just wouldnt. The 3rd month went bye and he or I did not talk at all, and at that time i thought i was over him... A month later i had surgery on my shoulder and he came to see me and well the sparks both flew back to the both of us. We started to talk again, but not so much see each other.. We hung out a few times but he would lie to his mother and say he was one of his friends. I hated that he cant tell her he is with me. Last night we had an argument about whats going on and what to do about it. He kept bringing up the past, that i did soo much wrong... I dont understand why he is like this and why he just wont see that I have changed and I dont do things like i used to. BUt then again he feels like he hasnt done anything wrong. When i try and talk to him about what bothers me and stuff like he does to me, he gets all mad and frustrated and hangs up... I went through a year and a half with being home early, (because of him) doing anything I could possibly can for him, but for some reason every thing i ever did or do isnt good enough for him.also, ive told him a hundred times i know what ive done wrong in this relationship and im willing to fix it and so on, and he then says oh i dont think you do and you havent changed. I dont understand why he always talks down to me and doesnt believe me? What do i need to do to prove to him that I have changed.. he has said many times that he does want me back and he still loves me, but he is afriad to go through what he did while going out with me... He apparently holds grudges why cant he get over them? I did many times with him, when he messed up, why cant he do the same for me?I am inlove with him and im stuck and i dont know what to do. I just cant seem to let go.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): You love him, that understandable, and you want him to change, but it dosen't seem like he will, we don't know him, you do. What do you think would get through to him, what could you do.
How about an ultimatum, I'm not to keen on this. I believe if you make threats you should always carry them out. How about you tell him what's bothering you and how seriously you feel about it. Tell him your relationship is at breaking point and you can't carry on.
Unfortunately, we always think we can change other people, the truth is we can't. People change because they want to, not because we want them to.
Anyway, good luck with college. We hope you keep well.
A
female
reader, superxxfreakk +, writes (3 June 2008):
superxxfreakk is verified as being by the original poster of the question I understand what you all are saying, but to me Idk if i can just move on and let him go. I guess it because im scared? Idk i really dont, i wish he would change and stop putting me down so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): Hi Celina,
Sorry to hear that you are in love and feeling stuck. This is not a great place to be in for your heart and mind.
What I suggest you do is to start moving on with your life, be grateful for the things you do have, like having the opportunity to go to college, not everyone gets to go or is smart enough to go and you obviously are smart enough.
Being a smart girl, you have already answered your own questions.
His mother is controlling and wants him to remain single and being a parent the last thing she wants for her son who is college bound to mess that up by getting a girl pregnant or getting too serious at such a young age...it will keep him from achieving his goals for the future.
Your first priority for both of you is school, get through college, graduate with a degree and decide on a career, you are going to need one so you don't have to ever depend on a man, because men die and they leave.
He is a boy who is not very forgiving and holds grudges regardless of your apologies and resolutions....
None of this is really your fault. The relationship is not working, it is not taking care of either of your needs and the best thing to do is to let it go, for now, and if in a few years you want to look each other up do so.
One sign of an unhealthy relationship is numerous on again off again scenarios, this is not a good sign that the two of you are happy together, are compatible or that it is the right time in your lives to be in a serious relationship.
You are going to make a lot of new friends in college and it is more fun to remain single at least for awhile as you go through school, it is a life experience you should not miss.
Take care, move on, and stop dwelling on him, life is short get out there and live it girl!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): I think he needs to let go of this grudge towards you and your actions. He also needs to listen to you instead of tuning you out. My suggestion would be is to talk to him alone in a special place and tell him that he has to trust you and the only way he can be sure that you have changed is by showing him that you have changed. Tell him to stop being an a##hole and start trusting you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): I'm not sure what he's holding a grudge about, but this relationship seems exhausting. This arguing and breaking up, getting back together, it seems more like a battle rather than a healthy relationship.
You've promised to change, you've apologized for what you've done, but he dosen't believe you. If he's so angry about the past, then why is he with you. It dosen't sound like he trusts you and it dosen't sound like he believes you when you say you can change.
I'm also concerned about his possessiveness. He dosen't like you to go out, well what are you supposed to do, stay in the same prision that his mother has put him in.
I know you love him honey, but I just can't see how this relationship is gonna work. Since you can't even talk to him, I don't know what you can do to change his mind and start helping you repair the relationship. Sorry.
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male
reader, PETER189  +, writes (3 June 2008):
 superxxfreakk, i have had the same sort of problem with my girlfiends parents and the same with mine, but we had told them to f**k off and it our lifes. have you spoke to him why hes being stubborn? i have been stubborn and it sound very much like how i was but i was doing this as i didnt want to show my girlfriend how much i loved her, so i tried to be strong but insted it was stubborn, DO WAT MAKES YOU HAPPY and if need be tell his mum that you love her son and cant you try to get on with each other.i hope this can help you, and if you need anymore help you can ask me agian.peter [last name removed]
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