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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I've been dating a man who is 10 years older than me for the past couple of years.It's been a good relationship. The sex is especially good and has been since the beginning. He has always loved my passion and energy and that I have a high sex drive. And he has always been an enthusiastic and willing partner. He says how thrilled he is with our sex life and that he would not ever be able to find a more perfectly suitable partner sexually.But yesterday while making love he seemed agitated. Actually when he first walked into my place he seemed agitated, preoccupied and not too happy overall. He said it was because he needed to eat something. Well he ate something but his mood appeared unchanged. While having sex he seemed a little distant although still turned on.I noticed his mood before and during and did ask him several times if anything was wrong. He said no. But after sex he was a little upset. And he has never been upset with me regarding sex before. He has never come out and voiced any sort of dissatisfaction with our sex life before. It just seems odd that it happened yesterday and never before AND his mood in general was not a happy one and totally not like him.So he tells me it's too much of a good thing. That I expect him to climax every time but he might not always be able to. That when we have sex 4 x a week he struggles to cum. He said it becomes work and it is exhausting and takes all the fun out of it, becoming a chore. He said that I expect him to perform and he can't always finish but he wants to always please me. And that he is happy and content making me climax multiple times without having to climax himself. I like when he cums. It is the ultimate pay off of the whole sexual experience. I guess I like to see him orgasm for the same reasons he likes to see me orgasm. I did not see it as wrong or doing something wrong.He always loved the sex and never had any complaints. And he is the type never to say anything anyway. So the fact he said this and said this at all concerns me.He also said he can't cum every time and that if I am looking for that then he isn't the guy who can do that for me.I asked him if he wants me to find another guy. He said no.After he left he texted to say sorry for being such a downer and then said how he is so happy to be with me.I don't get the fact he expressed dissatisfaction and never did before. And then he seemed to feel bad about it because he texted to say sorry.I am not sure what is going on here. I have read that when men start to express dissatisfaction when they didn't before they are involved with or contemplating being involved with another woman.I don't know how to read this. It has hurt me a lot. I am feeling depressed about it. Worried he might not be happy with me anymore. He always said how he loves that I exhaust him sexually. And he lapped it all up.Why the sudden change in attitude?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2016): If this IS an affair situation, then the concerns of the OP are justified.The worry of a mistress is that her married lover will tire of her sexually sooner or later, despite how intense the fireworks always were.So she sees herself as a sitting duck.I am sure she offers so much more than sex but does he CARE? Does he even see it?She realizes that she is side sex to him. This is NOT a REAL relationship.So, that is what she is validating herself with. SEX. And rightly so. He would not be with her if it were not for the sex.At this point, 2-3 years in, it starts to become more like a "relationship" for both parties and the mistress worries that is not what the married man signed up for. After all he has a "relationship" with his wife.So, she will forever be insecure. And forever worry she is replaceable.And so fast forward a few years from the beginning when things were super charged, he is NOW saying this. WHY? WHY NOW and NOT 2 YEARS AGO? Because it's likely he is starting to become BORED and is beginning to view this affair as a CHORE now. Again....WHY? Ask the OP. If she's a mistress, she is worried her worst fear is on its way to becoming a reality.This is the problem with remaining with or even starting up with a married man.The other woman FALLS in LOVE with him and is afraid to death of HIM DESTROYING her HEART. It is too late for her now.... whatever happens.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2016): Hello everyone.
It's the OP.
Thank you all for taking the time to reply. You have helped me more than you know.
I will keep your advice in mind.
Sometimes we the posters of questions are too close to the situation to see things clearly, objectively or correctly.
You all helped me to save this relationship. By not taking it personally and blaming him and not realizing I have been insensitive to his feelings and
needs.
Thank you so much. :)
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 April 2016):
 I agree with Tisha-1. This sounds just like our long term poster the mistress of the older guy....
Who in which case, would be well over 45 , according to previous posts, therefore very unlikely to keep up forever your current sexual rythm. SOME day one has got to slow down a bit, and it happened today as it could have happened yesterday, or tomorrow.
But also assuming that the man in question is only 45, same thing- 45 is not 17, it is perfectly normal that a man his age does not feel like having wild passionate sex every single time you meet , and performing on command like a trained seal "4 times a week and double shows on Sunday ".
But he did so far , for 2 or 3 years ? Well, luckily he is honest enough, and feels close to you enough, to admit that, after all this time, the mandatory orgasm is becoming more like a chore than a pleasure. It's quite possible that this is not so out of the blue as you think and that he did not tell you either struggling bravely to keep up with your stronger sexual demands, or immagining
( correctly ) that you were going to make a big fuss about it. But lo and behold the time came when he preferred to tell you the truth and let you know that if you still want to be with him you will have to tune down your requests and adjust your expectations.
I am not even so sure then, OP, that for you is actually a matter of having a very high sex drive. I think instead your sexual appetite is , or is also, motivated by fear and insecurity. Like, as long as you can keep him with your exceptional sexual prowess and impress him with sexual fireworks, fine ; the moment he starts getting used to it, or a tad less impressed..... then you are screwed because you feel you do not have anything else to offer him or anything else to keep him tied to you.
If it weren't for your fear, OP, actually it would be very simple to solve things. I.e., follow his drift and do NOT have sex every time you meet up. You can have sex on Monday then, on Wednesday, instead , play cards or go to the movies or cuddle. You may give him the chance to discover other aspects of you beside the sex crazed vixen, which, as you are seeing, is very interesting for a while but eventually , and inevitably, gets a bit old. And, as long as he does not feel ambushed by you and forced to perform, it may actually reawaken his sexual appetite.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (4 April 2016):
 He’s tired of having to prove his love through x number of sex encounters per week.
He feels like a performing monkey.
Look, he’s not a sex vending machine. Just because you are feeling worried or inadequate doesn’t mean that he has to do x y AND z to alleviate your fears.
It’s too much.
It’s not fun.
He’s tired.
He’s told you what’s going on with him.
Why the sudden change? Because he’s been making nice and pretending and hoping to keep you happy because clearly you are a voracious lover.
He’s older than you. You don’t tell us anything about his job or his other stressors.
This is all about your needs and not about his.
How about giving him a break and find another way to deal with your sex drive?
He’s not your personal sexual vending machine! He needs a break. Having to perform to your standards 4x week is not fun. It’s work and it’s exhausting him. He’s told you this plainly. Why is this so hard for you to comprehend?
I think you are very caught up in being validated by his sexual desire for you.
I’d get couples counseling ASAP.
Unless this is our long term poster with the married man?
In which case, you’ve been worried about him leaving you for quite some time now, and it’s freaking you out. There were posts about using his phone to track him, among others...
I think you have gone a bit over the top and need a bit of a break. Maybe it’s time for you to take a personal vacation from him, give him time to miss you?
Did you ever see the movie “Blazing Saddles”? There was a great performance by Madeline Kahn. “I’m Tired”... your post reminded me of this. He’s tired! Give him a break!
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (3 April 2016):
 I don't think that it's your high sex drive that's upsetting him but rather his decreasing sex drive because he seems unable to keep up. I'm guessing his age is around 45, and that is the time of decreasing libido in lot of men for variety of reasons and the simplest one is stamina from lack of excise. So it becomes a chore, because he no longer derives pleasure.
Maybe what he said sounded like scapegoating you or perhaps you scapegoated yourself, but the underlying relationship with you is fine.
You should look up some ways to crank up his libido by examining the diet, exercise, his testosterone levels and look into some supplements to boost energy and libido.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 April 2016):
 I agree with Ciar.
And I also want to add that maybe he had a day where he just wasn't looking/wanting sex. We ALL get those.
And I think you are reading WAY too much into his behavior. Maybe because you feel he somehow rejected you and your sexual advances. He didn't reject YOU. He just wasn't in the mood, but complied anyways in an effort to try and PLEASE you.
It's OK to have an OFF day. You need to accept that HE can have those too. LEARN to listen to him and not make everything about you.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (3 April 2016):
 Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
He enjoys you, and the sex but he feels pressure (real or imagined) to live up to the standards set from the start. He believes you have certain sexual expectations and he's been trying to keep living up to them.
That's how I read what he said, which is pretty much how he said it. Why does there have to be some extra hidden meaning in it?
He probably didn't speak up sooner because he anticipated you would be more upset than you needed to be and it would create more problems. It seems he was right to be concerned.
I think you need to learn to accept honesty without assuming it's just the tip of the iceberg or a prelude to a disaster.
His concerns are perfectly understandable and normal. If he doesn't need or want to climax every time you have sex, then leave him be without taking it as a reflection of you.
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