A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Have any of you been in a relationship where your SO brought out the worst in you? Turned you into someone who you never thought you could be? Made you feel like you were once something so special, but now you're worthless in their eyes? This is how my relationship is now......toxic. Yet, I'm still with him. Our good days used to out number the bad, but now it's the other way around. Fortunately, I've acknowledged that I am in an abusive relationship and I'm noticing the red flags, more now than ever before. However, I'm stiiill with him; still holding on.The emotional abuse: He makes me feel so special, as if I was a princess and the next day, makes me feel as if he would have no problem replacing me. Also, no matter how nice I look when we step out, never once do I hear a "You look nice." I know it's not much, but sometimes a female just likes to hear how nice she looks, especially when she reeeeally looks nice! Also, he will make comments like "She ain't goin' anywhere."The verbal abuse: 1)He calls me a b*tch like he's calling me by my name. Next day, he says, "I Love you". 2) Before what's suppose to be a romantic evening, he will refer to me as "dumbass" via text--because I was literally 2 minutes late from picking him up from work!The Physical abuse: 1) Threatens to put his hands on me 2) He has before: bloodied my nose, knocked my head upside the passenger window, from inside the vehicle 3) almost pushed me down stairs. All of this happened in 2008, he swore he would never hit me again and hasn't since, but still....it has happened before.Before he came into my life, I was so happy-go-lucky, secure, and life was amazing. When I first met him, I thought I found my prince charming...now, unfortunately, I feel like he's a FROG.But guys...I'm still here. still with him. After nearly four years of being with this guy and going through all of this BS, I'm stiill here. Reminising on the good times--scared to move on and find someone else. I'm just so used to him being around and now since I've been with him for so long, I know for a fact that I will HATE to be single...I think I'd feel lonely. Just having someone to hang out with, go eat with, watch movies with, shop with, dance with, text, call, I will miss all of that..WHY IS IT SO HARD TO GET OUT AND MOVE ON? Plz, someone, help!P.S. For those who will take time out of their day, evening, or night to write to me, please do not judge me or put me down for sticking with him, especially since he has hit me before and does all of these things. I guess you could say, I would like to hear from someone who has "Been there". I really enjoy helping people out and giving advice/suggestions, but NOW I need help and I need some advice! Thanks :)
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female
reader, nannasc +, writes (12 July 2011):
I have lived in your shoes and have just escaped a 16 1/2 year relationship that sounds exactly like what you described. I lived for years thinking one day he would realize what he had and he would realize how much he hurt me. I tried everything I could, but the abuse and pain only got worse. By the time he began to physically threaten me, I started living in fear that he would move from the line of verbal and emotional abuse to the physical abuse. I had seen it happen with an aunt and a co-worker. I knew that it was only time before it would happen. So, something in me snapped. I finally began to see him for who he was - a controlling, nasty, mean man who didn't care about anybody but himself. He only wanted me there as a slave and someone to control in each and every way. In the process of my leaving, I found a wonderful group of people who were living and had survived the same fate. It is wonderful to be among friends who are supportive and understanding in a way that no one else could ever be. I invite you to join the Facebook Group, Invisible Scars - Verbal Emotional Abuse. It is a closed group, so you will have to ask permission to join and explain your story. You will be among friends.
A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (7 April 2011):
 what a lovely follow up, i hope you will one day get away from him. i have a feeling that you will
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Ambassadeur KoKo--Got'cha! That makes so much better sense. I understand what you're saying-thanks for taking time out of your day to make it more clear!@AngelDlite--you're right about him making me feel like I can't do better..deep down I know I can! I just have so much time invested, I don't feel like starting over. And yes, I could neeever make excuses for him and his behavior towards me. He can be so sweet, but as just mean...*sigh*@EVERYONE--beleive it or not, u guys have reeally helped me out. Thanks again and I reeeally mean that. I don't have too many that I can talk to about things like this so it helps to talk to strangers and get some help! I think that's why I love this website! . Thank u a million and 1 times!
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (5 April 2011):
hi this guy has reduced you to being someone who thinks they cannot get anyone better i think. you know all the bad things he is doing and it is good that you are not making excuses for him. the longer you stick with him the more he will reduce you. you are young enough to start again with someone who knows how to treat another human being with respect, but while you are wasting your time with him, you are missing out on countless opportunities. you will leave him when you are ready, not when other people tell you to do so. one day you will wake up and realise you have had enough and from then on there will be no way he can convince you to go back to him.i suggest you make a list of all his bad points. finish with him and keep hold of this list to read whenever you feel lonely and start to question yourself if leaving was the right thing to do. i did this with an ex of mine, i started writing and was shocked to find that the list contained a THOUSAND items! needless to say, i never went back to him, even after a year of weekly phone calls from him. in the end i managed to break free from that too and am much happier for it.you will meet someone else in the future don't worry about that, hopefully this experience will teach you how to appreciate a good guy when he comes along. the longer you stay with this horrible excuse for a man, the more emotionally damaged you will end upxx
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A
male
reader, Ambassadeur Koko  +, writes (5 April 2011):
 I don't strongly recommend you to stay in that relationship. You clearly this "Reminiscing on the good times--scared to move on and find someone else. I'm just so used to him being around and now since I've been with him for so long, I know for a fact that I will HATE to be single...I think I'd feel lonely". That is why I told you that since you are used to this and you still love him, the relationship is matured in this situation. Good enough he is someone who realises his mistake, accepts it and ask for forgiveness. He also don't repeat it again when he promise not. Very many guys are out there who won't kneel down and say I am sorry but he does this. The good thing is to always let him know that you don't like it when he does this and that to you. And again don't pile up problem and discuss it later with him when you are already fed up of it. Discuss it at an early stage before it becomes late to solve it. You can move on if your comfort is no longer there in this relationship but if you already get used to it and knows how to face it when it happens then don't destroy the walls that have been built for years just in one day.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Ambassadeur Koko: So r u saying I just need to stay with him and it's ok for him to treat me the way he does? I disagree. However, I'd like to hear why you feel like that!Would you stay with a female that treated you like that and abused you emotionally and verbally?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): Don't listen to these people that are saying you just have to deal with it. As much as I regret using my current BF as a stepping stone to get out of my bad relationship he is the polar opposite of my ex. There are other men out there that don't treat women like crap. My BF loves me and would never hit me, or cheat on me, or mentally abuse me in any way. He's caring, smart, talented, sophisticated, loving, genuine, the list goes on. There are plenty of men out there like that. Kick this guy to the curb. He will never change.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell--after what happened last night and after what motivated me to hop online and ask this particular question, he called me last night and apologized for his behavior. He sounded sincere--as if he knew he was wrong. He said it needs to stop because he doesn't want to lose this relationship over his attitude. The truth is: I've heard this all before. It reeeeally is a cycle. When he drinks, it's pretty bad too....but he doesn't "remember" what he says or does-says a lot huh? How can I trust him when he's out w/ his friends if he gets so drunk and doesn't remember ANYTHING that happens while he's drunk? *sigh* But last but not least, thank you all for your feedback....it helps a lot hearing from both males and females. I reeeeally appreciate this guys. Thanks again Love y'all!
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male
reader, Ambassadeur Koko +, writes (4 April 2011):
That is what a strong relationship is for. get someone, accept him the way he is, love him. Get used to his behaviours and live with for the rest of your life. If you leave him now, you will miss all that you have mentioned about him because, it is already part of your life. Otherwise you could get something better or worse outside there. This are the relationship that survives on
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 April 2011):
 Another thing, being single is good. Make it good for you too! Got something you always wanted to do? Well, once you get single go ahead and do it! Take a vacation somewhere, get a new hairstyle, treat yourself to something you can't really afford, go away somewhere, visit that relative you always wanted to visit, buy that purse you always wanted. But only after you are single. Give yourself something extra once you get single.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (4 April 2011):
I've been there. And there is only one thing to tell you: you WILL be happier once you get him out of your life.You are not happy now. Moving on is hard. But you're a big girl, you can do it. You just got to suck it up, acknowledge that you just used 4 years of your life on him, and it is not going to end in a fairy tale. Why waste more years.Do you REALLY think that having someone to eat dinner with is worth this? It's not really... you got by fine before he entered your life. You are a big girl and not a child, you can eat your dinner alone. And if Im right you won't be eating dinner alone for long. Because guess what... there's more fish in the sea. And most of them are better than this frog."Just having someone to hang out with, go eat with, watch movies with, shop with, dance with, text, call," Get yourself a friend. You can do ALL of that with a FRIEND. Why is it so hard to move on? People are generally scared of change. It's in our nature. But if the worst that can happen is that you will eat dinner alone, or that you just need to find a friend to do all the shopping with.... toughen up, do what you know you got to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): Yes I have been there. Punched, slapped, name called. He tried to push me down a flight of stairs too. He wouldn't let me go anywhere with friends. He tried to jump in my car window when I was running away from him. He did some other really mean emotional abusive things to me I don't want to get into, but I have been there. We dated for two years but had a "thing" for 4 years. I stayed with him because I had low self confidence and other reasons. I felt like no one else wanted me. Well on the last night we broke up he chased me with a butchers knife. Don't let it get that far, leave now. Don't be afraid of the single life. Being single is one of the most self freeing times in a persons life. Don't jump into a relationship after a bad one either. Take time to reinvent yourself and truly find yourself. Learn how to be just one again instead of two. That way when you find the right man you will be able to give him your all. I am speaking from experience on that end too. I used another man to get out of my bad relationship and I never took time for myself and now...anyway, leave this A hole. I also, don't agree with the person that said all American men act this way, that's just absurd. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Philips +, writes (4 April 2011):
 It's the same way pimps control their prostitutes. Make them experience extreem emotional highs and extreem lows. That way you don't experience a routine and have a very hectic life. Your life will be full of fear, but sometimes you'll feel better.Very few guys have this behaviour as an instinct.Emotionally fragile or exposed females with no support are the one falling in this trap. The truth is, its a chain which is almost impossible to escape. He will always have some sort of ontrol over you. Even if you dump him, you know that if he comes to you, you can't refuse him.He trashed your self confidence. Yes, i've been there, i've been the one dominating. I've matured a lot since. I understand that trap better now.I can't say i'm an angel now. It's only , i do my stuff intelligently. Yes, It's good to dominate but its better when you understand how the other person feels.Can't fight inner nature.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): The thing that keeps us in relationships like this is a complex mix of hope, optimism, glorifying the good times, and insecurity. Nobody will fault you for hoping that the relationship might come around, that he will change. But when the good consistently outweighs the bad, as you clearly stated, it is time to move on. Especially when abuse is involved. That is not a recipe for happiness or success.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): There's no advice to give you that you don't already know OP. It's very easy to advise someone else with their issues, it's very easy to know the solution to issues but acting on them when there are deep emotions involved is another thing.
"Have any of you been in a relationship where your SO brought out the worst in you?"
Yes, I've been in that situation a few times, although admittedly never as long as your one. I've never let the fear of being single stop me leaving someone though. I find that most girls fear being single but honestly I love being single just as much as I love being in relationships. I have great friends that I can hang out with therefore I'm never lonely, you'd be surprised how many people come out of the woodwork when you become single.
The only thing I can say to you is the longer you let this continue the longer it will take you to get over it, the longer it will take you to find a good guy and honestly there is nothing but good things waiting for you once you make the decision to leave. So just make that decision and stick by it. Honestly though you should have been gone a long time ago, you really need to sit down and ask yourself why you still persist, it's not fear of being single OP, you've been single before and you know there's nothing wrong with it.
If you think you're not strong enough to deal with a break up again you're wrong. You've probably don it before and you know it only hurts for a little while.
Seriously sit down and have a long hard think about your future, is this the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with? Is the guy you want to spend another 6 months with? OP do you even really want to spend another week with this guy? If you don't then why do you persist?
The harsh reality is you don't have a future, you don't even have a now. You have nothing and you can have something, you can create a future, you can have happiness, love, respect, dignity but you don't want those things because if you did you'd do what it takes to get them. So just sit back and watch as life passes you by, just keep going with this and watch as nice guy after nice guy pass you by, as love and happiness remain just outside of your reach.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): No judgment here doll. Not at all. Thanks for your post...
Now, I feel youre still with him because of all the emotion you have invested into the relationship and may subconsciously think its easier to repair things vs moving on. Another idea could be, and I say this with utmost respect, that you have extremely low self confidence and will take whatever you get out of a man. If thats the case it is highly evident here it seems which is unhealthy.
The man you have is a "project" and a solid part of the reason why I no longer live in the US after being put outta business by a$$holes like him. He needs to grow up, get professional help, and get his act together in how he treats a woman. I didnt just walk onto this board from the taliban camps, this guy is typical in many ways compared to most idiotic American men.
You need to come to your senses here and make a logical decision about being with him and it sounds like youve started that process. If you have good family and friends, they can help emotionally support you and recover and also us here on DC, we're here any time. You deserve much better. Get out of this. Best wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): honestly being single isn't that bad. I haven't been in ur shoes but i know of girls in ur shoes. Ur better of leaving him there are so many better guys in life who will treat u better. U just need to do some searching but i will tell u live ur life and smile then when u least expect it something good will come into ur life. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): I was there from age 21-25. Relationship model - 100% same. I walked out just to meet much nicer men in the future. I met up with him years later he was still hitting on me, by that time he was pathetic in my eyes and still remains so. He said the opposite - that comparing what he was with in following years I was an angel...One thing I learned is that people dont change, we might adjust our behavior in certain situations but we dont change who we really are inside. Your life, your choice but know that no space stays unfilled - there is always next person your paths will cross with, Best wishes!
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