A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Why is it so hard to find someone who will give you unconditional love? How come some people have it and most dont? Id like to have it but my husbands love is conditional. Why is it so hard to love someone no matter what happens? Why cant love be stronger than anything anyone can do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012): "f theres no such thing how do other couples stay together till one or both die?"
Funnily enough I just read two articles about the the two longest married couples both of those have conditions on their love one of those couples even have a list of their conditions under the heading of "tips" http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2226145/Worlds-longest-married-couple-Husband-wife-100-spent-87-happy-years-together.html?ito=feeds-newsxml
Everyone has conditions, it's a universal thing the only difference is weakness and tolerance. Why does a woman stay with a man who beats her senseless and rapes her a lot in a marriage? Weakness and tolerance of the intolerable, not love. The reason people stay with cheaters is weakness and tolerance.
My current girlfriend of 7 years is my greatest love and we plan on getting married someday and raising children. As Code stated there are vows for a reason, they are conditions, they are rules of behaviour designed to make a marriage successful, break one of those vows and spiritually and legally you have a right to leave that marriage. That has always been the case throughout history, although some cultures frown so deeply upon divorce that it's not really acceptable and is seen as a too great a failure, that's how important those vows are.
Marriage and relationships have to be practical as much as they have to be about love, for me practicality is more important than love although a relationship can't work without both. In cultures where arranged marriage is the norm practicality is 100% the reason and it's what's practical for the families and the couples needs and desires come second.
All evidence points unconditional love not only being a myth but being unworkable. Domestic abuse proves that, child abuse proves that and the rising divorce rates prove that. If you look at the list of reasons people divorce about 95% of those reasons are practical issues, cheating, abuse, financial issues, maltreatment and even some people quote porn usage as a reason. Falling out of love is one of the least quoted reasons for divorce.
It was my long time married grandparents and granduncles and aunts that instilled in me the importance of practicality. Romance is great but if you just don't work together on a practical level it cannot last because profound, weak knees love does not last forever, longing, desire and lust fade, and if anyone thinks a relationship will survive abuse or maltreatment when that happens they're a fool.
Love is a choice, you may not choose who you fall in love with but you choose to remain in love with them and you do so according to your conditions. I love my girlfriend with every fibre of my being but if she cheated on me she'd be gone regardless of how much I love her and I would get over her eventually were we to ever split up. In my opinion that makes relationships far more special than if they were unconditional, a reward is much greater when it's earned than when it's just given. Having her in my life is proof that I'm a good guy, with lots of good things to give to the world because she wouldn't have it any other way and she too would not accept bad behaviour. In that way our love is more special because it's always a choice and having someone so amazing and wonderful choose to be mine is a far more profound sense of pride than if I was with some weakminded idiot that will stay with me just because they love me. I want to be wanted, I want to earn and deserve it because that says more about me as a person.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012): Other couples you see that appear to show what you believe is unconditional love is really just them being compatible with one another. They have chemistry and trust but that doesn't mean they don't have boundaries and that doesn't mean their love is unconditional. There is no such thing as unconditional love besides the love someone has for their kid and the love someone has for their mom and dad. Think about it, if a couple loved each other unconditionally then that means either of them can cheat like crazy and physically abuse the other because the other member will just tolerate it. That's not love and it's not healthy. Also you don't know what secretly is going on with other people you see. They may appear to love each other unconditionally but for all you know it may be a front and they may be on the verge of divorce.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012): If theres no such thing how do other couples stay together till one or both die? Surely they to must fight at times and dissagree. What makes them so special and others not?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 November 2012):
 I think unconditional love is a myth.
And if you look at it, you do not give unconditional love to your husband so why do you expect it in return?
I just don't think humans are able to give unconditional love - because each person have limits to what they will endure. Love is NOT a constant. You don't love someone a 1 or a 10. You love someone maybe a 2 at some point in time and then a 6 for a while, but it can change in a heartbeat.
It's like thinking that if you get married to a lovely guy you will live HAPPILY ever after automatically ... Life doesn't work that way.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2012): Really the only time in life you have that right to get unconditional love is when you are a child and from your parents and your childhood is over. As an adult, you will find other adults will either choose to stay in your life or leave based on your treatment of them and what you add to the friendship or relationship. Even with your own kids eventually, it will be you giving THEM unconditional love and not the other way around!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2012): Maybe you haven't really thought through the impact of your choice of words to describe what you want from love.Can you think of any situation that should make you not love your husband or wife anymore? Any at all? What about if they harmed other people or you? What if they betrayed you and stabbed you in the back? What if they grew to despise you?Its not healthy to have zero conditions for loving your mate. That means you have no standards and you want your husband to also have zero standards. That means you will stick around no matter how badly he may treat you. Or you expect him to stay with you no matter how badly you may treat him. This encourages lack of sincere love. It is co dependence instead. I agree with a earlier poster. If you believe there should be unconditional love between people then either you haven't thought through what this really means and how dangerous and messed up it can be or you just haven't had your conditions broken yet.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2012): "Id like to have it but my husbands love is conditional. Why is it so hard to love someone no matter what happens? "You misunderstand the concept of unconditional love. I firmly believe that the love between spouses and life partners, should NOT be unconditional. There should always be conditions. (what those conditions are, is a totally different subject altogether). Why? Would you insist that your husband love you even if you were to be physically abusive to him? what about if you were to be verbally or emotionally abusive to him like mocking him and putting him down? Would you insist your husband should unconditionally love you even if you were to cheat on him? If your answer to any of these is "yes" then you have a dysfunctional view of love. If your answer is "no of course I would not expect my husband to love me if I abused him or cheated on him," then you have just admitted that love should be conditional.The relationship between husband and wife is the closest of all types of human relationships. It's closer than the relationship between parent and child (your kids dont' see you undressed do they? see what I mean). It's closer than the relationship between friends, siblings, other family members.When I say "close" I don't mean as in warm, fuzzy, loving, supportive. I mean "close" as in - there are understood to be the fewest boundaries between the two people. You are not expected to live with your siblings or friends or even with your children (once grown) and tie your future life choices to theirs, but you are expected to live with and tie your future to your spouse. You are not expected to share your money and assets with your friends, siblings, or children but you are with your spouse. You are not expected to allow your friends, siblings, children, to touch you in private places but you are with your spouse.Thus, for a relationship that is this "close" the potential for fulfillment, emotional intimacy and emotional benefit is greater than with all other types of relationships. But so is the potential for harm.Your spouse has access to you and your life like no one else does. Therefore, your spouse can cause you the most harm with the least amount of effort. AND, the law often allows them to.Now, re-think whether it's a good idea for the concept of "unconditional love" to apply to the spousal relationship? I think not. Loving unconditionally is never easy, but it's easier to do within a relationship that has more boundaries in place to protect you from that person - such as: children, friends, siblings, parents, other family members. It is far easier to unconditionally love a child or friend or other family member because you do not at the end of the day have to tie your future and life to them. Furthermore, these relationships are not exclusive. You can have more than one child. You can have more than one friend. You can have more than one parent- or parental figure in your life. Loving one of those people unconditionally is easier because you can offset the toll that troublesome person does to you, by having similar healthier relationships with other people. But for spousal and intimate-partner relationships, there *should* always be conditions, because there are so much fewer boundaries built into this type of relationship (which is what makes the relationship more emotionally intimate if it goes well) that the stakes are so high for emotional damage to be inflicted on one or both people in that relationship. And also because this is the only type of relationship that is exclusive: you can only have one spouse or one intimate-partner at a time. If your relationship with your spouse sucks, you do not get to find fulfillment in this capacity with anyone else, they are "it" as long as you continue to maintain the official status of the relationship. For these reasons, it's simply unwise to aim for "unconditional love" for a marriage or intimate partner relationship. There should always be conditions, it's called boundaries, to show respect for the other person.I will warn you that usually people who want their spouses or intimate partners to unconditionally love them, are also the people who are mistreating their spouses/partners. Unconditional love is taken as a free pass to take no responsibility for putting any effort into the relationship or to behave however you want while expecting your spouse/partner to stay faithful to you because hey, your spouse is supposed to love you unconditionally no matter what you do or dont' do, right? This is an abomination of the very concept of love. It is toxic because it has selfishness as its foundation.Marriage should always be voluntary. You should be with your spouse for life because that's what both of you want. You don't want your husband to stay with you only out of obligation or because he feels he has no choice, right? But similarly, the concept of marriage being a voluntary relationship (voluntary to get into, and voluntary to stay in), precludes the concept of "unconditional love." It is good that your husband's love is conditional, it means that your marriage will either continue because there is genuine love and both of you are happy with each other, or it will end. What it will not turn into is a forced situation where you're married on the outside but your husband is really unhappy with you on the inside.Now if your husband's conditions are - in your opinion - unreasonable, shallow, superficial etc. then that means that there is a huge divide between how you two see the world, marriage, or each other. It does not mean that he "needs" to unconditionally love you to fulfill his obligation. It may mean that you chose the wrong person to marry. another concept is that you *can* unconditionally love someone within limits. Your husband may unconditionally love you *as a fellow human being* or as a family member, and still choose to divorce you because he does not want to be your husband anymore, and vice versa.
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reader, psychic fiona +, writes (1 November 2012):
 well, you ask for uncondtional love, very good it is possible because i found it, and its wonderfull to have such a thing when 2 people can shere that kind of thing and very hard to come by and when you do find it you need not to abuse it and hurt it so this is somthing you need to work on its a 2 way street if you show him than he will show you, it is what it is, go with it dont hold back you want that kind of love with your husband than you need to work at it make it happen you start and hell finish by showing you unconditional love but it doesnt come easy . you have to work at it and make it happen and create it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2012): "Why is it so hard to find someone who will give you unconditional love?"
Because there is no such thing, everything has it's conditions and reasons. Dogs don't love unconditionally, abuse one and it's not love it will feel for you.
"How come some people have it and most dont?"
Nobody has it, it's a myth. Would love anyone if you knew they enjoyed raping and killing children? Your own father, son, mother, daughter? I certainly wouldn't.
"Why is it so hard to love someone no matter what happens?"
Because our species would extinct if everyone loved unconditionally, it's protective mechanism that's stops us getting abused, used and hurt.
"Why cant love be stronger than anything anyone can do?"
Why should it be? OP why do you want this? So you can fuck people over and get away with it? Because frankly that and people who are painfully insecure and/or being chronically abused are the only people I've come across who yearn for unconditional love.
Love has to have conditions. Some of mine include not cheating, not being a rapist, not harming children, don't kill any of my family members. Some extreme examples there but if you think a person that does any of the above deserves your love then guess who the next victim is, not me I can tell you.
You see the idea of unconditional love is just an excuse for assholes to excuse their behaviour. If you find some idiot who will love you unconditionally then you can do anything you like to them and they'll always stick around. The world would be a better place if people had more conviction about their conditions. There'd be a lot less domestic violence, child abuse etc.
People who love unconditionally or think they can in my mind are lying, mentally deficient or just haven't had their conditions broken yet.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2012): If someone repeatedly hurts someone, cheats, lies and abuses then they are not worth loving with or without conditions. Have you done something you wish you hadnt been caught doing?
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2012): My dear ! remember , unconditional love is not to find but is to create. if u feel that your husband love is conditional then told him that what you feel and why you feel. remember that communication gap is very dangerous for love. Go Ahead. Good Luck .
Khurram Munawar
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 October 2012):
 No one have unconditional love from another human apart from their mother. If you want unconditional love your best bet is a dog.
The type of love you're seeking seems to me like a divine love you will only find in God. Humans are imperfect, hence our feelings will never be "perfect". Humans are both evil and good, we have the choice to be both. But few of us are either or. We, by nature, are both, and our love is conditional because we know that other people are not perfect, other people are not good to the core, and other people can hurt us. So we must protect ourselves, and protect our hearts, by not loving unconditionally. Because if you love unconditionally you also accept whatever treatment you get, without the option of saying no. This will put you at the others mercy.
Young humans, such as children, can love their parents unconditionally for a few years at the beginning of their lives. But once they are hurt, it ends. Teenagers can love unconditionally, that stage of a persons life tends to be so filled with changes and hormones that you almost live outside of yourself. You think everything will last forever, and you love unconditionally because you haven't been in love before, and don't know how much it can hurt. Other people take advantage of that... other people use you if you love them unconditionally.
We learn not to do it. But if you want someone to love you unconditionally, you must yourself love unconditionally. Learn how to do it. Are you willing to love your husband unconditionally, and give him all and everything, without the promise that he will do it in return? Because if you can't, then you know why others find it so hard as well.
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