A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've already posted on here a few times due to relationship problems but I'm really miserable with it now, I'm constantly thinking and worrying, and as a result I'm on edge. I can't enjoy work, university or time with friends, because I'm so bogged down with concern. I've been with my boyfriend now for going on 3 years, and we are young (19), it's had it's ups and downs, he's cheated (kissed another girl) and texted/flirted with other girls regularly in the first year and a half or so. In college, he was always the popular one given the space and freedom to do as he pleased, he would go out drinking, text girls and although I'd always express concern I would be being stupid. After he cheated, I forgave him, but to an extent I decided to try and attempt to put it at arms length. I always saw him as my soulmate, it's sad but I imagined being with him for years and years. Since then, it's tainted, I still care for him but I sort of feel as though the special element of us has gone.Since then, the passion or spark is gone. I don't feel as close as I used to, we seem to list of events in the day and then sit quietly and watch tv. But now he's got paranoid, he is always saying he thinks I will cheat, he always thinks I'm texting other men. When I work he asks if I get chatted up, he is excessively clingy. He texts me being far too nice, which has never been his way. I always wanted him to be kinder but now that he is being kinder (he was always snappy/negative and quite insulting), it feels all wrong. He will tell me a haircut is beautiful even if it's a trim, he texts me asking when I'm leaving for uni, returning home, I feel checked up on.There is a guy at university who is lovely, to an extent I feel cruel being so angry because deep down I do have feelings for this other guy. We laugh, and go out in our breaks and talk about all sorts. I'm comfortable and confident, and when he's nice it feels genuine. It's like my boyfriend see's how shitty he has been and he's now reflecting his guilt on me. I do love him, and I would never cheat, but every day I feel a closer connection to this guy at uni than my boyfriend. Passion/spark and true connection seems to be missing. Am I just hung up on him cheating? Can I change how I feel?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012): You are so young. You have your whole life ahead of you. If he is the right one you will know. He obviously is not. I was in your shoes, seems like it was just yesterday I was asking the same advice getting this same answer. But I married the guy, my feelings never changed, he never changed now we are 20yrs down the road and the affair that never crossed my mind, happened. And when I was with the other guy, I learned what it felt like to be loved. Please don't sell yourself short. You will probably regret it for the rest of your life. If anything, just take a break from the boyfriend to see if your feelings for each other are truly genuine.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 November 2012):
 What you are experiencing is pretty normal. YOU lost the trust in your BF. Once trust is gone other things in the relationship will deteriorate, specially if this has been a case of you "forgiving it" by just sucking it up. That is not forgiving that is sweeping it under the carpet. But I digress.
Like I said, it's kind of a domino effect. First goes trust. Then you start to doubt yourself, you feel less respect for him and... for yourself, because YOU are still with him even after what he did. (doesn't matter that your motives for staying are rather pure). Once the trust and respect are gone or going you start seeing HIM in a different light. And he KNOWS this. I think that is why he is being so clingy and trying to GUILT trip you. He knocked himself of that PEDESTAL and now instead of doing whatever it takes for to make you love that guy off the pedestal, he is trying to KNOCK you down with him.
Could be you are still hung up on the cheating, this IS something you can never forget, he can never undo. So you have two choices, you can WORK on truly forgiving him and work WITH him to put it in the past or you can accept that perhaps... YOU just can't be with a guy who can cheat on you, no matter how wonderful he is in other aspects.
For some cheating IS a total dealbreaker. For others it's not.
One thing I do want to say, is be aware of how you act with this friend at Uni. Because it sounds to me like you are bonding with him in a way that really isn't right. TWO wrongs no NOT make a right. And having this FABULOUS "friend" who makes you feel special can lead into something you don't really want to do. Which is EMOTIONAL cheating.
Accept that you are PISSED of at your BF for cheating on you and now accusing you of doing the same. Anger is normal in this situation, however holding it over his head or holding on to that anger is not helping you. Punishing your BF by withholding "love" is not right either. Seems to me like he is walking on eggshells around you being a total fake, hoping it will please you... which in turn seems to push you away. There is really only two solutions... Work through it or dump him and move on.
Good luck.
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