A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've recently become fed up with my husband after he's been going to a new local restaurant for 5 nights a week last week and also 3 nights this week, he spends a lot of money there.We've only been to it once, and that was to check it out; it was good, decent food, but to go every night would be risky financially. Great Mexican food, though.He's been going every single night, either alone, or with new friends who I've never met, but he met via social media, and it's caused friction between us.Half the time he kept insisting he has to do this and he's helping the local economy.The friends are young, tech-bro types, or tech-girl types, both male and female; he's 41, and they're aged 21-30, IIRC.Is this a sign of a midlife crisis and/or addiction?We were supposed to have date night on Wednesday but he'd already abandoned that for time with these people, as well as meeting them at the restaurant Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday - different people, though.He says to me he doesn't want me to meet them yet, claims he's still in the getting to know you phase.Why would you need to be so secretive about A RESTAURANT? and lying to your partner about seeing friends??I wouldn't want to go with girlfriends 5 nights a week to the same restaurant or bar, it'd get real old quickly wouldn't it?Yes, I get it the restaurant's new and only been here since March 5 when it opened in our town, but that's no excuse for ignoring your partner.It's fortunate I had solitary hobbies I could do when he was out or phoning my sister who lives miles away in Oklahoma City, but it was no substitute for the date night!It's not just these tech-bros he's been meeting, but other new young friends he met online but wouldn't explain who or why.I'm not confident with meeting new people online, still stuck in a mindset of "Be careful who you give personal data to, identity theft prevention, just do online shopping or banking, but not meeting people online".I have to be online for some of my jobs, one I access research papers and need online access, but it's hardly Facebook; access is exclusive and tightly controlled.I'm a freelancer, my husband is too, we both make decent money.My job is slightly more stressful than his; his job doesn't have as much work stress.I've asked my husband if we could go to a new restaurant, have a date weekend in a suburb of LA, but his reaction was "WHAT??? LA! There's a new French/Italian rrestaurant opening eighteen miles away and you want to visit LA. I've got to try that one first! But, yeah, once we've done that restaurant, I'd love to do the date weekend, you choose the date.".In all other areas of life, my husband's a good guy, sexually things are OK, but is this behavior a sign of a midlife crisis?He's not normally evasive about other things, he's normally quite open about things.Do you think he's embarrassed about his new friends, or the effect on our finances it's having?Don't get me wrong, we both love food, but aren't obese or ill, I like experimenting with both cooking and going to new restaurants, for him, well, it's eating out and eating and new restaurants; I do most of the cooking tbh but that's okay with me.Looking for advice on how to deal with this since the conflict is over going to a restaurant 5 nights a week with new friends.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2022): You need to follow him every time he goes to this "restaurant" and see what he is doing with your own two eyes. They will not lie, unlike him. Or hire a PI for a couple or three weeks to follow him around. It would be well worth the money. Spend HIS money if you have to. The PI will take photos and videos of him and who he is with and give you a precise timeline of where he is, who he is with, where he goes and what he is doing. The evidence does not lie. You can show him and then be prepared for him to DENY IT ALL! It is so laughable once confronted with pictures and video how guys have the balls to DENY it was them! This is beyond infuriating! But you KNOW it was him, and once you know, then walk away. There is nothing he can say to change the fact he is a dirty, deceitful cheater. Evidence does not lie! This guy sounds like a piece of shit with severe psychological problems. Someday once he is done playing his shallow little ego games, he will end up old and all alone, and full of regrets. But you won't care, because you will have no regrets because you will be living your best life with a GOOD MAN who treats you with respect and kindness. A man who LOVES you as you deserve. A man he can NEVER be.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2022): I very much agree with kenny - apart from it costing a lot of money and getting boring to eat at the same place all of the time - it seems to me that your husband wants to behave like a single guy who is on the dating scene, wanting to go out with girls half his age in the hope of - whether they go for it is another thing - I doubt they would want him when he is twice their age - even if single - but being married would also put them off. I don't think talking to him is the answer though. You should play him at his own game. Tell him you are going out such and such evening and be secretive about it and make sure he cannot come with. Do this regularly. He is taking you for granted because he has been with you a long time and because you are always there eager to see him. There is no mystery, no need for him to keep you sweet, it is all too easy with you. You need to create an air of mystery and make yourself seem more attractive and interesting than just being that woman who sits at home waiting.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2022): If this was my husband my thoughts would be flying straight to suspecting infidelity, not an addiction to Mexican food. His reasons for his behaviour are quite ridiculous. He is supporting the local economy??
He doesn't want you to meet them yet because he's still getting to know them??!!
What an absolute load of crap. Sorry to say this, but why on earth do you not suspect him of cheating? I've never heard of anyone so trusting. People he's met off the internet? More likely dates he has set up.
If I was you, I would follow him to this restaurant on the night he says he is going there and see first, whether he's actually there or not and second, if he is with a young woman.
Then I'd leave him.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (15 April 2022):
 I have to be honest i find his evasive behaviour very concerning indeed. Not to mention the cost of eating out everynight, he is not divulging who he is with, and is even meeting new unknown people of the internet, which for all we know could be dating sites, OP there are some huge red flags here.
You are married, you are both supposed to be a unit, have each others backs, and do stuff together, instead you are having dinner alone every night while he is out eating dinner at a restaurant with people considerably younger than himself that he met online.
I am not suprised its causing friction between the pair of you, what he is doing is bound to be a strain on any relationship/marriage. If i'm honest, you should not have to be putting up with this behaviour and i think if this continues then you may need to take drastic action with regards to continuing in this marriage.
Also, he tells you he goes to the same restaurant five times in the week, but does he really?. he tell's you this but we don't know he frequents this place as often as he say's he does. I hate to say it OP, but from what you have said, out five nights a week, meeting stranger's off of the internet, being evasive, i suspect he is up to far more than just eating out.
I think that you deserve better than this, you did not stand at the alter make your vows, and enter into a marriage to be treated like this. You deserve answers, if you don't do something now then this is going to continue for ever and you will both become even more distant with each other.
I feel that if he was legit, and nothing was going on he would want to be home with his wife, the woman he loves, at the very least he would offer to take you with him, and meet his new friends, but he chooses to remain elusive, and within a marriage this is a huge red flag.
You need to know if he is indeed frequenting this restaurant as he say's he is. You need to know where he is meeting these new people, and who are they and what are their intentions?.
I he remains elusive, and nothing changes, then i'm sorry to say it, for you health and well being i would want out of the marriage and seek legal advice, no one can live like that OP.
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