A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I would like your views on this, Aunties and Uncles.My current boyfriend has broken up with his girlfriend for a year now. They have had no contact for about six months now. They were together for three years.About three weeks ago, his ex started calling him again.. to chit chat, talk about why their relationship went sour, was it her fault, etc and calling to see what he's doing, etc. He'd tell me each time she'd call and I'd be cool with it. She would call about 2-3 times a week. Then she called to tell him that her grandmother was in the hospital and only had a few days left. When he told me about it, we both felt sad, I asked if he was close to her grandmother, he said he only met her a couple of times during the beginning of their relationship and hasn't really conversed with her due to language barrier. He said he hasn't seen the grandmother in a few years. Then today, she called again to tell him that her grandmother passed away just yesterday.I don't understand why she is calling to tell him. We both feel sympathy for her and it's never good news to hear of someone's passing. However, I don't get why she is suddenly calling so often and why she is telling him about this news. Thanks in advance for your insight!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy boyfriend and I talked about the situation. We decided to send her a card with some money inside (asian traditions give money at funeral services). She called him as soon as she received the card, he let it go to voicemail... she left a voicemail thanking him. He didn't call her back.A week later, she calls him again, and again he let it go to voicemail... She left a message seeming to want to chat, asking what he's been up to and how he is, etc. He hasn't returned her call. But we talked about it and I understand at some point, he will have to call her back. It would be bad manners not to call back and we do want to keep in touch with her.. just maybe not on a weekly basis...He said he did mention he was in a relationship with me when him and I first started dating. Then him and his ex went no contact for quite a few months, and we are not sure if she remembers he has a girlfriend or not. I did tell him that the next time he talks to her, he should consider mentioning me, just to kinda re-iterate that he does currently have a girlfriend.I'm not sure if I'm being too controlling or not. I do want his ex in our lives and to keep in touch.. but I guess weekly or a couple of times per week is a bit too much? When I think about it, it sounds bad... as if I'm saying, 'You can talk to her, but I'm going to limit how often you can talk to her.'Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2014): OP, it's not about the grandmother. I doubt she was expecting him to visit the grandmother. She was, however hoping he'd visit her to comfort her. Or at least rekindle the connection by leaning on him.
Why doesn't she know about you? That's just cruel and leading her on. No wonder she calls so much if she thinks he could be single.
I'm not sure what you hope to achieve by keeping in touch with her when she blatantly still has feelings for him. She wouldn't call this much if she wasn't. She doesn't call her other friends this much does she? Do you?
Up to you what you do obviously but I think it'd be kinder to not lead her on like this. She has to be told he's in a relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2014): It seems pretty obvious she wants him back. If he hasn't told her about you that is odd and it may be a sign he may want her back too. I suppose she could just want a friendship and to share life events with him but I think it's more likely the above.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice, 'female reader'!
I'm not sure what she wants... because he said she never asked for him to visit her grandmother while in the hospital and no mention of her wanting him to go to the funeral services. He said she just called to tell him and that was it.
We don't want to wean her off and DO want to keep contact. I'm perfectly fine with that. I just thought it was odd with this grandmother incident, as if she is trying to create a link or connection that was either long lost or wasn't even there in the first place.
I'm also not sure if she is aware that he has a girlfriend already. I know he said he did mention it to her back in August... but maybe she thinks he's single now as every time she's called him lately, he's either at the gym by himself or eating out with his buddy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2014): She is lonely and wants him back.
My advice to you and your boyfriend is to maintain your distance. Say your condolences and then wean her off him. It's really sad about her grandmother BUT she has family and actual friends to support her through this.
Personally, if I were your boyfriend I would just become unavailable. Not pick up or return calls. Only respond by text with something like 'Hi, sorry I missed your call the other day. Is there something you wanted?' After this happens she'll probably get the point and not be needy anymore.
Or you can be direct and just say sorry, I'm trying to move on and keeping in touch with you is dragging up the past in a way that doesn't really help me. I hope you understand.
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