A
female
age
51-59,
*oggins
writes: My boyfriend and i have been together for a year. His ex won't stop texting him. They had an on /off relationship for 2 years where she cheated on him a lot and eventually got pregnant by somebody else. They split up nearly 8 months before we met. She texts him all the time several times a week, she sends him things in the post. I recently looked through his phone (sad i know) and she tells him she misses him, said she can't believe he's in love with someone else, tells him she's crying, she calls him gorgeous and baby. He obviously tells her he loves me from her texts- the sent texts were all deleted, so i cant really see what he said to her. He tells me he loves me and I do believe him. However why is he still in contact with her when she obviously is still after him. I have tried talking to him about it a few months back but he got angry and said I paranoid and he wasn't going to stop being friends with her. I don't know how to approach the subject as I cant tell him i've been through his phone- he'll think im a control freak. Part of me wants to just walk away as I think of him getting texts from her then me, feeding his ego??
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female
reader, boo22 +, writes (28 July 2009):
 Your feelings should be his number one priority. They seem to be no 3 on the list after himself and her. I feel Grimm Reality gave the definitive answer here. Listen up girl! Good luck x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2009): well if he did not like the texts he would change his number/block her/ and let her know in no uncertain terms.but he likes the texts doesnt he.i think this will lead to disater. she will keep sending the texts, he will cross the line and you will be the last to know. he obviously still likes her.you can either hang around and wait for the inevitable, or you can make sure he knows its either her texts or you.personally id let him go. he will be the sorry one.just if you do, when he comes running dont take him back.
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A
female
reader, noggins +, writes (28 July 2009):
noggins is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks i guess i'll have it out with him. We are just so compatable in every other way apart from crazy ex. She's even had her hair cut exactly like mine.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 July 2009):
 I think the fact that he deletes his own replies is the bigger red flag. I don't think he is totally over her. Most people who have been cheated on DUMPS they partner and CUT contact.
I don't believe in telling a partner/spouse whom they can talk to and whom they can not, but I don think you can set limits as to HOW you talk to people of the opposite sex.
I'd let him go :(
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A
female
reader, anonimo0s  +, writes (28 July 2009):
:S....well girl...sorry that i am saying like this...but you should better walk away...just make a new start in your life..i know it is hard but i think it would be better for you...
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A
female
reader, princessjasmine +, writes (28 July 2009):
i agree with satindesire, this is a big red flag. You do not deserve this. And I know you're probably like, "well these people don't understand how much I love him and can't let him go," but I went through the same thing. My ex boyfriend was dating me for a year, and at the same time, talking to his ex as "just friends," until he randomly told me (6 months into the relationship) that he still had feelings for her but still cared about me. This took a toll on my mental and physical health and I thought, but I can't leave him b/c I love him. It was painful and depressing until I finally said, 'hes not worth it and there's plenty of fish in the sea.' The funny thing is, you always find someone better, you might not think its possible right now, but it IS possible. Hope and faith will get you through.
He's bullshitting with you, he obviously still cares about her to some extent or else he'd NEVER bother with the texts.
Tell him he needs to be dead honest with u about the situation or you leave him. If he tells you he still cares about her, then LEAVE, if he tells you that he cares about u, then you needa lay down the rules, don't just sit there, he's your man, tell him you will not allow texting or contacting her if you wanna b with me, stand up for yourself. Be strong! Don't give in to his manly charm.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2009): Firstly, I don't think it's sad that you went through his phone, we have all done it at some point or another.
And secondly, there could be a number of reasons why he won't stop talking to her. Maybe he has unresolved issues with her, because she was cheating on him and so it forced them to split up and so he just wants a bit of closure or it could just be because they were together that he doesn't see the point of ending a friendship when they were once close.
Some guys can be really fussy about these kind of things, I know, I have been through it myself. But if this really bothers you then you need to try talking to him again otherwise, I don't think you will ever feel okay about the situation. I understand that you said he got angry last time, but that could just be because he doesn't see it from your point of view.
Tell him your not meaning to start an arguement and you don't nescessarily need to mention that you went through his phone but you just want to understand why he is still talking to her and if that doesn't clear it up for you and you really are worried that you are losing him then maybe you need to think, if it's really worth it.
It's not nice to know that some other girl is making it obvious she likes your boyfriend and although he could just want to be friends but if she is constantly telling him she likes him, is he doing anything about it for her to still talk about?
I think the best thing you can do is have an honest conversation with him, make it clear that you just want to understand and you do believe him when he says he loves you, just remember, that it's not all about him. You, need to be happy and if this is not making you happy and can't ever see that it will then it is something you will need to think over.
Hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (28 July 2009):
 He is still in contact with her because 1) He hasn't gotten her out of his system. Even though she cheated on him, he holds on to some hope and keeps her on the back burner in case you two don't work out.2) He is spineless as many victims of cheating are. They want to believe that the cheating was a mistake. He wants to hold on to a shred of something from her, and she knows it. Even though cheating is a conscious decision, and not a mistake, she is trying to convince him that it was, and that they can be together.This game is as old as time itself, and I am afraid that as long as she is in contact with him, you can be rest assured she will keep tempting him. And by his defensive reaction and saying you were paranoid...dead giveaway.And eventually he will cave. Its only a matter of time. I can see this coming a mile away. I am not so sure he hasn't already been with her.I do not blame you one iota for going through his phone. Your gut told you something was wrong, and you have every right to know if you are being lied to or cheated on. I was a victim of a cheater myself, so I sympathise with you wholeheartedly.I suggest you simply tell him either the contact stops or you are gone. If he is dumb enough to go back to or even remain friendly with somebody who cheated on him and got knocked up, then he is about as useless as tits on a bull.Do you want a weak willed bull with girly tits as your mate?No. And I wouldn't either. Sorry if my response is overwhelming and crude to some extent, but I experienced many of the same things you currently are, and if someone would have been brutally honest with me instead of tip toeing around me trying not to upset me, it would have saved me years of heartache. Keep me posted, and anything I can do to help you, let me know.
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