A
female
age
41-50,
*enate_78
writes:My fiance ended it with me 6 months ago. After 4 months of messing with my emotions, I changed my number and we had no contact for 2 months.Then last week he emailed and left his number and asked to see me.I called and ended up going to see him. I went for closure and to find out why he ended it, we had sex all weekend instead. It was the first time we saw each other in 6 months.The reason he broke up with me was because I wasn't worth waiting 2 months for and he needed to get laid and instead of cheating on me again, he ended it. At least I got my answerHe called Friday about my cancer results and I told him yes I dignosed but I'm gonna be fine. I wished him the best and he got angry and hostile kept saying that "I should be there with him now, I should have left with him." That he shouldn't be ringing in the new year with someone new, it should be with me!"He said that I didn't mean it when I wished him well because I still love him. I do love him very much but I want him to be happy, so I let him go.He's led me on, called me everyname in the book. I've tired to be cordial and civil and keep my emotions in check. Yet he's so hostile? He doesn't want me but he doesn't want me to happy either.I haven't spoken to him since then and I've been a mess. Why is he so mad? This was his choice not mine. I told him I was moving to be with him. I didn't want to live in there but I was willing because it was important to him.Why do I allow him to keep hurting me?
View related questions:
broke up, fiance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): Look, I am really sorry that you are hurt and can't seem to let go, but let's look at the facts.
You have spent 8 years with this man and it took him 8 long years to propose. Not only that, but you say you planned your life around a man who had not made a real commitment to you, no ring or a wedding date. Sometimes men can do what is called a drive by wedding, where they give you the ring, but until the wedding date is set, you are still just kind of hanging out in limbo dating.
You had one real opportunity at year 3 to leave his cheating ass when he fathered another child. For the life of me, I don't know why you took him back then. I have a feeling he has cheated on you numerous times that you are not telling us about. Any man of character would not be engaged to one woman and have a so called girlfriend at the same time. He could pull this off because you weren't around.
I think you should be very lucky that he finally did this for you, he ended it in a very low class, hurtful way and some how you are believing his low character ways of putting the blame on you because if you had been there he wouldn't have cheated. Bull shit.
Seriously, this guy is a bad habit to you and you are clinging on to him as if you don't believe you are worthy of the real deal, healthy relationships do not feel like this and they do not follow this kind of a path.
If you feel stuck and can't get angry at him for what he is done, then please, for your sake, make an appointment with a therapist. You really need to figure out why you are settling for this kind of a relationship with this kind of a man. He could have even been responsible for lowering your self esteem and verbally abusing you, it seems like there is some sort of manipulation going on here, which can really mess a person up. Go get yourself some help so that you can heal and recognize these patterns in yourself so you do not repeat them.
Best wishes.
A
female
reader, Senate_78 +, writes (9 December 2009):
Senate_78 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. I knew going to see him was a bad idea. My parents said it was a bad idea. They saw the wreak that I was.
I'm so naive, I believed him, but then again I always do. I guess because I would never treat him that way, I didn't think he'd do that to me.
What makes it worse it that he has a girlfriend. He lied and said he didn't but he does. So I went from fiancee to other woman.
I gave him my heart, and I tried. Five years ago I forgave him for cheating and fathering a child, I tried to be the best woman I could be. It wasn't enough.
Last year I fell apart, I was angry, and lonely and bitter, and that's not who I am.
He was my life and I planned my life around him. Truth is I never wanted to move there, but I was willing because it was important to him. I have no friends or family there and it was forever.
With his job he can live anywhere and work, and he had a job with his father. I had a job I loved dearly and I wanted to keep it, so I put in a transfer which was going to take 60 days. I did tell him that I was able to be there at the end of June, it wasn't good enough.
I guess part of me held on because it was really a question of me moving and I was willing then why aren't I with him now?
...............................
A
female
reader, Senate_78 +, writes (9 December 2009):
Senate_78 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can't believe I fell for it again. I asked him why he asked to see me and he said "I wanted to see if you would."
He tells me things that he's done playing games with me, I'm playing any. I've been honest, civil and cordial and no matter how hurtful he is, I try and remain calm.
He hates that I'm trying to put my life together, its been a very trying year and I'm working hard to put it behind me. I've had a lot of emotional and medical setbacks.
I guess its just hard for me to accept that he'd treat me this way after everything we went through and that he threw away eight years because he wouldn't wait two months for me.
I didn't want to move there but I was willing to do it because it was important to him. We never discussed moving there for the rest of our lives, it was an easy decision for him as it's his home province.
I hate that even though I still love him, I do want him to be happy and have a great life. He won't say the same.
I took responsiblity for my part of our breakup, and although he no longer blames me entirely he still maintains that all of it could have been avoided if I just left with him.
I gave him my word that I would and he didn't give me that chance and knowing that his libido and that he felt that I wasn't worth waiting for hurts. I replaced in 30 days.
He thinks its ok to treat me this way because I allow him to do it and I went to him.
I guess part of me wishes we can work it out.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009): Hello im not really sure why you allow him to keep hurting you. You went to see him for closure. You wanted to know why he broke off with you. He told you he had needed sex and you hadnt been worth waiting 2 months for, so he dumped you to have sex with others. And after telling you this, you stayed the weekend ahd had sex with him. If thats how you reward bad treatment, can you expect any better?
You say he doesnt want you and he doesnt want you to be happy. Im not being funny love but do you honestly need a loser like that in your life? Im sorry to hear your cancer result came up positive but very glad to hear you will be fine. For pitys sake thank you lucky stars everythings going to be ok and move on from that joker. He was just emailing, sniffing around probably hoping for a booty call. He didnt even have the grace to go visit you and tell you that you hadnt been worth waiting for. You had to go to him! Its looking sad on your part. Delete his messages, block him, move forward, concentrate on getting well and then find yourself a good man. Trust me there are lots of wonderful men out there. You shouldnt be sad because you lost a sex addict. Be grateful he dumped you!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009): I am confused because he makes no sense at all or I am missing something here.
I think the line that says it all is that he wouldn't wait 2 months (for you to move from another place) and he needed to get laid so he broke your engagement.
That right there says he will make a disastrous partner, he can't be faithful or committed and that is what an engagement is for, to see how committed the couple can be and to prepare for their life together by making sure they set common goals and agree on important issues surrounding what marriage means to them.
He failed the test.
You need to stop having sex with him or having any contact at all, 2 months of no contact is not going to do it. You need to close this door and keep it closed, guys will worm their way back into your life if they see an opening to do so and you welcomed him back full on without the commitment that you expected before. You lost your power when you did that and now he is crapping all over you and crapping in his own nest.
Tell him it is OVER, be glad now you found out his true character instead of going through a messy divorce 3 kids later. You dodged a bullet my dear, he sounds nuts.
...............................
|
