A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My BF and I have been in a LDR for almost three years. We're moving together this year.I have always been very nice to all of his family members (he has a huge family compared to mine). I will get presents for every little neice and nephew and cousin etc. I will help with chores and cook for his family when I visit. They all love me and I love them.However, he has only given one present to my mom when he first met her. He's never given anything to the children in my family. This past Christmas my little cousin got him and I a matching gift. I brought it to him when I visited and only then did he say he will get my little cousin something but still ended up getting nothing. I had to stop by the gift shop at the airport on my way home to get her something on his behalf.I know he's gotten Christmas and birthday present for his ex's nephews and mom. I know he's taken them out to eat. But he never did those things for me. I've talked to him about it twice and he says he feels bad and he will make it up next time but never remembers. It's not about the money, rather the gesture and thoughtfulness.I know he is in love with me, I feel it. But why is he so attentive to his ex and not to me?
View related questions:
christmas, cousin, his ex, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 February 2016):
 I think this is something that you need to come to terms with. He is thankful that you care for his family, but he cannot be bothered returning the favor. I doubt he is doing it out of badness. I guess that he maybe saw his exs family more? Also he probably sees his friends family? I don't think he should be expected to buy gifts for your family. Everyone is different.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2016): I'm the OP here -He definitely notices the way I treat his family, not only in gifts during special occassions but also the way I intereact with them, help with chores and cooking etc. he has told me many times how much he loves and appreciates that because none of his exes ever was on this level with his family and this is what he is looking for in a wife. I'm not saying I want him to be a giver just like me. I'm saying there are certain special occassions where he really should make an effort. Especially this year, when my little cousin gave him a gift, it's sitting there on his desk so he sees it every day but he doesn't even think to get her something back? Yet he goes shopping for himself and his friend's kid? I think that is wrong. Somehow I tie it to, he cared about his ex a lot more because he did those things for her when she didn't even reciprocate, but he can't do the same for me when I'm supposedly doing everything right?
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 February 2016):
 I don't see how you can know for a fact he was more attentive to your ex's family than to yours. Just because you know of a few gifts and one outing, doesn't mean it was a steady thing. More likely he paid her family just the same amount of attention as he pays yours, but you imagine it to be different.
Never the less, you and him are obviously not compatible in this area. You are a giver, he is a taker. Givers get tired of giving and giving and giving without anything in return. You will start to resent him. In fact, I think you already do, as it shines between the lines in your post. What givers don't get is that giving is NOT a sign of love for everyone else. It's a sign of love to YOU, but that doesn't mean it's a sign of love to him! You need to grasp this, because if he's not also a giver, all your efforts and generosity is going by UNNOTICED and UNAPPRECIATED. So you might as well just stop before you drain yourself.
Look up the five languages of love. There's a lot of truth to that.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2016): I am the OP here -I meant that he was that way to his ex when they were dating, not now. He no longer is in contact with his ex.I have asked him this question two times. Once was after the Christmas holidays last year and once again after the Christmas holidays this year. Both times he apologizes for his unattentiveness and just sayshe will do better and try harder.He tells me how much he loves me, how important I am to him, how much he wants to be with me, etc etc. I also feel that he does want to be with me because there are times when work stresses me out and I'm not an easy person to get along with, he'll bear with it all and still tells me how much he loves me. It's just when it comes to thoughtfulness, he was towards his ex and is towards his friend's kids, but never to my family. What does that mean?
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (10 February 2016):
 Ask him straight out .... "John, I know I have mentioned this before, but it really upsets me when you are so attentive to your ex's family, her nephew and nieces and her mother, and yet never never think of my family. How come your ex, and her family, rate higher in your thought processes than me and mine"?
In your LDR who travels most frequently to visit the other? Are you always visiting him or does he come and visit you an equal amount of time? Are you sure this woman is an ex and that he isn't still involved with her in some way?
Are you moving to be with him, or he to you? I would be feeling very uncomfortable with the level of contact he still has with his ex, and would be reconsidering the relationship, at least until he remembers to be as thoughtful and generous towards you and yours, as he is with hers.
In other words, if he doesn't buck up his ideas tell him to shove it!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2016): Are you saying here that he still takes out her and her family members? Or he did when they were together?
...............................
|
