A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Recently, a female friend called my boyfriend about a personal issue. She was talking about a guy whom she slept with and did not want to pursue anything beyond FWB with her. They used to be colleagues, but by the time this call took place, they actually hadn't seen each other for quite awhile (a few months) because my boyfriend had quit his job by then. Prior to that, he occasionally hung out with her and their other colleagues in a group. He spent quite some time trying to explain to her this guy just wasn't interested beyond sexual relations with her. He also told me some back story about this guy and this friend of his and she knew he was not interested in a relationship but slept with him anyway. After the phone call, she asked how she was doing and asked him out for drinks. I am not sure if I'm being conservative, but I feel that such conversations should not be with an attached guy friend. Why is she talking to my boyfriend about her relationship/bedroom woes and then proceeding to ask him out for drinks (one on one)? I did not think it was very respectful of her to do that. Am I being too insecure?What is crossing the boundary between an attached guy and his female friend? Please enlighten me! Thank you :)
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (11 February 2016):
 This may be just as simple as opening his eyes and cluing him into thing to which he's been oblivious.
I'd err on the side of assuming he's a good guy who needs some guidance-- unless you have other causes for concern?
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 February 2016):
That's a very good point. When you talk to him about it again, ask him how the same scenario would play if the roles were reversed.
Now, as you are the one feeling insecure, that tells me that there's some imbalance in the relationship to begin with.
I think you're worried that she's overstepped boundaries but more so that this will have some effect on your boyfriend, and that it will lead to him cheating on you.
I'd let him do what he thinks he should do, after of course letting him know your boundaries. And then if he's a cheating type, well good riddance!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello all thank you for your responses! I appreciate the fact that he did not keep me in the dark regarding this conversation. He also did not go for drinks with her, but only after I told him I didn't feel comfortable with it. I think the part that got me insecure was her suddenly talking to him after not being in contact for a few months and asking him out for drinks. Sure, coffee or cafe with the old group is fine but her asking him out one on on out of the blue made me wonder why.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 February 2016):
 If you trust your boyfriend, then let him be a friend to her. I am sure he knows to keep his own boundaries. If you don't trust him, well then you need to ask yourself why?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2016): I think that since nothing is being hidden from you, this is probably not something to worry about. However, since you have some concerns about this girls feelings about your boyfriend, I would hope your boyfriend would not agree to have drinks with her, unless you are invited too. Just try not to jump to conclusions.
If all of his dealings with her are transparent, and you are in the loop, I think you could give him the benefit of the doubt. If he starts hanging with her behind your back, or starts flirting with her, or she starts to blatantly flirt with him, then time to call it quits on that friendship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2016): it sounds like she is not after him for sex. if she were a brand new person coming into his life, after you two got together, then her actions would be inappropriate and you would have reason to feel that he does not how to place giving her emotional supportbecause those are things that are reserved for you. however, she was already talking to him before, and she probably talk to him again after 3 months because he already knew her story and he knew the people involved. it makes sense that she would contact him and she probably has them on Facebook and still has his number in his phone. I would agree however that asking him out for drinks one on one or to Arby's for that matter, might not be a very smart move on her part but I do think she is more clueless rather than malicious. maybe when they were colleagues she saw him as a potential friend or as a friend and she wanted to go that route. It sounds like you don't have a problem with opposite gender friend. It sounds like it's the part where she asked him to drinks one on one that bothers you the most. since he told you about it, it sounds like he has no intention of taking it past that. She probably wanted a male perspective on if she was being used. If she continues to meet his emotional support, it would help if he would offer to bring you with him and then you can give her some perspective to. there are many many blogs out there from people who let you know the signs that you are being used for sex or if you are an attention w**** or things like that. is there a nice way to point out to her the Google can help with that
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (10 February 2016):
 If you ask me, yes its crossing a line. In fact, its crossing two lines, in this case.
One, your boyfriend isn't a close friend of hers and personal information especially about sex and bedroom problems shouldn't be shared with just about anyone. It's in very, very bad taste and shows a lack of class and values.
Second, asking him out for drinks one on one after this conversation, when she knows that he's attached, is certainly inappropriate.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 February 2016):
Oh and PS I did not discuss sex, sexual relations, anything bedroom related with this male friend. I needed help in understanding why the boyfriend seemed so distant and not doing the things I expected from a boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 February 2016):
Back in my 20s, I asked for a male friend's help in decoding the relationship woes I was experiencing with my then boyfriend. I didn't ask him out for drinks, just to be clear. I just needed someone who was male to explain things to me. He did, it helped and I did what I needed to do.
You can't control her actions and words. You also can't control your boyfriend's actions and words. All you can do is express what your boundaries and expectations are in a relationship.
He can't control her actions and words. He can only control his own reactions.
The fact he told you about the conversation and drinks offer is a good thing. The fact that you are feeling insecure isn't, of course. Where is that coming from? From his reaction to this female friend? From his lack of setting boundaries? Did he actually go on the drink thing?
Just because he's attached doesn't mean he's not allowed to offer advice when asked for it. Now, being attached generally means that he shouldn't accept offers for going out to get drinks, unless that's something you have both agreed on in the past.
Now, she sounds VERY clueless and perhaps she keeps blundering around like an airhead because she just doesn't know. It's not up to your boyfriend to school her.
Why are you so insecure, beyond this one thing?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 February 2016):
 I think talking "bed room woes" can be acceptable between friends (male/female/attached/not attached) I think it depends on how detailed the conversation was. I do think though she should have gone to a female friend instead.
However asking him out for drinks one-on-one right after she find out the guy she slept with isn't into her... can seem like crossing a line. Specially if they only went out as a group before, no one-on-one drinks. And since she hasn't really been in contact for a longer period. I wouldn't call someone a friend if I hadn't talked to them for 3 months.
I think your BF needs to be the one setting boundaries with her. Does she know about you? IF so, have you ever met her?
And what does your BF think? Does HE think it's appropriate to met her for drinks alone? He might not see it as a big deal, because 1. he isn't interested in her and 2. he has no intentions to do anything but talk.
So I'd just talk it over with the BF.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo she is not pregnant. Otherwise she would not have asked him out for drinks. He thinks there isn't anything wrong being her listening ear and he thinks he is being a bad friend if he doesn't do so. But I think being there for a friend is one thing, and hearing a female friend complain about her sex life, and then being asked out for drinks one on one is another issue altogether.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2016): I am all for male-female friendships,but one-on-one is making me a bit queasy.
Thing is-yu are his gf,an importat part of his life now so nothing stops you going down and having drinks with them-hell,who knows you might find a new friend :)
Ps: also...if she really wanted him would she really tell him what she up to in bed? I don't think so, as that makes her look both gullible and "slutty". I don't think that's how you present yourself to someone you potentially like sexually.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (10 February 2016):
 What does you boyfriend think about this? I think it is important to know how he wants to deal with this. You must talk to him. Is there anymore that can be achieved by his meeting her in person?
It just crossed my mind but she isn't pregnant is she?
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