A
female
age
41-50,
*odi121
writes:I've been spending a lot of time with this guy lately. We met through work and actually slept together the second time a bunch of friends all went out as a group so there was obviously a big attraction on both parts from the start. After we started talking and spent more time together I realized he is a great guy and regretted sleeping with him so soon so we had a talk about 'starting over'. I know we can't go back and change what happened but I wanted to take a different approach. We both agreed that we did not want a relationship and were going to just go with it and see what happened. In the past few weeks, we have hung out almost every day. He is always the one to initiate our plans, asking me to dinner or to coffee to chat. We have gone for walks, long drives, movies. It pretty much has felt like we are dating without putting a label on it. I have slept over at his place multiple times (spent four days in a row there at one point) and although we have not had sex again, we have cuddled, kissed, made out...pretty much everything but actual sex itself. And we have talked for hours and hours about everything you can think of. I feel like I have known him my whole life and have never had a connection with anyone like I do with him. We are so much alike it's scary and being with him just feels right. I've never become so close to anyone so quickly before. The kicker was that he asked me to move in with him (to his one bedroom place) a couple of nights ago. Which I was completely not expecting. And I KNOW *I* am starting to have feelings for him and hadn't even considered that. However, he is still insisting we are just 'really good friends' and he doesn't want a relationship. In our talks he told me about the first girl he loved who broke his heart when he was a teenager (he's in his late 20's now) and how he closed his emotions off since then and has never let himself love anyone or get close to anyone else (although he has had serious girlfriends, he has not loved them). I am pretty much the opposite. I put myself out there and express how I feel, even with the risk of getting hurt yet I haven't said anything about starting to have feelings for him yet. Since we made our arrangement to be 'friends' and said we didn't want a relationship it seems like it has become a bit ridiculous. It's like we are in one but just won't say it. He hasn't asked me again how I feel about us but the other day actually talked to one of my close friends and basically pressured her to tell him how I feel and to see if I had feelings for him. She told him she didn't know and to talk to me yet when I confronted him about it, he denied talking to her. After that he told me we shouldn't move in together and did a complete 180..yet, he said he wants us to go on a trip together soon.I am really confused because I feel that he is saying one thing and acting another way. I am thinking he is starting have feelings for me and is scared and is in self defense mode. I want to tell him how I feel but I am scared he'll run because he is so closed off to feeling anything and doesn't want to be hurt again. Can someone please help me make some sense of this. Why is he saying we are friends and acting another way and why go back on the moving in comment so quickly when I have not done or said anything to change things with us? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (5 June 2013):
 No emotions no feelings. I have had fwb sex partners marriage and lovers only. When dealing with relationships if a person keeps saying they dont want to be with you trust that they dont. It could change. I keep telling this guy that I want to be business partners and fwb he keep saying he wants my heart. Lmao I dont like him that way buy of course he likes me. Oh and he is a player also part time with older women. So I go play him as a friends only.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2013): Where's your confusion OP? Is this sentence not clear enough for you?
"However, he is still insisting we are just 'really good friends' and he doesn't want a relationship."
He doesn't want a relationship with you, you're just fuck buddies and he's not acting like you're dating he's being your FWB.
"It's like we are in one but just won't say it."
It's just FWB's OP, this is exactly how they work. You have put a label on it "just friends" do I really need to spell this all out for you?
Is this your first FWB OP or are you just finding it hard to accept that this guy has zero feelings for you and doesn't even see himself being a relationship with you? That's what the first sentence means by the way.
He's doing a 180 on you moving in because you're spoiling the FWB's with all your "stupid" emotions and expectations. You were cool to move in when you were a nice girl who gave sex on tap and didn't complicate it with your feelings.
OP are you really your stated age or are you just inexperienced in casual dating?
I mean you're completely ignoring this guy's dating history too. How is this not a huge red flag for you? "although he has had serious girlfriends, he has not loved them"
Seriously? He's in his late 20's and he's never loved any of his "serious" girlfriends? And you think you're somehow going to be different? No OP, a person's dating history is never to be ignored.
"I want to tell him how I feel but I am scared he'll run because he is so closed off to feeling anything and doesn't want to be hurt again."
Jesus OP, how can one person misread a situation so badly. This must be your first FWB, well let me educate you.
FWBs means friends with benefits, those benefits usually include the whole package of the boyfriend experience except you're not committed, anything goes and you can leave at any time and they do not work if there are any feelings involved. OP you have to keep the woman in charge of the pussy sweet or she'll just walk.
I don't understand how you're not getting this, he's even labled it for you, his history has shown this is how he does things and as soon as you start to get emotionally charged he pulls away because you're not just some easy pussy, you actually have needs you want met. He's starting to see that you want to date and you will make this complicated regardless of the fact that he's stated very, very clearly what this is and that it will never be anything more.
OP you have this all backwards, you seem to not understand what this is at all.
FWB's is not dating, he doesn't owe you anything and you really should consider walking because you're clearly not able to handle shutting your mouth, opening your legs and being a good girl who just plays along. Of course that is your right OP, if this is not what you want then move on. But this is all you'll ever get from this guy.
OP no matter how much time you spend together, no matter how well you think you click he's make himself very clear, think with your head here.
You're FWBs, you're not nor will you ever be anything more to him. I mean come on OP, what kind of insane person would ask a person they're only dating to move in with them? Really?
He asked because he does not plan on ever being more than friends and thought you'd be cool as a source of sex and companionship without asking for more. As soon as he sees that's not the case then of course he turns it around and decides it's a bad idea.
"when I have not done or said anything to change things with us?"
There is no "us". Just a casual arrangement you're not doing well coming to terms with.
OP what do you want? You're not dating and won't be, he doesn't want a relationship with you specifically, in fact he's so sure he doesn't want one he even invited you to move in as a friend.
The decision is yours OP but in your position I'd walk. I've done FWBs plenty of times, it's fun sometimes but you really don't want to be in one if you have feelings for a person. That's a torturous hell that is very hard to escape, like you have you become completely deluded and miss the completely obvious signs and even ignore factual statements like "just friends" in the hope if you can just fuck them once more and give them great head just one more time that'll be the one that makes them fall in love.
Read your question again OP, are you starting to see what this is?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (5 June 2013):
 I'm not as optimistic as the Chef.....
I think that this guy has learned how to play you... having YOU believe that YOU have control of the situation... whilest, clearly, you have NO control....
HE is dictating the direction that your "relationship" will take. He has exhibited Job-ian patience in having you believe that he's oh-so interested in you OUTSIDE of the s*x he KNOWS that will take place if/when you and he share the same address....
He's given you a CLEAR picture of his dating/relationship history and expectations ("...he is still insisting we are just 'really good friends' and he doesn't want a relationship ..." and, "...although he has had serious girlfriends, he has not loved them..."). WHAT makes you think that you are going to break that trend??????
The Chef IS correct that you need glasses. I suggest the ones that allow you to SEE "RIGHT THROUGH" A PERSON!!!!
Good luck.....
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