A
female
age
51-59,
*jjj
writes:i met a guy from lebanon on the internet 3 yrs ago. we met on an age gap dating site..hes 17 years younger than me on the internet 2 yrs ago. im 43 hes 26. hes catholic and unconventional and we had a passionate two year relationship talking every night on cam and on phone each day. we were inseparable. neither wanted kids and wanted this type of age gap relationship and we were getting married. all along i knew the culture and there would be problems, but he always told me he would face them and never let me go. we met a few times had a couple of holidays together and knew it was real. it was like we had known each other for years. when he told his family, they went nuts and told him he was crazy. i was old enough to be his mother, he was ruining his life and they wouldnt let him be with me. they said i wasnt suitable. he fought with them for 5mths, but in the end his mother gave him an ultimatum, she said its either her or me. he loves his mother very much as she sacrificed a lot for him when he was younger. it was too much for him to bear and they made him feel guilty with family tradition etc so he ended it 8 weeks before we were going to meet again and get engaged..he got scared and said he couldnt continue with me. a year on we are still friends. for 9 mths we talked every few days on skype for an hour or two..at first he didnt want to talk on cam then later he did. i have cried to him many times and asked him back. he has told me many many times how he still loves me and that im the best person he ever met and he knows how lucky he was to be with me and that he wont meet anyone like me again, but he cant be with me. the only relationship we can have is friendship. hes not happy, hes miserable in fact and sometimes he says that he is fed up of his fate, meaning that as an only child he has to look after his family. on the 10th month of our break up, i decided to go to lebanon, so i flew on my own from london and it took a lot of courage to go there. i met him half a dozen times and we went out for dinner. he told me he still loved me, fancied me and that he wasnt happy. he wanted another chance but wasnt sure cos of the issues around us and him. i met other guys while there and he was jealous. i left and came back to the uk hopeful that he would think about us, but after two days of texts, he stopped speaking to me. i was so angry that i decided to go there again in march, cos i couldnt handle being rejected like that and being from another country, it was hard cos i cant see him in the flesh. this time, when i went, we met but it was different. he told me to move on, he wanted an end to the masquerade and wanted me to be happy. he said he still cared about me so much and didnt want to lose me in his life and if i allowed him, he would always be my friend and be there for me, but i had to understand that any relationship was impossible. he hugged me many times and walked with his arms round me. he cried and told me he was unhappy and the reason he stopped talking to me was because it hurt him each time i asked him for another chance. i wrote him a letter and poured out my heart to him in it and i watched him read it. he looked at me and smiled and i could see in his eyes the love and sadness that was still there. he told me he still loved my eyes and my smile and the guilt he felt was overwhelming for hurting me. hes a coward and what he did was unforgiveable. he said i wont ignore you this time, i want us to be friends but i want u to move on please im begging you, i want you to be happy he said. since i came home 6 weeks ago, he rings me every week and we talk on the phone. he laughs about things with me and tells me about work and what hes doing. one night we both got upset and he said he is a fool for letting me go and he threw us away and he knows what he had with me, but i dont know what to do anymore. it hurts to be friends, but i miss him so much and the connection that we had and still have a year later is still there. i feel that his age sometimes hasnt helped cos he got scared and sometimes i dont want to move on, i still want him. im scared that when he meets someone else, how will i feel and i dont know if i cant stop being his friend cos i dont want to lose him in my life. why is he being friends with me..is it guilt or does he really still love me and want to be in my life. i need some advice cos it still hurts everyday.
View related questions:
engaged, jealous, move on, text, the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 May 2012):
 He is still friends with you because he is selfish and he either does not understand or does not care how badly this is hurting you. It works for him- he can't have you officially for himself, but he does not have to totally let you go. He can keep this " relationship " ( ?) at a level he is comfortable with. But you aren't, and unless you are a masochist, you know that eventually you 'll be much better off if you move on and stop wasting your time on this pipe dream.
Also because I doubt his good faith. Either he mercilessly played you- or he's a real dumbass even considering his young age.
I mean, come on , he knew his situation even before. He knew his country, his traditions, his society attitude to marriage. He knew his religion ( and if he's Lebanese Catholic I guess he's a Maronite and they always marry among themselves ). He knew that he was an only child of a bossy mother to whom he is anyway morally indebted.
In other words... he knew 99% it was never going to happen... yet he made you go through all the cruel drill regardless. And why not, then again. It must be fun to play " passionate lovers " safely sitting at your PC, as long as it does not cost you a cent in travel expenses and it does not require you change an iota in your habits and future plans.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 May 2012):
 Realistically what could this relationship come to? His parents will be alive for many years so he is not going to abandon them and move to London. He wants to be in touch with his parents more than once a week on a basis so it is foolish of him to develop a long distance relationship. You are established in London so it's unlikely that you would move to Lebanon to be with in laws who don't like you. It's not age that's bothering him. He is on the age gap dating site so it means his preference is older women. Maybe he didn't expect that your feelings would be so strong towards each other.
Why would a man want something so out of reach? The reason can only be that he is a commitment phobe. He is constructing paths that go nowhere so that relationships would be dreams and the hurt won't cut as deep because the real thing was never there. It's true that the only common thing you have here is the age gap thing you both like. The difference is that you want the real thing while he is dreaming. I guess he is surprised how real you made it. He is staying friends with you to avoid looking like a flake and an ass.
...............................
|
