A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I really need some help with this one. I have been with my lover for about 12 years now. We were both in relationships when we met and began our affair. Almost 2 years into our relationship I left my relationship. He is still in his (for the child). I recently told him that I had cheated on him several times since we've been together. At first he was intent on keeping me in our relationship, trying to make me feel more loved and less lonely. He finally told me that he had been planning all along to leave when his child reaches college age and there is no need for him to stay in the house. Recently, he has started getting more and more angry about it and talking about breaking it off with me. We did have an agreement that we would remain exclusive and I did break the agreement. I know this relationship isnt perfect but the idea of not being with him is killing me now that he's told me that he wants a future with me. Is it possible that he is so afraid of the commitment he just made to me that he is using this as an excuse? Or could he really be that hurt by my infidelity even though he is living with another woman?
View related questions:
affair, infidelity Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, sexi  +, writes (9 November 2007):
 Hi
I just want to share something with you. When i first met my bf we were both in relationships. I left my then current relationship to be with this other guy (the 1 i am with now we would call him S) S had a gf at that time who he never left. He kept telling me that he wants to be with me but he doesnt want to hurt V (His now exgf)We met in Sept and there was always an excuse until January. The good thing about my situation was that V stopped paying attention to him. In December she went for a holiday and S and i grew closer. In January i made up my mind that if he isnt going to leave V then i was going to leave him( but i didnt tell him this) I thought to myself if he cant leave her for the past 4 month then he aint going to leave her at all. In January was also his bday, which i spent with him. My parents gave me a really hard time with this guy b/c they never liked him and i used to cry alot. 2 days after his bday he told me (on his own free will)I cant do this to you anymore, i am going to leave V tonight and he did. During that 4 months he was like your bf, never wanted me to speak to my ex or for any guy to call me but at that time he was with V. He just never understood like your bf. Guys are just like that. It is really hard to understand them. You can either wait for your bf or you can take a stand now and tell him that you aint waiting any longer (you would risk losing him). i think that you should be allowed to go out with other prople until yourlls relationship is official and yourll belong only to each other.
Good Luck,mail me if you wanna talk
A
female
reader, sexi +, writes (9 November 2007):
Hi
I just want to share something with you. When i first met my bf we were both in relationships. I left my then current relationship to be with this other guy (the 1 i am with now we would call him S) S had a gf at that time who he never left. He kept telling me that he wants to be with me but he doesnt want to hurt V (His now exgf)We met in Sept and there was always an excuse until January. The good thing about my situation was that V stopped paying attention to him. In December she went for a holiday and S and i grew closer. In January i made up my mind that if he isnt going to leave V then i was going to leave him( but i didnt tell him this) I thought to myself if he cant leave her for the past 4 month then he aint going to leave her at all. In January was also his bday, which i spent with him. My parents gave me a really hard time with this guy b/c they never liked him and i used to cry alot. 2 days after his bday he told me (on his own free will)I cant do this to you anymore, i am going to leave V tonight and he did. During that 4 months he was like your bf, never wanted me to speak to my ex or for any guy to call me but at that time he was with V. He just never understood like your bf. Guys are just like that. It is really hard to understand them. You can either wait for your bf or you can take a stand now and tell him that you aint waiting any longer (you would risk losing him). i think that you should be allowed to go out with other prople until yourlls relationship is official and yourll belong only to each other.
Good Luck,mail me if you wanna talk
...............................
A
female
reader, sexi +, writes (9 November 2007):
Hi
I just want to share something with you. When i first met my bf we were both in relationships. I left my then current relationship to be with this other guy (the 1 i am with now we would call him S) S had a gf at that time who he never left. He kept telling me that he wants to be with me but he doesnt want to hurt V (His now exgf)We met in Sept and there was always an excuse until January. The good thing about my situation was that V stopped paying attention to him. In December she went for a holiday and S and i grew closer. In January i made up my mind that if he isnt going to leave V then i was going to leave him( but i didnt tell him this) I thought to myself if he cant leave her for the past 4 month then he aint going to leave her at all. In January was also his bday, which i spent with him. My parents gave me a really hard time with this guy b/c they never liked him and i used to cry alot. 2 days after his bday he told me (on his own free will)I cant do this to you anymore, i am going to leave V tonight and he did. During that 4 months he was like your bf, never wanted me to speak to my ex or for any guy to call me but at that time he was with V. He just never understood like your bf. Guys are just like that. It is really hard to understand them. You can either wait for your bf or you can take a stand now and tell him that you aint waiting any longer (you would risk losing him). i think that you should be allowed to go out with other prople until yourlls relationship is official and yourll belong only to each other.
Good Luck,mail me if you wanna talk
...............................
A
female
reader, sexi +, writes (9 November 2007):
Hi
I just want to share something with you. When i first met my bf we were both in relationships. I left my then current relationship to be with this other guy (the 1 i am with now we would call him S) S had a gf at that time who he never left. He kept telling me that he wants to be with me but he doesnt want to hurt V (His now exgf)We met in Sept and there was always an excuse until January. The good thing about my situation was that V stopped paying attention to him. In December she went for a holiday and S and i grew closer. In January i made up my mind that if he isnt going to leave V then i was going to leave him( but i didnt tell him this) I thought to myself if he cant leave her for the past 4 month then he aint going to leave her at all. In January was also his bday, which i spent with him. My parents gave me a really hard time with this guy b/c they never liked him and i used to cry alot. 2 days after his bday he told me (on his own free will)I cant do this to you anymore, i am going to leave V tonight and he did. During that 4 months he was like your bf, never wanted me to speak to my ex or for any guy to call me but at that time he was with V. He just never understood like your bf. Guys are just like that. It is really hard to understand them. You can either wait for your bf or you can take a stand now and tell him that you aint waiting any longer (you would risk losing him). i think that you should be allowed to go out with other prople until yourlls relationship is official and yourll belong only to each other.
Good Luck,mail me if you wanna talk
...............................
A
female
reader, sexi +, writes (9 November 2007):
Hi
I just want to share something with you. When i first met my bf we were both in relationships. I left my then current relationship to be with this other guy (the 1 i am with now we would call him S) S had a gf at that time who he never left. He kept telling me that he wants to be with me but he doesnt want to hurt V (His now exgf)We met in Sept and there was always an excuse until January. The good thing about my situation was that V stopped paying attention to him. In December she went for a holiday and S and i grew closer. In January i made up my mind that if he isnt going to leave V then i was going to leave him( but i didnt tell him this) I thought to myself if he cant leave her for the past 4 month then he aint going to leave her at all. In January was also his bday, which i spent with him. My parents gave me a really hard time with this guy b/c they never liked him and i used to cry alot. 2 days after his bday he told me (on his own free will)I cant do this to you anymore, i am going to leave V tonight and he did. During that 4 months he was like your bf, never wanted me to speak to my ex or for any guy to call me but at that time he was with V. He just never understood like your bf. Guys are just like that. It is really hard to understand them. You can either wait for your bf or you can take a stand now and tell him that you aint waiting any longer (you would risk losing him). i think that you should be allowed to go out with other prople until yourlls relationship is official and yourll belong only to each other.
Good Luck,mail me if you wanna talk
...............................
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (8 November 2007):
 Hi again,
I believe you have invested so much of your life into this man that it is blurring your ability to look at this objectively.
A woman I work with had an affair with a married man for 20 years , he dumped her last year. She now realises he was never going to leave his wife, but she also now realises that she is 44 years old, she will never have children and she is so bitter about the way he simply discarded her. But she doesnt realise that she was nothing more than a mistress. His wife always came first in the pecking order.
I truly hope this doesnt happen to you, but I fear it is.
Cant you see what type of man this makes him? He is using you and his wife for his own personal satisfaction , he gets his home comforts and a mistress on top of that. He's a lucky man alright.
There's still time for you, I hope you see that. Surely you believe you deserve to be with someone who will actually come home to your house not to his wife's.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, I have read & re-read all the responses here. I notice the pattern of 'it isnt cheating because he's married' answers & I know that (in my head). In my heart though, I cannot help but feel that I was wrong. At the very least, I should have told him that I was not going to be faithful to him until he was(officially)to me. I know that would have been the right thing to do. I really didnt intend to ever tell him about it, but it came up & I didnt want to lie about it. When he began asking the details I became defensive. I guess a part of me knows that he could (although he says hes not) be having sex with his wife (& possibly other women even, though not likely) & I would never know about it. I have been resentful & it has destroyed what we had. Does this mean there is no hope at all for this to work? He feels I am a liar & cannot cope with that. My defenses kick in & I then ask him what he thinks he does everyday he goes home to her? I guess what's good for the goose isnt really so great for the gander... Anyway, to sum it up... I want things to work out with him but I cant seem to make him understand this way of thinking... HELP!!!!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2007): It is neither of the things you mentioned. If this guy even slightly cared about you he would have never put you in this situation to begin with. This guy just simply likes being able to sleep with two different women. He gets to have sex with his wife. And for a little variety he gets to have sex with you. That is all it boils down to. If you really want to be so naive and think this guy puts any more thought to this affair than simply the thought of sex, you are in another universe.
You feel bad for "cheating"?? Don't be so naive hun. He doesn't care. He didn't care before you "cheated" and he doesn't care now. The only thing he cares about is that he gets to sleep with you. You are an object to him. You always have been. And you always will be. And he will keep stringing you along and will keep making false promises if that is what he feels he has to do or say in order to keep sleeping with you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the responses to my post. I still feel what I did was wrong & that I am horrible for cheating as I did. I truly love him but I get lonely & angry with him for thinking that is ok. I guess its my fault for saying I could handle it & that is part of the problem. I WANTED TO. I want to be with him & I felt just sticking around for all this time was enough to prove that. What have I done? I am not only loosing my lover but my best friend as well. I wish I could take it all back & make him understand that I DO love him dearly but needed to fill the void somehow. Mostly it was companionship but also sex, meaningless sex even though the sex with him is the best in my life. I've tried to explain that if he were with me I would have had no reason or desire to stray. Why would a person in love risk their whole relationship by doing something as horrible as that??
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2007): Hi,
Sorry you wont want to hear this but dump him he is using you as much as you are using him!!
You are his bit on the side he has the best of both worlds his sex with you and his cosy life with wife and kid and you bet your bottom dollar he will still be having sex with his wife trust me here i've been the other woman!!
He will never leave his wife kid or no kid he would have done it by now let's face it he could have still had a good relationship with you and his kid if he wanted that but this arrangement is suiting him and you are making it easy for him!!
Sorry to be blunt but he is taking you for a fool get out while you still have some dignity before he robs you of that too!!
The Other Woman!!
...............................
A
female
reader, sexi +, writes (8 November 2007):
Hi
I think that he is jealous due to you seeing other people. Which isnt correct as he has a wife which he has not left yet. Are you sure that things are going to go the way you want them to? You should speak to him and get his intentions. Last thing you want is for the time to come and for him to come up with another excuse.
Regards
...............................
A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (8 November 2007):
Hi,
Your lover has a nerve threatening to "break off" with you if you dont be faithful to him. Sorry ,but what a joke, he goes home to his wife every day and then has the gall to say that you shouldnt see anyone else.
I cant figure out your agreement to remain exclusive. The hide of this guy, this isnt an agreement its his way of trying to control you. How is he exclusive when he is still living with his wife? I'm sure he probably says they dont have sex anymore ( you have no way of knowing by the way whether this is the case) but he is married to her, lives with her, is part of her family, celebrates birthdays/anniveraries,family occasions etc etc - so what's the bit about being exclusive again?
Again you are not being unfaithful to him, how can you be , he is married! You are single. There is no infidelity, well there is but its not from you.
I like his excuse about waiting for his child to reach college age, I would bet my house that the age starts to creep up as his child grows older.
I dont mean to be blunt, but this guy is using and controlling you, you sure shook him up with your admittance about seeing other people ( that threatened his control over you ) but it looks like he is doing a fair job of keeping you in check.
I think you need to reasses your future, do you really want to be strung along like this for the next 10-20 years?
Surely you deserve better. Dump him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2007): You have hold onto this relationship for 10 years...WOW.. 10 years is a long time for you to realize that he does not and will not leave his wife and kid. It must be hard for you, but how comes you cheated on him so many times?!! He sees this as if you were not interested in a serious relationship, and he was just using you. At the same time, how could you be possibly be mutually exclusive when he was still living with his wife and kids; that is not exclusive at all. I am sorry about your situation, but my advice is to let him go and try to make your own life separate from him...start fresh Erase him from your life...
...............................
|
