A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:i have been with my bf for 3 years. we bought a house in 2014 and he had finalized his divorce in 2015. 6 months ago I caught him driving by his ex's house and confronted him and he denied it. then the other day it came up again and he said he did to see if she got her new roof? also, last weekend he appeared to be sneaking a text and then shut off his phone which he has never done. I looked later and it was his buddy saying a woman he met last year when away with his buddies said to say hello, he responded with a hello and shut off his phone. He said it was innocent but I asked if it was, why hide it and shut off the phone. he says so I wouldn't get upset or think it was more. why would he care whether his ex which he was divorced at the time, got a new roof? Also, why hide a text if it was so casual and innocent? Am I being naïve to believe him?
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female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (28 April 2016):
 Hi,
i completely agree with "YouWish's" comments.
The fact that he was still married whilst you guys began dating, is pretty much the main issue here.
He was not completely over his past, he hadn't had enough time to find his complete closure, nor was he really ready to open his heart, to re-loving properly and solely again, with somebody new.
He has a connection with his ex, whatever that connection may be.
He knew her prior to knowing you, he may have been with her for many years i suspect, so it all makes perfect sense.
The fact that he drove past her house, to check on her roof isn't the worst thing that could happen.
He may have genuinely and simply been curious.
So long as he and his ex wife didn't get together physically and in the sexual sense, i don't see the issue.
You have to accept that you began dating him whilst he was still married.
I wonder if you've been snooping on your bf too?!
You knew that he drove by his ex wifes house, so i'm gathering you were suspecting that he'd do that and you were hanging around, somewhere near her house, whereby you watched him drive by, or you had him followed by a private investigator.
It's got to be either one of those scenarios.
Your behaviour in itself, tells me loud and clear, that you don't trust your bf fully, because if you did, you wouldn't be doubting him, nor writing to DC for advice.
If he has children with his ex, then it makes perfect sense that he'd still be in contact with his ex or his children to/by her.
This is something that you will simply have to learn to live with and again, accept.
If you are having serious doubts about your bf or even your relationship with him, then you both need to sit down and talk, communicate and lay it all on the table.
If you expect your relationship to survive, you must TRUST and STOP with the snooping and questioning, because men "hate" being questioned, especially if they're not guilty of anything.
Remember, "innocent until proven guilty", so give your bf the benefit of the doubt.
Regarding the text, he may have simply said hi to this woman, but meant nothing more by it.
He would have closed his ph off to you, bec he knew you'd be upset, perhaps get jealous, which does appear to be the case anyway.
Whichever way you look at your case, you cannot do anything that will make your bf stop all that he wants to do.
He is a grown man, so regardless of how you feel, what you say, he will do it anyway.
This doesn't mean that all that he does is acceptable, nor ok, but he will do as he pleases, even if it's behind your back, in which case, if your relationship turns out to be so bad, that you can no longer tolerate his behaviour, then you know where the door is.
Either you walk away, or he does.
You have also been checking his personal msgs via his mobile ph.
You do know that you have NO RIGHT to do that!
You wouldn't like your bf snooping through your mob ph, or inbox, checking all your personal msgs and emails, would you?!
He has done nothing, as of yet, to give you any concrete reason that he's up to no good, with the exception of driving past his ex wifes house, to check on the roof.
That sounds legit enough, so let it rest for now, UNLESS, he gives you further reason to doubt his honesty and sincerity.
Remember that your bf CHOSE to be with you and if he didn't wish to be with you, he wouldn't be, so worry not abou that.
The bottom line is, YOU DO NOT TRUST YOUR BF, so why on earth are you even dating him, i ask?
Maybe you should ask yourself this very same question.
All the best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2016): There is going to be a bit of paranoia and distrust being in your position. It's natural to be suspicious; especially when two people haven't been divorced that long. You're basically competing with a woman who shared her life and all their possessions and assets. Possibly, she's the mother of his children. You're the new girlfriend; so your post isn't much unlike many others we've received.
You left out a lot of important details. Did you start seeing each other during his separation, or prior to that? Was it an amicable divorce, where he and his ex still get along? Does he have the reputation of a flirt or womanizer? When and how did you originally meet?
These are vital questions to determine if your suspicion is justified; or simply the typical distrust, insecurity, and jealousy being the new woman in the life of a recent divorcee.
Recent divorcee's, male or female, tend to get a little needy, very flaky, and may go out of their way with flirtations. Seeking attention after a failed marriage, wherever they can find it. New freedom can also be very intoxicating and bring out the worst in some people.
Meaning they become promiscuous, over-flirtatious, and trying to date or form romantic-connections with more than one person at a time.
They need ego boosts and validation after a period of dysfunction, detachment, and rejection. Sometimes they're undergoing a brutal separation, and go out on the rebound. There will be residual-feelings; no matter how nasty a divorce may have been. There will also be times they will miss each other; even if they absolutely loath the very sight of one and the other. It's like any other post-breakup situation. It takes time.
I wouldn't suggest that you not confront him; because he has drawn you into a situation that you simply can't walk away, due to your intertwined financial obligations.
Hiding things to avoid "upsetting you" translates into hiding things to avoid your confrontation, disagreement, and opinion. Not the proper route to take; if you wish to earn your new mate's trust. You deserve some reassurance, and you're not stupid. Too much interaction with an ex is going to cause trouble down the road; but you have to take into account how soon you came along into the situation to start with.
I would inform him that you are uncomfortable that he should hide things from you that may concern other women, or his ex-wife. It isn't fair, nor is it respectful of your feelings. Hiding it is protecting himself, not you. Be frank in telling him you expect his fullest commitment, loyalty, and transparency. Establish it now, that you will not accept interference from outside sources that work against your relationship. While you are in the process of establishing trust between the two of you. There is no relationship without mutual trust.
Keep communication free of angry confrontation. You can be frank without going into bitch-mode. You'll get the truth easier when you're tactful, than when you're being emotional and accusatory. You need facts to draw conclusions. Suspicion isn't enough.
You can certainly use your discernment and reason if you see evidence that is stacking up. Then you have to decide how you plan to deal with it. You may need a lawyer, and someone may have to buy the other out. You may have jumped the gun purchasing a house together, when you're not even certain you can trust him.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 April 2016):
 Did your relationship and his marriage overlap? Because if they did I can see why you would find it hard to trust him? I am aware a divorce can take some time to finalize so am hoping that he was single when you both got together.
To me it does sound weird that he would drive by his ex's house, although it could also just be a case that he is curious, although if he is lying about it then it is not a good sign, it will develop trust issues between you both. Again with the text why hide it? It is strange behavior but he could very well be innocent. Maybe he did not want questions so he choose to shut down the phone. The thing is if their is no trust then their is no point in the relationship because you will just be miserable and paranoid most of the time.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 April 2016):
 How long were you with him? If you've been with him for 3 years, that means you got together in 2013 while he was still married. You bought a house together while he was still married, and he finalized his divorce only after you two were together.
Am I correct in thinking that he was cheating on his then wife with you?? No wonder you're snooping through his phone. How could you possibly know whether or not he's driving by his ex's house? How did you know that, BTW? Were you tracking his phone or place a GPS tracker on his car?? That level of surveillance and accusation will cause even the most faithful of guys to become furtive with their partners.
What's your game here?? No, you can't trust any relationship which has its beginning with infidelity, but you went in with your eyes open and begun a relationship with a married man. You must either accept it, or leave him right now, because the excessive snooping and interrogation will destroy your relationship just as fast as cheating will. I notice your age, and I'm guessing that his previous marriage was over 20 years long?? If there are children involved, you need to accept that he has a history with her. You can't wipe that away. If you're worried that he's still seeing her behind your back, just end it. Don't waste time with the hypersurveillance, because you either trust him or you don't. If you don't, you have no relationship.
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A
female
reader, boo22  +, writes (27 April 2016):
 You don't believe him though do you?
This is the thing about your situation.
All you can do for now is monitor it.
If his furtive behaviour gets worse then let us know x
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