A
female
age
30-35,
followtheblackrabbit
writes:Can you ever forgive me? Will you ever believe me? I swear it, I love you. It was not you, it really is me-my fault. How could I ever tell you about it all? I love you because you remind about the best I have within myself. I can laugh with you. You sleep next to me and I feel safe, at peace. So how did it all start? If I loved you so much, if I was so happy, how could it have started? It began with "harmless." I said it over and in my mind. It began with "just friends" that became my mantra. He walked into work, sharply dressed and smelling of the most intoxicating cologne. We shook hands, introduced ourselves. No, it was not immediate. I felt the attraction but it was nothing. His dark, good looks had the same effect as a picture. He was handsome but I had you. Months passed.We worked together more. We found out that we liked the same shows, had similar childhoods-his grandmother also had no problem boxing his ears for bad behavior. He liked that same weird band I did and yes, let's go out after work and have the caramel cheesecake we both love. WE'RE JUST FRIENDS! I keep saying it at work as co-workers tease. He drops funny notes at my desk and I kick his chair as I pass by. Why do I feel so distant from you? Why is it that he seems to understand me more? You don't seem to hear me. I try to tell you how it feels but it doesn't click. You never had to struggle as I did. He struggled like I did, he gets it. He knows what it's like to be abandoned, rejected. It's him I text when I feel so low. While you sleep, we message back and forth late into the night."You'll be ok! You're tougher than you know, woman!!""Yeah whatever, I'm no Mike Tyson!""Thank god for that! That's not a face I enjoy seeing!""I'm buying a Tyson mask right now.""Liar! No costume stores are even open haha""Um Amazon?""I'm shooting that drone.""Pfft, I'll try and visit you in Federal jail.""Please do-for sure you'll be the prettiest thing there.""Judging against a bunch of guys? I feel so special lol""Ok fine, you're just beautiful. Period." "Aw. I'm getting sleepy. Good night.""Ok. Good night beautiful. Stay strong." I keep thinking about him. Why does he text and call me so much? You keep asking me but I'm getting defensive. He's just a friend, it's harmless! He walks through the park with me, we look out of place dressed in suits but it's cool out. I study his face and marvel at the dark stubble on his tanned face. The cologne he wears envelopes my head in a cloud. "Hey beautiful," he smiles, snapping me out of my thoughts. "I'm not," I mumble between a mouthful of Chinese food. "You can deny it all you want, but it's true."Sunset catches us at the park, how have we spent so much time talking?His hug good-bye lasts longer than a few seconds, I look up at him and smile, his lips are down on mine within a moment. I'm home. I can't kiss you hello. I rush into the bathroom. Turn on the shower. I stare into the mirror, looking for the tell-tale signs. What. Have. I. Done. My lips are swollen. He kissed me, I kissed him back. He held me tight against him, he said he had wanted to kiss me for the longest time. I step into the shower, trembling. Under the water, I drown into the names I call myself. I have to tell you. You climb into bed and hold me against you. Why do your arms feel so...different? You meet my eyes with yours. Your gaze is open, warm. His are mysterious, full of secrets...like mine. We talk about our plans, an upcoming trip. He texts me and I ignore it. I love YOU. I won't talk to him, I won't. That kiss meant nothing. If I tell you, it will only hurt you. At work the next day, I let him know we made a mistake. We can't talk anymore. We can't be friends. He nods. That's it.Time passes.It's harmless, he says. We've had a nasty day. Can't two friends have a drink? In the parking lot, we're laughing about the work day. I can still taste the sweet alcohol in my mouth. Suddenly, we're kissing. I can taste the spicy scotch he had and this is WRONG. We're in his car, daring to touch each other, to press closely. "I'm sorry," he says. "I just can't help it. I care so much about you." I want you to hate me. I NEED you to hate me. I pick fights. I don't talk. "What's wrong?" You keep asking. NOTHING! Nothing except that I'm a horrible person and I don't deserve you. Please, break up with me. Tell me you're tired of me. I can't do this. But, I don't want to hurt you. I can't have you thinking so badly of me. Despite him, I still love you. He and I, we're in the shadows together. You have always been my light. I start praying. I hope I can find an answer, but nothing comes. I try so hard to make you happy. I make your favorite dinners, I go running with you and I bring you gifts I know you'll like. You smile but I can sense something's wrong. You don't sleep closely to me anymore. "Do you still love me?" I need to know this. You tell me that you do but there's a mystery in your eyes. Is there someone else? Oh God. I can't be paranoid, why are you telling me I am?! No, you say, there is no one else. I'm crying. I don't believe you and it comes out, it all comes out. Can you ever forgive me? Will you ever believe that I love you? I never wanted you hurt. But I wear it now, the badge of the cheater. So many excuses...but nothing excuses me. If I loved you, truly loved you, there never could have been a "him." The ceiling feels close, too close. It will fall on me, crush me. I welcome it. Nights never feel safe anymore. You're still here, I can see your back. I miss how you used to face me so I could wake up and see how your eyelashes fluttered when you slept. I imagine a cage around you. You're trapped here by the love you feel for me. I should let you go. Let you find that one unbroken girl. She'd have enough confidence in you and in love to never turn to another man. I love you and selfishly, I cling on. I come home straight home after work, my life is open for you to see. It makes little difference. There are questions in your eyes. It's not me you see anymore. It's what I've done. You used to remind of the best in myself, now I see the worse. I can't stop thinking. If only. If ONLY. I rewind it all, relive it all, every memory tinged with guilt. Why? You asked, I couldn't answer. Dawn creeps in and you roll over. You haven't slept either. Your eyes are wide open and filled with water, a reflection of mine. I want to touch you and I can't. I'm afraid, so afraid. But I love you.
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