A
female
age
30-35,
*tephanie Davis
writes:I'm normally like this but he seems to have a go at me when I've been drinking. He hates it.Like even if it's behind closed doors and only to him, he would hate when I dance for him sexily and strip so to speak. I don't drink much and never get sick, black out etc. I enjoy being sexy for my man. He doesn't like me wearing sexy outfits in the bedroom, he prefers just a plain and simple bra and knickers and told me to take off my tiny heels when I wore them in the bedroom. Do you think that he degrades women who do these kind of things, or act in this way? If he sees that I enjoy it then shouldn't he just laugh it off instead of getting overly annoyed? I accept him for what he does.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 March 2016):
 No, I do not think he wanted you to give up drinking completely. I think he only wanted you to stop acting up , making a fool of yourself and embarassing him.
Naturally,though, if you are the kind of person who, unluckily, can't handle alcohol and will be out of control after the first drink,- then the most effective way to solve the problem would be to stop drinking altogether.
OR, to make sure only dating laid back, easy going guys who don't have a problem with extreme, attention-drawing behaviour.
OP, ... it was simply a case of round hole and square peg.Basically, you were not compatible.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2016): Sometimes we receive posts from women completely obsessed with trying to win a man back; or they are totally committed on a mission to seek his approval and validation, to the point of near insanity.
Nothing anyone says really comes through to you; if it has anything to do with moving on, or getting out of the repetitive cycle of disagreements or breakups and make-ups. Some will settle for anything just to keep the man. Well, it appears he doesn't like your drinking or your style of being sexy. So if you can't change that, take a walk.
What really makes absolutely no sense in this whole drawn-out drama is the fact he's an ex! You can't get it through your head that maybe he just doesn't want you back, and you just aren't the woman that he wants. No matter what you do. You certainly seem hellbent on getting his approval for behavior he has made abundantly clear he doesn't like from you. So you've gotten your sympathy, you've painted a picture of how awful he has been to you for trying to please him. Yet, no matter what anyone says; you insist on trying to please someone who doesn't want to be with you.
Now it's about time to suggest that you see your therapist; or get one, if you don't have one. You seem much to fixated on this man; and he isn't even your present boyfriend.
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female
reader, miss frank +, writes (20 March 2016):
Stephanie, what is it about this guy that keeps you seeking his approval to validate yourself? Is this your usual pattern in relationships? Do you keep blaming yourself and try and win their approval in order for you to feel ok?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (20 March 2016):
 It sounds like a really awful relationship that was based on mutual misunderstandings and failed expectations.
He wanted you to do X Y and Z. You wanted him to accept A B and C.
Nothing about this was going to end well.
What do you hope to get from asking the same question over and over again?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 March 2016):
 It sounds like you are wasting your time trying to become a mind reader.
YOU two are no longer together. Why waste time on trying to sort him out? There is literally NO point to it. who knows? (except him).
IF he had wanted you to not drink at all, don't you think... he might have told you that? If drinking was a deal- breaker wouldn't he have mentioned it ?
In a good healthy relationship the people TALK to each other, they share things in common, they work together or compromise - they don't try and DICTATE what the other one should do.
I know you are trying to figure out what YOU did "wrong" so it won't happen again, but the thing is each relationship is different and so is each partner. Maybe learn how to communicate better next time.
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female
reader, Stephanie Davis +, writes (19 March 2016):
Stephanie Davis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen he said he hates me drinking do you think he wanted me to actually give it up drinking completely? what does it sound like to you?
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 March 2016):
Well, OP, I must say that your ex might also have been an uptight prig with a " my way or the highway " attitude, but you aren't a model of mental flexibility yourself and not too great at seeing things from another perspective than yours....
You are having such a hard time accepting that people have their own deal breakers, and that just because you have different dealbreakers, that does not make theirs absurd or irrational.
I was reminded of you just a couple of days ago, watching a Sex and the City rerun :). The episode where Aidan, at the end of a long, wonderful date with Carrie,... finds out that she is a smoker and he says sorry, there won't be a second date, he won't date a smoker.
Carrie is not only disappointed, she is shocked :
how's that possible ?! The mutual attraction is off the charts, they share a lots of interests, they enjoy greatly each other's company, and he won't give her a chance , because of a few cigarettes ?...
She is also quite annoyed , she thinks : I am not even a chain smoker, I can stay hours without smoking, I carry breath mints in my purse, - I am an attractive, smart, cool,successful professional , I am a fantastic catch ( ... at least that's what the authors want to convey, if I were a man , a type like Carrie would make me RUN, lol ) ... and he won't date me because of my ONE bad habit !?... What's WRONG with this guy ?...
There's nothing wrong with Aidan , in fact the story plot makes him the ultimate nice guy and perfect boyfriend
( they DO get together eventually ).
Simply he is a person who knows well what he likes and what he dislikes.
Your ex had an adversion, not for drinkers, but for a certain type of loud, cheeky , feisty drinkers which you belong to. You seem to think this utterly absurd , and, from what I can see, a few Aunts feel like you. All I can say is, what I said already in a previous post. It's not that strange or unusual. There's really plenty of people who share your ex 's distaste, and , I'll repeat, ... even in Ireland, of all places !
I wanted to stress that for fairness, because , although yes, from what we know about your ex he must not have been Prince Charming and he sounds like a bit of a dickhead :)....I feel that he is being labelled too easily as " abusive ".
So, the man objects to being forcibly undressed in the back of a cab or slobbered all over in public or pestered to have sex in somebody's toilet ... and that is abusive ??
You know, I think instead that he must have really liked you a lot, or at least felt a lot of physical attraction for you, which prevented him from acting wisely like Aidan and saying " no way " from the start.... and then he will have TRIED to be OK with your ways and to be be a good sport , but at the end it was too much for him. You mentioned quite a few little episodes in your few posts, so it is reasonable to assume that you acting a bit OTT is your regular M.O. , and, you know, a drop of water can pierce a stone, in time. Drip...drip..drip...
I am saying this not to make you feel bad about yourself or to say that you have fucked up. You only have fucked up ( you both have fucked up )in your attempts to keep together two very different, incompatible personalities.
You do not have to change your drinking habits and the way you act when you drink , if that is not a problem for you. Although personally I am not very fond myself of noisy, overeffusive drinkers, I realize you are not breaking any law and you are not causing any damage to people and things. So, if this is your way of having fun, have fun . But please do not try to shove your type of " fun " down the throat of your boyfriends , and/or expect that everybody should be cool and thrilled about it, because this is as "controlling " as demanding you to tune it down.
Next time, just choose better . You need the type of guy who is PROUD to tell his friends " My new gf is such a gas, yesterday we were at the restaurant and she just jumped on top of the table in the middle of dinner and started impersonating Lady Gaga ! " . As I told you in a previous post, there ARE men that would find you amusing , and hot too. But it's not that these are " right " and the conservative, more reserved guys are wrong . It's just that often birds of a feather NEED to flock together for having a successful r/ship.
As for your ex being a" conservative " with naughty fantasies... that's another thing that you seem not to grasp, OP. That people can be " conservative ", say, a mild mannered corporate executive type in suit and tie, and absolutely a wild beast in the bedroom. PRECISELY because for most people these are two separate areas of life that do not overlap , and they do not want them to overlap. The bedroom is the designated area for freedom , transgression and experimentation. But of course they do not want and do not NEED to bring that kind of freedom and transgression in all their social situations .
TBH, I found your reasoning a bit amusing :
if someone is reserved , does not like PDA, is not much of a partyer, acts " conservative ".... then , vanilla lover, missionary only, no fantasies, no treesomes for him.
Instead, tattoed rocker type, drinks like a fish, grinds like crazy in clubs , foul mouthed = then behind closed doors he will be an adventurous , shameless stud with an enormous appetite for " dirty " sex.
Eh I wish it was so easy ! We would never have any surprises then :). We all would know how to avoid ( or to pursue ), according to personal tastes, bank managers and school principals, and go after Hell' s Angels and male strippers. Or viceversa.
Instead, what you see is not necessarily what you get , once it gets to sexual intimacy. And your typical Clark Kent may have very Lex Lutorish things in mind....
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female
reader, Stephanie Davis +, writes (15 March 2016):
Stephanie Davis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you miss frank,
From reading my posts would you have said that I was in a controlling relationship or is that how a partner should be like? He got angry when I wore a revealing dress and didn't like me drinking which is maybe understandable or not, I'm not sure.
I mean everyone acts a bit different with drink in them but I don't believe I was that bad, I guess he could have just laughed it off or taken the time to explain to be nicely why he didn't like it.
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female
reader, miss frank +, writes (15 March 2016):
Hi Stephanie. I have read all your posts. I am concerned with how you view yourself more than anything to do with this man....You seem to be a 'pleaser'. You are doing things thinking it will please your partner, but not in a healthy way... In a consuming way, which occupies your thoughts unhealthily and affects your well being.You seem to measure yourself against a partners reaction, weather it pleases him- his approval means you are a good girl, his rejection makes you feel you are no good.You also seem to particularly user the measure of sex. Thus is concerning. I am concerned that you attempt time and time again to offer yourself sexually to a partner, knowing you will be made to feel humiliated and rejected.... Because Stephanie that is what is happening. And yet he will suggest you performing sexual acts with your best friend and engage in taking videos of you to send to her? This man is controlling and abusive, and you are on a rollercoaster that I'd getting more and more out of control.Please don't get back with him. Instead, read around abusive and controlling relationships...i think you will identify with it.It's not you. You didn't fuck up. You are in a cycle of abuse and the longer you are entangled the more of yourself will slip away.You don't have to pretend to be someone you aren't- who you are is just fine. You need to work on believing that
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 March 2016):
 What exactly is it that you feel you have done wrong? It is obvious from all your posts, your ex did not like you when you had a drink. That doesn't mean you done anything wrong. It was him that did not like you drinking. Therefore you both should have spoke about this issue, either you could give up drinking alcohol if you wanted or else he could find a girlfriend who does not drink. It sounds like he was abusive to you, we must not forget that, so sweetie please stop blaming yourself for everything that has happened. Really you should be glad he is out of your life. You need to move forward now.
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female
reader, Stephanie Davis +, writes (14 March 2016):
Stephanie Davis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, I perform these strip shows sometimes sober as well, I would say I was myself but obviously what wasn't me was how often I would do them or act sexily however like i said my character is quite cheeky anyway but to the person I'm with. The thing is that before I had even began dancing sexy for him he would already be annoyed because I was having a drink as if he always anticipated what was going to happen.I felt like because a lot for him in general that he should of just been a bit more lenient of it but yes I understand I did wrong and that what hurts the most. If we would of communicated like mature adults then maybe it could of worked or even compromised but it's strange that I never even thought of this.
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (14 March 2016):
It seems you want to do things to please him, where you able to perform these strip shows while not having a drink? I think it is possible that he just did not like to see you drink alcohol because it changed you. It probably gave you more confidence to do these things, but he probably couldn't be himself around you because he was aware that you where under the influence of alcohol.
Dating is trial and error at times. We all make mistakes. He made mistakes. You made mistakes. You cannot fix the past, you just need to move forward now. You are putting blame on yourself but he is also to blame for this relationship failing. You both should never have been together as you where just not compatible. Its time to put this relationship in a locked box and throw away the key. Go out and enjoy yourself and meet someone who likes you for who you are and not someone you pretend to be.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2016): Maybe he is one of those conservative souls with strict upbringing who thinks sex is sinful and should only be indulged in for procreation. There are guys who get scared if their woman show too much interest in sex.
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female
reader, Stephanie Davis +, writes (14 March 2016):
Stephanie Davis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah thanks you just reconfirmedThat I fucked up!
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 March 2016):
When you are with a guy don't be a "character" BE you.
Maybe that is part of the problem? That you try and play a role instead of being you? And you then end up coming across as either having multiple personality disorder or just... being fake.
I see nothing wrong in fun the in bed room, whether it's the man or the woman strip teasing, BUT if someone needs to be DRUNK to do it, or only does it when drunk - then it's kinda obvious that it's not something they are really comfortable with.
I see nothing wrong with having a drink every now and then either, but there ARE people who (for whatever reason) are not liking themselves OR their partner to drink. Maybe because of past experience or drama. However, if one person don't have a problem and the other do... then either they aren't ALL that well suited or they BOTH need to learn how to compromise and a relationship isn't a dictatorship where ONE of the two set all the rules.
You don't "keep" a partner by acting in a way you "think" he wants you to act. You "keep" a partner by finding someone with whom you are a good FIT. Someone who LOVES you for you, not for some ideal or character.
Your ex wasn't a good fit and you were a little clueless as to HOW to build a good and healthy relationship. And no clue in how to JUST be yourself around a partner. YOURSELF is GOOD enough for anyone without having to pretend. Save the roleplaying for when THAT is agreed upon, for fun.
I had a friend who was a "chameleon dater". She would meet a guy and then change to suit him. Like what he liked, dress how he liked, do her hair, the way she talked and walked.. it was.. fascinating in a way for us friends to watch, but her relationships didn't last, and she couldn't figure out why. I think it was pretty simple, she TRIED to hard to be someone she wasn't. And the guy realized that the girl he has first met and fell for was no where in sight. Just some "replica".
Think about it. If you FEEL some of your OWN actions were wrong then LEARN from it. And do better next time.
And maybe next time DATE a guy who can actually COMMUNICATE not just dictate. IF he NEVER told you WHY he didn't like you drinking or dirty dancing or whatnot - then telling you was kind of pointless.
And BE yourself. A person can be sexy in a very subtle way, it doesn't have to be in your face.
And don't be so desperate to "keep" a man that you do things you are not really into or find appealing.
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female
reader, Stephanie Davis +, writes (14 March 2016):
Stephanie Davis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you ladies for the comments, your all great!Tisha, JanniePeg, Owl and CindyCareThis is my ex, I am not here to play the victim but I feel like there were certain things that i shouldn't of done in that relationship. Lack of maturity, understanding and communication and it's so evident now that I've reflected back. My insecurity made me feel like I had to constantly be sexy inorder for him to never stray! How stupid am I in thinking like this?!?! I did so much for him.He never gave me a reason to think he would stray. It's obviously backfired. Why is dating trial and error? I hate feeling like this, like I could of done better and that I ruined it for myself! Have any of you been in this situation before?I mean if he was very conservative then I wonder why he said to be whilst in the relationship that he would like me and my best friend to make out and do things while he watches? (threesome basically but he said he wouldn't get involved or he would just have sex with me after) I admit that I used to encourage it as well and send strip videos to my best friend and he used to film it. I asked him once what type of girl does he go for and he said "a girl with a bit of grrr, fiery" as if to dismiss the conservative type.Lol I can be all types of characters, demure, sexy, fiery and so on.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (14 March 2016):
If this is the ex.... let it go. Move on. Asking yourself all the time if he was right or wrong doing X or Y won't bring him back , and won't make him like you more than he does now.
If you are together again... I am afraid it won't last long. He does not " get " you, and you do not get him.
Based on what you told us already, it's pretty obvious, I'd say, why he is not too impressed by your sexy stripteases .
because he does not like how you become after a few glasses, and because he does not like to make love to semi-drunk women.
What does it mean, that you don't throw up and you don't black out ?? Obviously, if you were throwing up or passed out, sexy stripteases would be the last thing in your mind.
But , you offer sexy stripteases when you are semi-drunk, or tipsy, or euphoric, or whatever you want to call it, and he hates that. He does not find it sexy, only silly , annoying and OTT.
Now, we can go on till Doomsday saying that he should be less uptight, he should loosen up, he should appreciate your acting seductive.... ( Actually, I am not totally convinced that he SHOULD; the guy has the right to like his sex partners sober. It's a legitimate sexual preference ). But the fact is, he does not appreciate, that's not what floats his boat. So why insisting . Either you change behaviour, or you change boyfriend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2016): Does it make sense to you that your man doesn't want you to be sexy for him?
Perhaps if you're under the influence of alcohol, your behavior may not be quite as appealing. To some degree that can be understood. We tend to drop our defenses and turn off our filters when we're tipsy. It may be the tipsy behavior he feels is out of character; if it is too much of a drastic transformation from whom you are normally.
Your description is of a man who is too conservative and somewhat too controlling over your behavior and how you dress.
How is a relationship good or healthy, if nothing you do is ever right? Sounds like you've got a major decision to make about rather it should continue. Unless you're willing to follow all his rules. Doesn't seem like a lot of love going on to me.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 March 2016):
 You are him and mismatched. Likely having a love hate relationship. You fully know what he dislikes. Rather than asking him why he can't enjoy a private strip show from his girlfriend, you kept on doing it, expecting a different result. Maybe he's conflicted because while it's nice to see sexy women perform, it's not nice when it's his woman. Maybe you got back together because he can't really figure out what his annoyance is about. In other words, any woman who's outside of family is subjected to be degraded. So he has trouble understanding why you want to lower yourself to please him. Maybe he expects to be in the role of putting you on a pedestal. When you are drinking you are just human, and that loses the magic in his eyes. His image of wife material is a woman who is demure, pure, always waiting and not taking initiative, only allows sex when the man deserves it and thinks of England when having sex. But all other women can be as slutty as they want for his own private, dirty entertainment.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 March 2016):
You and he were not compatible. He obviously has his set of expectations of how a girlfriend is supposed to comport herself and act around him and others and and you obviously have your set of expectations of how a boyfriend is supposed to comport himself and act around her and others.
His expectations and your expectations do not mesh up.
There’s a book I recommend from time to time: “A Fine Romance” by Judith Sills PhD. Read it then come back with a followup here.
Unless this guy isn’t really your ex? What’s going on?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 March 2016):
Is this the ex again, Stephanie?
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