A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I live in an area where no one wishes any good luck or fortune on their neighbours. My family in particular is not liked because there is quiet a few of us and we all have our own vehicles and a thriving family business due to the fact that we work hard for it. We don't drink too often only on special occasions weddings, winning sports games etc and we save our money to help pay for nice cars, rent etc. but we work night and day for our business to succeed. not gloating or anything.Recently i found out that some girls that i went to school with and am friends with are have big birthday bashes and I didnt even get an invite in facebook. I never fought with them and we get along and we can chat when we bump into eachother which is grand. i'm an independent person and thats who I am am but I dont understand why they couldnt even send an invite. If i did something wrong then I could say something buy i didn't! I also wondering should i have a birthday bash this year. I couldnt have one last year because i had a dying relation and it was inappropriate but now i have the time and chance. should i?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (25 June 2012):
 it is time for you to build friendships before you even think of your own birthday bash
Maybe you have been working so hard that you have not had time to build relationships.
It is not bad as such that you are, as you say, "I'm an independent person and thats who I am". Often very independant people achieve great things and are very capable. But they may appear to not need other people. And saying "that's who I am," sounds a little uncompromsing. It is a declaration that sounds a little like, "take it or leave it, I'm not changing and I'm not compromising".
This may not be the Impression you are trying to create, And certainly may not be what you mean.
But people size you up in the first few minutes after they meet you. From then on it is an uphill battle to try to get them to change their minds.
And if you create and impression that you are uncompromising or judgemental then you are going to have a very difficult time trying to make friends with others.
And if you are also critical of the way others live you will also alienate others.
Do you think the neighbors do not work as hard as your family?
Do you think the neighbors drink more often than your family?
Attitudes about your neighbors will sow seeds of doubt in the minds of the people you know in the neighborhood. And may threaten your opportunities to establish positive relationships with the girls you went to school with.
I think it is premature to consider a birthday bash.
One by one I think you need to start building some relationships with your peers, IF you like them. Only choose the ones you really truly like.
Make sure you can commit the time to building some friendships. Everyone NEEDS some loyal kind caring friends.
Invite one of the girls to share a coffee with you. Make it casual. Call her up on the phone. Listen to her during the coffee break. let her tell you about her life, her successes. Try not to boast about you and your families achievements as that may one thing that irritates others.
If the coffee break goes well then repeat the exercise with one or two of the other girls.
Do not gossip about what one girl has told you to any of the other girls.
When you have done this a few times then suggest a lunch outing with more than one of the girls - perhaps three or four of them. Not just two other girls.
Little by little you will learn more about their lives and they will learn to trust you. And little by little they should start to invite you to their family events. And little by little you will learn to trust them and discover many good things about you.
Do not forget their birthdays. Send them a card when it is their birthday. Remember their partner's names and if they have children then their children's names. And if you need to start up a little cheat book that you keep in a safe place at home then start it so that you can confidently recall so many things that are important to them. Because their Lives and their Hopes and their Feelings and their Families are truly REALLY REALLY important to them.
If you are not prepared to care about them and what is important to them then they will not be able to find the time to do the same for you.
Not sure how far away your birthday is. If it is soon then you might do better to go on a DaySpa and indulge yourself to the Max. Enjoy being pampered and enjoy the lovely beauty treatments they can provide.
But next year - if you have been able to develop some friendships and have rebuilt the trust with a good loyal group of friends then YES do have a very low key (NOT ostentatious) small birthday celebration with just you and your friends.
A family birthday celebration can occur as a strictly family event.
Anything that looks like it is far better than your neighbors and your school friends could afford would derail all your efforts to become a friend they want to share time with.
This will take time.
You cannot force people to be your friend.
And you can NEVER buy friendship - it does not work.
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