A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am 22 and pretty good looking, I get told quite often I could get most girls (by both guys and girls). To begin with it was a nice ego boost to think people believed that about me. But now it just depresses me as in actual fact I never done anything more than kiss one girl. It really bugs me that I have never been with a girl but I don't seem to have a drive and have the mind set "It will never happen for me, I should just accept that"This resignation is an issue because I crave to be close to someone, see what it is like. But I also have this voice saying "It is not for you, just accept it wont happen for you". How can I change this and why am I even thinking like this at all... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (27 May 2013):
 PS this additional advice was given to me when I discussed this with my guy. So I thought I'd add this:
Good looks will neversubstitute for warmth and an engaging personality. At 22 you have your whole life to meet someone. But based on my comments you may be coming across as desperate and that will stop you in your tracks.
Relax. Desperation is a complete turn off.
Relax, smile, engage in conversation.
Learn some ways to flirt.
Listen to the girl. Be interested in what she is saying.
Place emphasis on smelling good, clean hair. Contemporary clean neat clothing.
Place yourself in a position where you can see most of the girls in the room.
Position yourself so girls have to go past you to get to the bar and smile with eye contact, when they go past you.
Be well mannered. Smile as a girl goes by. If she smiles back you have a chance.
If she doesn't smile back then forget her.
On the way back when she passes you again smile back at the ones who smiled at your earlier.
Later zero in on a girl who gave you a second smile back.
Observe her, her shoes, what she's wearing, how does interact with her friends, how she is on the dance floor.
Get to know about her by observing these clues obout her personality. You will know if you are still interested by the time you've observed her - then check out who she is with.
Girls in groups from two or more friends can be more difficult to approach.
A girl with just one girlfriend is the hardest to interest.
You can try sauntering confidently over to the one you are most interested in
And make eye contact. Say hello to her.
You will know within 3 to 5 minutes if you have a chance. Ask her an innocuous question. Look at her as she answers.
If you get the impression she is not interested after 5 minutes then just say, 'thank you, it was nice talking to you' and leave.
If you were wrong (thinking she was not interested) then later she may approach you. But don't sit around waiting for that.
Start observing another girl first. If the first girl later approaches you then restart flirting with her.
Good manners will interest a girl more than bad manners.
Here ends the lessons from my guy who is an almost:) reformed flirt.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (27 May 2013):
PS this additional advice was given to me when I discussed this with my guy. So I thought I'd add this:
Good looks will neversubstitute for warmth and an engaging personality. At 22 you have your whole life to meet someone. But based on my comments you may be coming across as desperate and that will stop you in your tracks.
Relax. Desperation is a complete turn off.
Relax, smile, engage in conversation.
Learn some ways to flirt.
Listen to the girl. Be interested in what she is saying.
Place emphasis on smelling good, clean hair. Contemporary clean neat clothing.
Place yourself in a position where you can see most of the girls in the room.
Position yourself so girls have to go past you to get to the bar and smile with eye contact, when they go past you.
Be well mannered. Smile as a girl goes by. If she smiles back you have a chance.
If she doesn't smile back then forget her.
On the way back when she passes you again smile back at the ones who smiled at your earlier.
Later zero in on a girl who gave you a second smile back.
Observe her, her shoes, what she's wearing, how does interact with her friends, how she is on the dance floor.
Get to know about her by observing these clues obout her personality. You will know if you are still interested by the time you've observed her - then check out who she is with.
Girls in groups from two or more friends can be more difficult to approach.
A girl with just one girlfriend is the hardest to interest.
You can try sauntering confidently over to the one you are most interested in
And make eye contact. Say hello to her.
You will know within 3 to 5 minutes if you have a chance. Ask her an innocuous question. Look at her as she answers.
If you get the impression she is not interested after 5 minutes then just say, 'thank you, it was nice talking to you' and leave.
If you were wrong (thinking she was not interested) then later she may approach you. But don't sit around waiting for that.
Start observing another girl first. If the first girl later approaches you then restart flirting with her.
Good manners will interest a girl more than bad manners.
Here ends the lessons from my guy who is an almost:) reformed flirt.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (27 May 2013):
you sound defeated and that's not ok.
Time to start To like and love you first. Wow Good looking is a major plus.
There are plenty of guys with all manner of flaws who do get girls.
So it sounds like you lack confidence in you. And you may be giving off the vibe that you appear depressed.
Sure you can forget about girls for a while.
But do spread your wings. Try some overseas travel.
Experience new places.
Do some volunteering.
Though right now you may be mixing with the wrong girls.
Or your methods to attract girls might be clumsy.
Do maintain some eye contact and Smile and give a girl an honest compliment when you are interested.
Go in with the mindset that you will succeed. Not that you might fail.
If you were 65 I might accept that things were bleak.
But at 22 you just have not yet met the right girl.
She is out there waiting to meet you. but she may be further afield than your own local community.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (26 May 2013):
 You're much too young to be resigned to the idea that you will never find anyone. Clearly you need some guidance, but that is probably all it is. I hired a life coach to give me some guidance on how to handle women. She gave me some dos and don'ts, took me shopping, gives me advice on where to take girls out on dates ect. Maybe you could find someone like that. Or a female friend who you can trust.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2013): Ever heard of self-fulfilling prophecy? If you continue telling yourself it won't happen, you will subconsciously sabotage every opportunity by trying to predict the outcome.Your time will come. There is always a person out there specially designed for each of us. They may not be the one and only, but they may the first to show us what it feels like to be close to someone and feel affection for them.Don't rely on looks as the key trait you have to attract a female. Your confidence and personality will project beyond your outer appearance. Relax when you are in the presence of someone you feel attracted to. Be friendly and allow yourself to be approachable. Body language and facial expression is the first thing people notice about us.If you are rigid and tense, and you'll show panic on your face. Girls will go the opposite direction. If you smile and glance away. Quickly look back, you'll notice they are still gazing at you. That is an opportunity to say hello.Practice just a little flirting. No cheesy pickup lines or crummy come on's. Just say hi, and compliment her hair or her smile. Then just smile and wait for her to say thank you. Then that is an opening to start a little small talk.Just practice this over and over; until you are comfortable or a girl tries to hold your attention. If a girl flirts with you first, give her a big smile and maintain eye contact. This will give her an opening to feel free to walk over and talk to you.Good luck good-looking!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 May 2013):
 Fancying the look of only a few people isn't having high standards.. I guess your inexperience excuse you from making this mistake. You're picky, that's what you are. Having high standards usually tends to address other areas, not the physical aspect so much. After all, a person can not change how they look. But a person can prove to be worth your while by their actions, accomplishments, skills, passions etc. What they do with their lives is far more important than what they look like.
High standards would be more about personal hygiene rather than physical looks that God gave you and no man can change (unless you go for plastic surgery, but that says something about your values, doesn't it?).
Being picky means that you're a child who doesn't want to try something new because you think you might not like it.
Once you get to know a person, haven't you noticed that you no longer see their appearance the same way as you did first time you met them? Don't you know that appearances can be deceiving? Don't you know that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder? It is all true. The way we look at people, their level of attraction, changes as we get to know them. That is why it is utterly pointless to fixate on looks. A woman might be stunning when you meet her, but then as you get to know her you find her to be ugly. There could be a woman you at first overlooked, who has the most charming laugher and smile that sucks you in. Looks change in accordance with a persons personality. Totally does.
And if you happen to fall in love? They'll be the most beautiful person in the world. No matter what anyone says.
So my advice to you is to not fixate on looks, but go on multiple dates instead. Go for someone you're not immediately drawn to, but who you think looks okay. Go on a date. Get to know them. See if your perception of them changes. Yes, there needs to be sexual attraction in the bedroom, but sexiness is in the way people carry themselves anyway, and not in the way they look. I can't tell you how many men I've charmed, who weren't initially into me, but who were just crazy about me later on. A little wink here and there, and a little hip movement, and they're all flat out, no matter what they first thought of me.
So remember that... Looks can be deceiving. A gorgeous woman might be stiff as a stick in bed: not sexy. So don't be fooled.. get to know them. Figure out who they are before you dismiss them. And for heavens sake, once you DO find someone you're attracted to, ask them out. What do you have to lose? Really? OMG they might say no... But that's still better than never trying and never knowing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2013): Remember that looks is only part of the total package. You could look fantastic but not have the best personality or come across the wrong way. You have to reinvent yourself or so they say. Take a long look at yourself. Approach a friend and ask how you come across? I hate to say this but invest a few bucks in a life coach who could steer you in the right way. Its not cheap but I believe you may not have a lot to change with yourself. You have to boost your ego and I believe that will help you come across as a more stronger person. See about getting a make over. New hair style and some new clothes may also help. Now go to one of the local hangouts where everybody goes and sit back in the corner and just watch people and see how the successful men flirt and get their ladies. Now study what you see. I am sure your going to say I never thought of that. Maybe even invest in some public speaking classes. They never hurt. Learn to become a good flirter. There are hundreds of items to be read if you do a google search. Learn through observation. Hey if you can dance that would be another feather in your cap. Learn a couple of the basis moves and go from there. I don't think you are going to have any problem in attracting women with your looks and if you can do a decent dance move on the floor your in like flint like my granddad used to say. But you're going to have to hone up those flirting skills. They are a really big issue with women today who want a man for more than just sex. My boyfriend of three years is simply that because of his ability to flirt but also communicate openly and honestly when the time comes. Don't be afraid to laugh with and at yourself. Women want a man who can do that also. Don't be afraid to put yourself out in the community you live in. This could be a great chance to develop a network of friends. There are thousands of volunteer organizations out there. There is nothing wrong with having some good men buddies. They might surprise you in the number of additional contacts that they could put you with. Leave no stone unturned in your quest. Treat it as a challenge and adventure not a tedious chore. Most women can see through that also. I have one bit of last advice to give you. There are some good on line dating sites out there if you feel that everything I told you get of scares the crap out of you. But remember they cost money and don't go near the free ones. They are littered with porn sites that will invade your I phone or computer. Remember on thing if you are using a on line dating site for your reasons then women are doing the same. Remember you are only going to get out what you put in. You still have to work on your issues. Effective communications and the ability to be a good flirt.And you have to build your self esteem up. If you think you've met somebody on line you would like to date then start a lot of texting and communicating. My girlfriend did a lot of skyping before she started going out with her on line date. This worked wonders. You saw the person and since skyping is free you can talk for hours and try and get to know the person you want to date. You never know move forward and good luck.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (25 May 2013):
 I totally get you man. I was there when I was younger...I was scrawny, flat chested and pansexual with a serious case of the terminal shy's. Too nervous to ask out men or women, and ended up alone most of my teenage years.Then a funny thing happened. I turned 18, moved across the country by myself and forced myself to be more brave and independent. I started talking to people. Asking cute people on dates. I got rejected A LOT, and that nearly killed my burgeoning social skills because it hurts really bad to get rejected. But I toughed it out, sucked it up and continued to talk to people. Eventually, I met and fell in love with the men that's now been my husband for over 6 years.Social skills and dating isn't something you're born knowing how to do, and it takes a high level of self-motivation and a thick skin to do it well. Work on socializing with more strangers until you get more comfortable talking to people you're attracted to. Baby steps, dating can come after you sharpen your social skills.Also, work on your self-confidence and self-esteem. Remember, you are a human being, and your self-worth is not tied into how attractive women find you. I've said this before in the past, but you weren't put on this Earth for women to want to sleep with you, your purpose in live is far more important than just getting sex. You shouldn't tie your self worth to how much female attention you get, because in the end, you're still a human being who deserves to be loved and respected just like every other human being on this planet, regardless of what you look like or how successful you are at dating.Do things that make you happy and improve the world around you. Volunteer, take cooking classes, take up rock climbing. Find something you can be passionate about, because you're so much more likely to meet friends when you have common passions.Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI Havn't ever flat out asked a girl out on a date. All I have ever had is falling for unavailable friends or friends that didn't fancy me (back in high school and early college before I worked out and "got sexy").
It probably also doesn't help that I only fancy/like the look of a few people in other words I have high standards. I also hardly ever meet any new people or potential girls to ask out.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (25 May 2013):
The reason you might think this way, according to my friend who studied special pedagogics, is your upbringing. You probably weren't encouraged to do things when you were a child, and didn't receive positive feedback. Perhaps you only received negative feedback each time you tried to do something. Or perhaps you only got "constructive feedback" as some parents have been a fan of, but which doesn't do any good in terms of building self esteem.
So that's the why, as in why you think this way. You were probably raised to this, basically. Too scared to make a move, convinced you will fail, and convinced no one is interested in you. I wonder what actual proof you have of this. Have you, for example, ever made a move on a girl? Because if people keep telling you you can have most girls you see, then it probably is true. The only reason you haven't been with one yet is that you have already given up before you gave it a go.
My boyfriend was the same, thinking it'll never happen to him, resigning to thinking he will have a life alone, die a virgin, never have a family of his own etc. Even if everyone told him he could have any girl he saw (granted that she's single). I knew this was true, because I saw the look in the eyes of close to every girl he talked to. They were all in awe. Even his mom commented on this one time, as well as all my other friends. I even had a boyfriend once who said he'd go gay for him.
Yet there he was sitting, thinking just like you do now. I got to ask you: have you EVER TRIED to get with a girl? Actually gone up to her, talked to her, and asked her out?
My boyfriend said his problem was he is shy. I get that, you might be shy too. Going up to a complete stranger is scary, if you're shy. But then what about getting to know girls as friends first, no pressure, and get to know them before you make your move? My boyfriend has tons of female friends, there were all lined up in cue for him. Yet there he was sitting, thinking they were all just interested in him as a friend. Go figure, he shot the idea down again without even trying.
So, I ask you, have you tried to take a friend on a date and see if something more could come out of it?
And if you wonder how I became the girlfriend of someone so elusive: I had to flat out ask him if he wanted to be my boyfriend. I'm not kidding. I told him I love him and would like him to be my boyfriend, then gave him some time to think about it. That's how blunt I had to be, but it took me 8 years to build up such courage. So if you think it's going to sort itself out by just sitting there, doing nothing, and having a girl land in your lap asking you to be hers... well, it might be a few more years to wait.
I rather recommend you ask girls out for dates. So much easier.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (25 May 2013):
Why do you feel you HAVE to be with someone? I think it is just fine that you have "only" kissed one girl. It just means you are not ready or you haven't found anyone special.
You have to change your personal conversation with yourself. You have to think positive. If you don't believe in yourself then no one will. Not just to be with someone in all areas of your life.
Good Luck Friend
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