A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'd like some opinions, especially from any guys out there, on why my now ex-bf might be acting how he is.To cut a long story short, we were together for 8 years. He split with me 18 months ago, saying he wanted space/time to himself (I later found out he was messing around with a female work colleague). 1 yr ago, he said he wanted us to get back together as he couldn't imagine a future without me in it, said he wanted us to get married and have a family someday, so we tentatively got back together. Everything was going great, but then, in June this year, I discovered a secret cell phone in his kitchen drawer whilst I was cooking him a birthday meal, on which were hundreds of explicit messages to 3 random girls. I confronted him, said I didn't want to go on like this (i.e., having mis-placed trust in him). He broke down, was crying for a week, begging me not to leave him. Then, 2 weeks ago he turns around and tells me he needs time and space (again!) to work out what he wants from life. Says he loves me and will only ever love me, but that he doesn't think he wants children, etc (even though it was him who raised the issue, and we hadn't talked about it since!) and that he feels guilty whenever he's with me (acknowledging that I don't actually do anything to make him feel guilty). I'm heartbroken. What I don't understand is that he hasn't made any contact at all in the last 2 weeks. The last time he saw me, I was devastated, but I don't understand why he hasn't made any contact (even a text) to see how I am. Is this because he doesn't care? Wants to erase me completely from his memory? It hurts so much to have 9 years of love tossed aside. I really want to hear his voice again, I miss him like crazy, and can't understand how it is he doesn't miss me a jot:(
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2009): Here is something I wish I had understood when I was younger. Being a girlfriend is a trap!
Men and women see relationships differently, men and women commit differently.
We women make the mistake of thinking that time put in, events like meeting friends and family, going on vacations together, mean something, that it means our man is commited to us. It doesn't. Men see events as just dating us, they don't see it as something to hang a meaning on that they are heading towards happily ever after with us.
It is very easy for a man to say they love us, it is easy for them to claim us as a girlfriend because they love having a naked girl in their bed, it is easy to talk about marriage and have it on the table, but if and until they actually step up and claim you as the ONE they want to spend the rest of their life with and until they give you a ring and set a date, they are not fully commited to you, they can get off that path to happily ever after, committed bliss any time they want to do so. And they can say and do a lot of things to get you to stick around waiting on them. They do not lack the insight into what you want out of this, but they do often lack the motivation and that is where the problem lies.
We women make another mistake by allowing ourselves to fall into the girlfriend trap. Just look at you, you have spent 8 or 9 years on this relationship and now you are feeling that you have thrown away those years and you are feeling used and abandoned. It is not unusual to feel that way, but you have to realize you made the choice to follow him around in his confusion, you got off your own path, your own goal of finding your happily ever after to follow this man around while he "figures" things out.
Not only that, but he is clearly not being honest with you about even the small committment of being your exclusive boyfriend. He is clearly cheating on you and hiding it from you, his need for space is probably because he is with another girl!
So you have a choice. Are you going to continue to follow him around in his confusion or are you going to powerfully tell him that you want to be married, that you do not want to be anybody's girlfriend, and he has every right to take as long as he wants to make up his mind, but while he is doing that he cannot have you all to himself, and that if he continues to date or see other women then you will take that as his answer, that he does not want you as the ONE...and you will exit the relationship.
But if he wants to give it some time, then you will go on doing the things you want to do and if you are free you will see him, you will remain sexually faithful, but you are going to be spending some time with other men. And then do that. Leave your heart open to other men, this one hasn't stepped up and claimed you. Put your focus squarely on you and off of him. Focus on doing the things that you want and need to do to achieve your personal goals, whether they be health, professional, or romantic or personal,,, you take your worry and energy off of him and put all the energy into YOU.
By doing this, it may provide the motivation that he needs to step up and claim you. You may decide after the way he has behaved towards you that you no longer want him. You may meet someone else who is better suited to you and wants what you do and is willing to step up and be the man you want and deserve.
Who gives a rats ass why he hasn't contacted you in two weeks. You get on with your life and let him worry about finding and keeping you. You are the prize he has to win, you are valuable and until you get that about yourself, you are in a trap.
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