A
male
age
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*MECEAM
writes:i need some confirmation in something i'm confused about and need some feedback. recently i was involved with someone which i loved dearly. this was the second time we had been involved with each other. first time lasted 2 years and was about 10 yrs ago, and this time around was for about 1 year and a half. this time around things ( i thought) were going great. even she would acknowledge how happpy she was and whished things would have been that way years ago. anyway, one day after spending the weekend together and the normal goodbyes off to work we went. 2 hrs later out of the blue she tells me that she needed some space that she was not sure about what she was feeling. i gave her some room and about a week later we spoke and told me that she had never loved me, that i was just a friend and that what we had was just a friendship, and that everything that she had written or said to me, were words without meaning. we have not spoken again in months. we do run into each other quite a bit, but she acts like she has never known me. i feel what we had was special,not only for what i felt for her, but what she was expressing to me. i was very happy, but know i'm confused. is she right, was this just a friendship??. is it still consider just dating after a year and a half??. what should call this, a relationship ?, friendship ?, just dating ? or just a mess. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2008): Well you called, this is a mess. Walk away.
It may sound harsh but walk away from her.
With an ex there is always that feeling of remembering the good times so you don't recall exactly why you broke it off.
It sounds like she wondered why she had broken it off before, made up, found it not right for her and broke it off again.
NEVER DATE AN EX! Ever, first and last rule of dating. There is a reason you are ex'es.
This ain't the movies, relationships do NOT have sequels.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 February 2008):
 You have been involved with the same person twice, but I believe this is like one single relationship. What happened in the second period obviously had to do with what happened in the first.
You were very clear about how you saw this relationship: "...special...". And if I were you, I would think the same way. I would not suspect a woman who says she's happy and sees an improvement in the relationship would be entertaining thoughs about leaving me. Because no one leaves another person "out of the blue". However, it is clear that she didn't see your relationship in the same manner. It was very serious for you; it wasn't that serious for her. For you, this was "a Relationship", with capital "R"; for her, this was less than that. She is giving you her definition of the relationship, as she saw it.
This reminds me of a story. A group of blind people from India who were asked to describe an elephant, which, of course, none of them had ever seen. One said that elephants were long and soft, like a hose (the nose); another said that no, elephants were hard and big, like columns (the legs); another one said that the two others were wrong, as elephants were thin and flexible (the ears). Each one described the elephant according to their own perceptions. This is what happened with you and this lady: you are describing the relationship as you saw it, and so is she.
Yes, this sure is a mess. From your point of view. From her point of view, it isn't. You're someone she was involved with, period.
I find it awful, terrible, inhumane, whatever the term should be, that she is telling you now that "everything she had written or said to you were words without meaning". She doesn't want to recognize the harm she did to you. But, her saying this makes her:
A) a liar?
B) untrustworthy?
C) extremely callous?
D) a manipulator?
E) an abuser?
F) all of the above, and perhaps even worse.
I hope other people, with greater visual acuity than me, will describe this elephant, too. I feel like I'm nearsighted.
Can an adult say "I didn't mean what I told you for years"? If s/he can, what are we to think of him/her?
She's saying this was just a friendship. Can you believe her? She has already said that her words are not to be taken to mean what they seem to mean.
Whatever she says, and however untrustworthy her words are to be considered, she came to you a second time, knowing full well what she could expect. And she stayed a year and a half; it's not like you were awful. She is.
My opinion is that you shouldn't waste another nanosecond of your time agonizing over this lady. I think you're way, way, way better off without her. Thank God you're free. Forget about this woman, and never look back.
By the way, she is the one at fault, not you. You don't have to feel uneasy when you're near her. She should.
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A
female
reader, lleternal_sunshinell +, writes (4 February 2008):
 imeceam, now that she pretends to have never known you, i would call it a mess at the moment. however, what it's been in the past is a little more confusing. i know it's difficult to move on when you haven't come to any resolution in the past. based on what you've described, here's what i think:
you two were very happy together 10 years ago for two years, and then recently for a year and a half. if you're together that long, and you are happy and think she is happy, you can't fake that. but feelings change, and you can't read her mind. this is an important simple concept, that's helped me with break ups in the past. you can't read her mind, so you don't know if it was you, her family, her fears of the future... there are a TON of reasons why she could have broken up with you, and more importantly, the real reasons can be totally different from what she says they are. just because she says that she lied about her feelings in the past for you, you don't have to accept that as true. however, you do have to accept that it's over and she doesn't want to have a relationship, friendship, or dating with you anymore.
we all tell ourselves what we need to, to move on. long after the relationship is over, you will have it characterized down to your favorite moments and how and why it ended. what's important is what it meant to you, even if the other person has a different take on what happened, they have their own motivations for saying what they do. you loved each other for a time and were happy together, it ended badly, but you are a big enough person to not have to resort to pretending you were never in love.
good luck!
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