A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there.I'm a newlywed guy in a state that allows same-sex marriage.Been married for just over 2 months now.However, I'm wondering what's gone wrong with my partner because of his attitude change.He's gone all pompous and acts pompous to everyone, be it shop assistants, waiters/waitresses, even the mailman, and insists you need to be pompous to get ahead, claiming "I learnt it from this millionaire guy online who does TED Talk-like stuff:.Also, our sex life's gone off the boil, he's more interested in buying alcohol each night from the local store, and eating Skittles in bulk.I wonder where the nice guy who was romantic and friendly had gone?I have changed, but personal development and skills-wise, not personality. We all change, but perhsaps not like this.I do love him but am questionign the love for him.He's also started hanging out with a group of new friends who he won't introduce me to. He insists "You probably won't like camp guys being a masculine gay guy, you won't wear a crop top for them, you're that uber-masculine".Yeah, I'm masculine, but not so masculine I hate feminine men or camp guys.He doesn't know I dated camp guys years ago and they were cool people.As it is, we're a masculine/masculine couple.I suspect he may be becoming camp based on newfound behaviour and these new friends.He's also becoming quite obsessive about a new friend, "Jenny", who I've never met, and he drives across the state line to see; could he be having an affair with her? The way he talks about her seems like it could be that way and never letting me meet her.I only knwo what Jenny looks like from her LinkedIn profile and professional website but not met her.I love my husband but am now wondering how to handle the whole situation.Most guys wouldn't be this secretive or tell me who I can and can't like would they?I'm wondering if this is a sign of some sort of crisis.I need your help, don't know what to do next.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2022): How long did you date before you became engaged? How long was your engagement? How did you meet your husband? Is he much younger, or older than you?
We always get posts claiming people "suddenly" change once they're married. To some degree marriage will change some old habits, create some new ones; and even make some people much more mature and responsible. Some people freak-out, once they've realized what they've done! They are now married and off the market! Cheating is prohibited, you exchanged vows/promises in front of witnesses and an officiator, you filed for a marriage-license, you spent all your savings on a wedding; and now neither of you can just pack-up and leave. What's yours is his, and what's his is yours! You ain't in the land of OZ no more, Dorothy! The fake camp is strictly for humor, but arguably apropos.
If your husband is addicted to social media; and obsessed with some ridiculous internet off-the-wall influencer. There's your problem! You should have picked-up on that. You never wondered what he was always checking or viewing on his cell phone? You've never shared what or whom you liked to follow on social media? If you're one of his friends and contacts, you had full access to what he was into, and all his sources of influence, information, and followings. No hint there, huh?
He didn't all of sudden develop an addiction yesterday. If you were both always focused on your devices, rather than each-other; of course, marriage is now revealing who he really is! You're now stuck with him 24/7; and even when you have to put your phones down! Now you're wondering who the hell is that guy over there?!! He's the guy, you were so intrigued and captivated by, with all his impressive superficial-qualities. A compilation of all the specific traits you listed on your dating site profile. You told him what you were looking for, and didn't like; so he made sure he hid those things you don't like, and embodied all the great traits you listed on your grocery list of criteria for the perfect gay-boyfriend. He made sure he checked all the boxes, and became the man of your dreams. He has the great "package," and is the whole package...but it's what you can't see that will surprise you, my man!
SURPRISE!!! This is what you find when you look under the hood, remove the smoke screen, look behind the curtain, gurl-friend! (Gay-slang for guy + girlfriend = gurlfriend) For readers who thought it was a typo!
He was butch enough; but also clever enough not to let-on to all his hidden quirks, and imperfections. Because you specifically told him everything you don't like, and he pretended he liked everything you like, and didn't like everything you don't like. You failed to close the pie-hole and listen; or ask for his true feelings and opinions. You were focused on what you wanted and needed; and neglected to see the whole picture. You heard and saw only what you wanted to see and hear. I'm being straight with you! Pardon the pun!
You may have seriously overlooked what his insecurities were while you were dating; focusing mainly on all the obvious or superficial things you liked about him. Like his appearance, the sex, and his ability to put on a big romantic-performance to woo you and win you over. Like some of my former gay-male friends who got themselves into marriages with men they didn't really know. They got so caught-up in wanting a fabulous gay-wedding; they didn't stop to consider what kind of creature they were entangling their very lives and assets with!!! Opening your eyes to discover it all, long after the fact! Now he's got legal-rights to half of all you've got! Marriage was such a great idea when you fantasized and daydreamed about it. That is a sad commentary about gay-marriage...any marriage for that fact.
Well, sometimes new marriages have a few kinks that need to be worked-out. If he's considerably younger and impressionable; I don't see how you overlooked these kinds of quirks about his personality.
Please don't try to convince the aunts, uncles, and readers this is some miraculous change that suddenly came over this guy. It usually means you dismissed everything for the sake of his good-looks, his hot body, the image you present to other gays as a hot-couple, and the fact everything you liked about him was purely superficial. I speculate that you neglected to get to know who he really is as a person, deep beneath the surface.
People, can and will, put-on or create the persona that you create; when your profile tells them specifically what you're looking for. They've read your wish-list; and have assumed all your criteria set-out before them; which they will promptly assimilate (like the Borg) in order to please you. You can't be a hopeless pie-in-the-sky romantic; you have to discern the person you've decided to choose as your beloved life-partner. Marriage is a serious and committed institution. There's something that comes after that grand wedding; which was followed-up by the most fantastical over-the-rainbow reception put-on for the entertainment of your gay circle of friends; and your open-minded straight-friends and family. People will talk about it, long past the expiration of the marriage! However, we hope this one will survive the test of time. It has to!
Now he's your husband, and he can drop the façade and be himself. He's got you hook, line, and sinker! You're his legal and binding mate for life. He didn't change so much. You dismissed all the red-flags and warnings, you waivered too many of your deal-breakers; and maybe you allowed the intoxication of being in-love cloud your better judgement. If you love him, and you're certain he loves you; you're going to have to sit-down together, and get to know who the both of you really and truly are. Reboot, tweak, and work the bugs out! Compromise, and negotiate. It's a bit late in the game for some of the things mentioned; but you can't just walkaway from this. He's got papers, and you're on public-record as a married-couple. He's not a disposable-boyfriend, he's a husband; so you'll have to go the whole nine-yards to make your gay-marriage work. Your discoveries and complaints arrive a bit late, my friend!
If all efforts fail to rectify and solve all your problems; get a lawyer, get a divorce, split it all in half, and call it a day. Marriage is not something to play with. It's not just a fantasy to fulfill. It's serious! You have to know, love, trust, and be faithful to the person you're going to marry; before you tie the knot! Not once you've come-down off cloud-9, and realize what a hot mess you've made! He's not to blame if you purposely overlooked stuff! He didn't change! He hid what he could from you; and the rest you simply overlooked. You know you did too! It is what it is. That dude is your hubby now! Possibly the father of your kid(s)! Quirks, perks, and all!
I hope he loves you enough to work it all out. You've got to lay it all out on the table; and work through it, my dear friend. Don't call it marriage, if you can't hack it. It was just another gay-wedding; and you've come this far only to regret your decision.
I do wish you the best.
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