A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I am a woman who's been married for 22 years to my husband.We have a grown-up daughter, who moved to Ohio with her boyfriend. She currently works in construction, earns a good living.It's my husband who's the big issue here.For the past few weeks, he's been constantly driving across the state line, for... shopping??Why would you need to drive across the state line just for the weekly supermarket shop?It's not like we're in a state where alcohol laws are restricted or dry counties, none of that here.I could understand doing that on special occasions but this obsssion with going daily is causing financial problem, and he's buying food in bulk a lot. Not to mention alcohol in bulk.I'm suspecting an affair and it just seems convenient that he keeps mentioning this woman's name, claims she's a paralegal in something or other. Her name's come up in conversation 5-10 times a day, shown me photos of her in a skirt suit and bikini. WTH???Why would we need a paralegal when there's no situation that we need legal advice in?And if we did, why go across the state line and not locally?I'm sure it's an affair.Probably women's intuition to think this.But it's freaking me the hell out and I don't know how to discuss it without risking him getting angry and possibly violent.I've been married 22 years and know he's not the type to get violent, but you never know, do you?I'm wondering if he really is having an affair with this paralegal he keeps mentioning.The only possible smoking gun is what I found on our Mac laptop (well... mine, really, I paid over $3k for it)... photos of this paralegal in bikinis and a PDF copy of an email exchange between them that was well, too X-rated to post here.Plus possible newfound interest in braiding African-American women's hair (I'm not African-American but Chinese-American so this sounds a bit odd doesn't it?)I really need to have that big talk with him about an affair but don't know how to.It's not like discussing 401k, finances or retirement.I didn't really expect this to happen, and it's already a tough time for me, as my sister's divorced and struggling with the dating scene.I would like some help to see things clearly and get out of a possible fog.Really, really, really, need your help guys.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 May 2022):
 Put a voice-activated recorder in his car. See what turns up.
I would not confront him until you have something more solid, if at all.
I would gather information, call a lawyer and learn what your options are.
I don't think anyone expects an affair after 22 years of marriage and I'm sorry you are being put in this situation.
"But it's freaking me the hell out and I don't know how to discuss it without risking him getting angry and possibly violent."
If you think there is a possibility for anger and violence, then definitely DO NOT confront him.
Talk to a lawyer, decide what you want to do, make a plan and follow through. Take copies of the pictures and the email you found with you to the lawyer. However, if you are in a no-fault state it won't make much of a difference.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2022): "But it's freaking me the hell out and I don't know how to discuss it without risking him getting angry and possibly violent."
If you fear your husband will get "violent" about being confronted about a "suspected" affair; I think the problem isn't an affair...it's domestic violence!!! He needs to get anger-management counseling if you're afraid of him!
If he's the type that would get violent (no matter what reason) when there is incriminating evidence that he is having an affair; I think you should be consulting with a divorce lawyer! If confrontations with your husband result in violence, you need to get yourself out of that kind of marriage. Let him have all the affairs he wants, you don't belong with any man you fear will become violent!!!
How much incriminating evidence of cheating, and violence, would it take for you to realize maybe you're married to the wrong man??? You're not supposed to be afraid of your husband for any reason! Didn't you know that?
How can you be married to a man, sleep with him, and live with someone who might get violent if you confront him about cheating on you, or anything else he shouldn't be doing?!! You're upset about an alleged affair?!!! Violence is the problem, my dear! No amount of cheating compares to a man who would do you any kind of harm, be it physical or psychological. Even if he has fits of rage and smashes things. A MAN LIKE THAT HAS TO GO!!! That is not a keeper! You will not fix or change him. It's a matter of time before her does you serious harm or worse! He isn't worried about your confrontation, if he knows you're afraid of him. What's to stop him from having affairs when you're afraid of him?
CALL A LAWYER!!!
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