A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has started lying . Instead of wanting to see me this weekend he told me he was looking after a family member ( child under age 10 without the parents ) who was visiting . Yet i know that was a lie as i saw him walking around town on his own and eating out so he was out for a good few hours he then messaged me saying him and the kid was having a good time in another town , impossible as i saw him. I played dumb and went along with what he said . Then after 5 pm he was home but when i asked him when he got back ( i asked at 8.20pm ) he said they had just got in at 8pm . He has put stuff online saying he was relaxing at home and watching football . i dont understand why hes lying about petty things , as soon as he said he was having family over i said it was ok and to enjoy the time he was getting . We have been together 5 months . i just find it really strange why he would lie , i dont want to confront him direct i want him to admit he lied but apart from being direct how else can i do it ? why would he lie over petty stuff ? i know id only know if i ask him but i believe in giving people a nudge to own up first Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2017): truly sounds like you smother him in one way or another. think really hard about that and see if there is any truth. and he lied because he didn't want to tell you he just didn't want to hang out with you.
since the relationship is fresh i would let it slide and fallback. give him his space. let him be the pursuer and you just enjoy
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2017): He may be a pathological liar or he may be someone who craves to be liked and doesn't know how to say no.
Both things are bad in a relationship. The first thing is a deal-breaker, the second can be dealt with, IF you BOTH have the motivation and energy to deal with it.
If he doesn't know how and when to say no...
He should have just said that he preferred to be alone this weekend, which is totally OK. But, had he done so, he would have alienated you (or so he thought). That's why he invented a REASON (people like him always need to have a VALID reason). The lies escalated from there on. At some point in his life he learned this behavior. Avoiding what he thinks might lead to unpleasant situations, confrontations, loss of love/respect. That's how he probably dealt with his (too demanding/strict/aggressive/critical) parents. Problem is, he kept doing this even as a grown up.
Now, this is a BIG problem. And it's not just about inventing reasons and stories. If he feels unpleasant saying how he really feels, he may lead you to believe that he agrees with some things only to pull out in the last moment. Including very important things, like being in a relationship with you.
You should also know that personalities like his can repeat this pattern from childhood and find themselves with partners that in a way resemble their parents and so they duplicate more or less the whole relationship. Their fear of saying no can be exacerbated when dealing with (what they think to be) demanding personalities. If for some reason he feels that you are like this he will often repeat this behavior - lying, avoiding, inventing reasons and stories.
Now, you can lovingly ask why he felt he needed to lies instead of telling you he wanted to be alone and take it from there.
Be prepared that he will feel bad and may even try to avoid the conversation by starting an argument. Problem with saying no, wish to please others comes hand in hand with low self-esteem and weak self-confidence. Some people hide it better than others, but these problems are there.
You need to talk to him. It's up to you to chose when, where and how.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 November 2017):
 I think instead of wanting to get him to admit lying to you, you should consider whether or not a man who lies to you is someone worth hanging on to.
Why waste another 5 months on someone who lies over petty things? If he wanted the weekend to himself, he could have just said so, not made up some lie about it. Then again, it could be he had planned to watch the kid, and the his family changed their plans and he didn't really want to call you last minute to change more plans. You don't know. But if you know he lied, and him not being open about things at best, you really just need to consider the relationship. Busting someone in lying to you doesn't do you any good. He will just continue with his lies, no matter how many times you bust him.
I had a boyfriend once who lied about small things. Things he could have just been honest about and no one would have cared. Like he would lie that he owned his own car, when instead it was his fathers car and he just borrowed it. Why lie about that when it was so easy to get caught in that lie (he lived with his father, so anyone visiting would find out in two seconds). Why lie about that? Also he would lie about the price of things. Like when something was priced at 2,50 he would lie and say it was 1,50 or something like that. Stupid little lies here and there. It was just annoying, which is why I didn't pay attention to it at first. At first I even thought he was just forgetful, or remembered things wrong. But then I discovered he did this consequently. Not just here and there. He did it deliberately. He would look me in the eye and tell obvious lies to my face, about small things that I knew was a lie, and I couldn't believe why he expected me to believe it. I couldn't understand why he would lie about such things either. It was like it was just a habit for him to not be honest and upfront. Like he enjoyed that no one knew the truth about anything that he did.
I think he had mental problems. Because it makes no sense. But I think he did it to gain control. To see how much bullshit he could feed me, starting with the small stuff just to see how I would react, before moving on to bigger lies. He would start telling me that he needed to borrow money from me, and then lied about his ability to pay me back. He would start telling me lies about his friends and family not liking me (which I know is a lie because I spoke to them after we broke up). It was just little lies here and there to make me always question the truth, and to keep me in the blind about things.
So, with that experience in mind, my recommendation is that if you ever catch someone in a lie: END THE RELATIONSHIP. There can be nothing good in a relationship with a liar. It shows lack of respect, at best, and possibly he is a compulsive liar and a manipulator who will try to break you down at worst. In either case, there is no grounds for a relationship with a liar. A relationship needs trust. You can not, must not, trust a known liar.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2017): I am the op . the reason i saw him out was because i was having a day out with friends , another reason why i know times he was home because we live near each other and i go past his house on my way home and saw him outside smoking when i drove past also social media he put what he was doing and failed to realise i would see this . we only see each other on a weekend due to me working a lot due to my job. he is a very open and confident person so thats why i didnt understand why he couldnt just say he wanted a weekend to himself, if thats what he wanted then im not going to kick up a silly pointless fuss .
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 November 2017):
 I don't think this is a "new" thing. I think this is part of who he is. You have only known him for 5 months so you really don't know WHAT he lies about (in general) and what he doesn't.
I agree that lying about little unimportant things is bad. And I would try and get to the bottom of why.
You say you don't want to confront him, but you want to know why he did it. I also agree with Denizen and WE are not crystal balls. Only HE can tell you WHY he does it. My guess? He will deny it.
Can it be that he wanted a weekend off from the relationship and you? Probably. Maybe he is missing having some "me-time". Some people take a little while longer in adjusting to being in a relationship.
He obviously wasn't galavanting around town with another woman but by himself. Which is why I'd guess he just wanted a little "me-time" and he didn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you he ranter have a weekend to himself than spend it with you. Perhaps because he knows from experience? that you would be upset and hurt?
If I were you, I'd have a talk about lying - that it isn't necessary and you rather not be lied to in order for him to "spare" your feelings. That it IS OK (and it should be) that he wants a weekend to himself here and there. If he wants a weekend off, YOU can also focus on your friends, family, and social circle.
If you don't call him out on it and TALK about it, nothing will change. And my guess is you will see more and more dumb lies.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2017): You saw him out and knew exactly when he got home.... That's worrying too, OP.
He shouldn't be lying. Maybe he's been followed before and had a clingy ex. Maybe he just felt it was better than saying he wanted time to himself. Maybe he just lies sometimes. Whatever it is, it isn't good, so you need to ask him. Stay calm, but ask him.
Be prepared to answer how you know he was lying and possibly have the tables turned into "why were you stalking me?"
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 November 2017):
 The keys here are these:
1. How long the relationship has been going on
2. What he was ACTUALLY spending his time on
3. The type of lie he was telling.
While I agree with Denizen that we aren't a crystal ball, and that the only one who knows the full truth is your boyfriend, there are things we can learn about why he is lying to you.
Let's go down the list:
1. How long you've been dating. You're at the point between the honeymoon period and the part where things are exclusive and starting to become more serious. How much time have you been spending together until now? How many days per week? How many weekends are spent together as opposed to spending apart in separate interests?? Oftentimes, this is the part in a relationship where people have been spending almost all the time together when one or maybe both say "I need some breathing room!"
2. The type of lie. I agree - no one should lie, especially with petty things. It looks like he was telling an "avoid confrontation" lie because he thought that telling you he needed some time to himself would be something you wouldn't like, so you'd act adversely to it. I'm not saying you'd do that, but it's possible in his past, he had someone who was as clingy as shrink wrap, questioned where he was every minute, and got really upset or accusatory if he wanted some alone time. Again, no reason for him to lie. He should mature enough to tell you that he needed some alone time to veg out.
3. The type of lie. This one ties into #2. He said that he had a familial obligation. My question to you is - why were you stalking him?? How did you KNOW what he was doing and where he was?? You could have done 100 things that weren't shadowing him around! Yes, he lied, but if you're that involved in his whereabouts constantly, and especially if you've given him any sort of hard time for being somewhere that you weren't, then it's not hard to see why he lied to you.
Lying is wrong. He should just tell you that he needed time off. You both need to mature in this area. Having a boyfriend or a girlfriend doesn't mean that you surrender your entire identity to them and ask permission to sneeze. And why were you following him around?? Why are you keeping TRACK of what time he comes home?? How do you know how many HOURS he spent in town?? If this is your life, and you're tracking him like this as a rule, then he lied to you because he is feeling smothered and didn't want to deal with your reaction to his needing time not being tracked or surveilled by you.
I'd call him out on his lie, and then ask him if you are causing him to feel like he needs to hide "me time" from you. Accept the answer he gives you, and then if you are smothering him, you need to back off and give him breathing room. But tell him that a relationship needs the truth. If he needs time alone or a weekend to veg out and play video games or watch sports, then give it to him without lots of checking in or texts. Relationships must breathe.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (26 November 2017):
 The easiest thing is to ask. You want us to guess, but that won't help you. You need to form your own assessment of his answers. Will he come clean about his motives or will he try and wheedle out of giving an honest answer.
You then have to decide what to do. Is this just someone who needs more Me Time or is there some other reason.
You have to do the digging now. We aren't a crystal ball.
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