A
male
age
30-35,
*Bizzle
writes:I'll try to keep this as short as possible. My ex an I were together for roughly a year and for months. I'm 21 and my ex in question is 23. I met my girlfriend (now ex) on January 27. We met on a social networking app. She lived about an hour away for school. We began dating and very quickly became an item. She came to my hometown for the weekend of March 1 and that was the day that we were officially together. We had a long distance (1 hour away) relationship where either I would drive up to see her almost every week to stay for a night or two. She had a few demons she was fighting when I met her. She had self image issues and was bulimic. She would purge when she didn't like how she looked. She said that she had issues where she would go out to the bars with her girlfriends and never got any attention from guys. She said that it hurt her so much that she would sometimes go outside the bar and cry. Then we met, and I thought she was the absolute best thing in this universe. I still think that. I told her every chance I could that she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. I took pride in coming up and cooking her meals, massaging her feet when she was stressed, anything that would make her happy. She showed great appreciation for everything I did and would do the same thing for me. She even wrote me a long letter at Christmas on how much better her life was now that I was with her and that she couldn't wait to spend all the years together. She never hesitated to get me something I wanted or to cook me food I craved. Our s*x life was healthy and she always said that I satisfied her. Basically what I'm trying to say is that it seemed as though we had a very healthy and loving relationship. Fast forward to about 3 or 4 weeks ago, I started to know some changes. For instance she went from saying "I love you" to "Love you." She seemed very lack lustre most of the time and seemed sort of distance. Although she would call/text to see how my day was going if I didn't talk to her for more than 5 or 6 hours in a day. Every time I asked her what was wrong, she would say she's okay. Eventually she told me that she's just been feeling lackluster from the stress of having to find living arrangements/plans for the second year of her masters degree as well as trying to find a job and the stress of having to write a long paper for her masters degree. I took this as the truth and told her everything would be alright, and she still up to that point said that she loved me. This behavior went on for the next couple weeks until last weekend when she came to visit. Throughout the weekend she acted very odd. Normally when I told her that she was my everything, she would tell me the same. But all she did was say "aw thank you" and kind of half smile. I just kept thinking she was so stressed that she just wasn't thinking right. Throughout the weekend she would seem really distant and odd and at other times she would seem very happy and glad to be with me. She even made comments that gave no indication of her planning to leave, such as plans to get in shape together and her wanting me to save a pad thai recipe that I had just made her so that I could make it more often for her. Eventually the weekend came to an end and when she went to leave, I noticed that she was not wanting to be the first one to say "I love you" I just held her waiting for her to say it but she just kept looking at me so I said it and she repeated it back. Then she got in her car and said she'd let me know when she got home safe, as she always did. When she got home, she told me that she was busy with her family and that she would call me later. She called me no less than 2 minutes later and said that she hasn't felt anything for me in "a while." She said that she feels bad telling me that she loves me and misses me because she doesn't truly mean it. She said that there was nothing I did wrong and that I treated her perfectly. She said that something in her has just changed and didn't know what it is. I asked if there was someone else and she was very firm in saying that there was no one else. That was on May 24th. I talked to her the next day because I felt as though I had many unanswered questions and needed help processing everything. She again told me all the same things. She again promised that she hadn't met anyone else and said that she had no plans to meet anyone else. She said she just didn't feel anything for me and that she didn't have time for a boyfriend. I of course begged and pleaded with her over that phone call to give me another chance, to take things slow, and to get couples counseling. She refused to do any of that and eventually just hung up. A couple of days later I text her and said that I thought about it and was glad she told me sooner than later and said that I thought she was right and that I was glad to have met her. Obviously I didn't feel that way, I guess I had just tricked my mind into thinking that. A couple days later I asked her to lunch and she said yes. I thought about it for a little bit and realized that it would be weird to meet up if she hadn't missed me yet or if she ever would. I then texted her a day or so later and said that I was sorry but wanted to meet up to be more than friends. She said that she hadn't changed her mind and that if we couldn't meet up as friends, then we shouldn't meet up. She then apologized and said she was sorry that something in her changed. She didn't want me anymore. That was the last time I spoke to her.Obviously I'm very hurt by this. She always said I wouldn't lose her and we would occasionally talk about a future together. She always said things like no matter how long it took me to get a bachelors degree, even if it took 10 years, she would be right there with me. I don't understand what happened to her/us.I'm not necessarily asking whether or not she can/will come back because nobody but her knows whats going on in her head.Basically my questions are.....Is it possible to just stop truly loving someone?Are there any women or men out there that have experienced losing love/feelings for someone they were so well with? and what kinds of things were you thinking? In your situation, was it possible that you would get back with that person if you were given the time and space?What can I do to help process this all in my head and heart? It seems like she was completely invested in me, just stressed, and now she's gone.Is there anyone else out there that has gone through this, and how did you cope with the utterly stabbing feeling of abandonment?I just keep thinking about how great of a relationship we had and how happy I was. I keep thinking of fond times with her and just how perfectly amazing I felt being with her. I need help.Any other information would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
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male
reader, JBizzle +, writes (3 June 2015):
JBizzle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for your answers. I think you are both absolutely right. It's just so hard to think that all those happy times are gone. Although, there is something very minutely comforting in realizing that she never truly loved me to begin with. Like I never really lost anything, because it wasn't really there to begin with.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (3 June 2015):
 OP let me give you a hug first because I feel that as of now, you need that more than anything else. I feel your pain and you seem like a really nice guy who's just been really unlucky.I'll try to answer your questions as best as I can. "Is it possible to just stop truly loving someone?" Basically the answer is No, but only if it's "love" in the real sense of the term. People confuse feelings of affection for love. You can like someone, you can be fond of them, it can be contextual...like for instance you meet someone or interact with them IN a particular context and you like them...but keep in mind that these are all different from love. Affection wanes. The honeymoon phase inevitably ends. Love on the other hand never dies. So to answer your question, if you truly, with all your heart love someone, then its never possible to ever stop loving them.I think in your case OP, your girlfriend really liked you because you made her happy and you were were a band-aid to her wounds. I sincerely doubt if she loved you, at least not as much as you did. For whatever time she was with you, she was fighting other forces to be with you. Do you understand what I'm trying to say? She was with you not because she really well and truly wanted to but because she thought maybe it would be good for her. Maybe her head told her that she was finally making the right decision but she wasn't so sure in her heart. Don't take this personally please, keep in mind this has nothing to do with you; sometimes you can do everything right and yet things don't click. Sadly, that's life. OP I have a feeling that she's dealing with some major issues that she's not telling you about. Maybe her self-esteem is just really low and she doesnt think she's equipped to deal with a relationship. Sometimes its also a lot of strain if your partner is doing everything right (strange as it may seem) because it puts a lot of pressure on you to match up to them, when maybe you're not in the right frame of mind to reciprocate.Just leave her alone OP. I don't think there is anything else that you can do or say. She needs to deal with her issues herself, maybe even take professional help. You are not at fault in any way. I know it must feel absolutely awful but you know what, you tried. You did your best. And you loved her. There is nothing more that you can do except wish her well. You know what they say OP..."If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."How do you cope with the feeling of abandonment?You immerse yourself in work, you go out with friends, read books, meet people...basically do anything that'll keep you occupied and make you feel positive. Lets face it, moping never helps, does it? Will sitting at home and wishing for things to be different change anything? Will it bring her back to you? Obviously not. So you go wash your face, put on a clean, ironed shirt, spray on some good cologne and go out with friends. And remember, this too shall pass. All the best to you OP.
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