A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Why is getting married so important!! I'm 25 I have been with my partner 10 years my relationship is fantastic I trust him we get on like best mates there's no drama it is as close to perfect as I could have ever imagined! We own a home 50/50 nothing in the house is worth arguing over and no children and both have fantastic careers earning similar money. I don't need a divorce settlement to look after myself. The problem is we both come from Catholic families (we met at Catholic school at 15)I have absolutely no desire to get married and neither does he. I don't believe in God and will not take vows to something I don't believe in. Society has moved on so much me and him are equal so why can't people move on from marriage. It means nothing these days it takes a couple of weeks to sort out a divorce it doesn't show commitment. I'm committed I've never been with anyone else in my life and have no desire too but my family and his just can't drop it. Not only them everyone around us says when are you getting married at this point we're considering eloping to shut everyone up (that's a joke lol.) As a couple we've spoken about it and we were both honest with each other and said it's not something we need to do. We don't need a peice of paper to be secure with each others love. The way we treat each other is better than half the husbands and wives I know do. I'm so sorry for my rant and I know people still believe in the sanctity of marriage but I don't. I would just like to ask in 2016 what is the difference in a marriage and a long term relationship? How can I tell my family they're waiting for something that'll never happen. Thank you for anyone who takes the time to answer this!
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divorce, money, move on, no desire Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (12 October 2016):
 Well done for sticking to your guns and not conforming to the traditionalists' thinking. I have noticed that many couples who get married after a long courtship do so simply because it's a make-or-break situation, resulting from a rut they have got into. They feel they either have to move forward and get married or split up. In most cases, they split up a short while later as the relationship had actually run its course but neither wanted to admit that. You both sound secure in your relationship and see no reason for change. Regarding safeguarding your financial futures, you can always do this via a solicitor. Or even have a civil wedding with a couple of witnesses and no hoo-hah. And, for the record, as someone who was raised a Roman Catholic but no longer believes in "organised religion", I totally respect your desire not to get involved in a religious ceremony in which you don't believe, just to please others. Stay happy.
A
male
reader, 11muds11  +, writes (12 October 2016):
All I can say is that of the 4 sets of friends who were in a long lasting relationship and never got married, not one of them is separated. With many married friends, the average is not so great.
As far as telling your family, a nice full formal letter could be a good idea. Let them in your own way know you are not happy about it, and it needs to stop now. Find out if they do letters or email. If you want to, you can even call it your big announcement, to get the point across.
If you're uncomfortable with that, a quick little email reminder or quick note will help. When people get those, it tends to go into their subconscious. Like some of the people who will tell you to get married, they are trying to be helpful and think they have your best interest at heart. It's time to let them know through proper communication it's not helping. It should help with most of it.
Hope this helps
Good luck
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (11 October 2016):
 I think regardless of what you believe about the religious elements of marriage, going forward in your life together I would urge you to think about the legal aspects of getting married. It does give you more rights as a legally recognized partner.
There are many insurance policy and pension type situations who will not pay out to anyone other than a spouse or civil partner. Even children can often be disregarded in the fine print.
In the event of death etc, there are things like inheritance tax to consider (how would that affect shared assets), have you made wills? If not any estate would automatically go to the next of kin (not your partner).
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (11 October 2016):
 I can't beat Honeypie'a advice; it's spot on. I also think Aunt Homesty has great points, though I disagree with divorce not being an option - it should be a "when all else fails" option (unless there's abuse, then it should nearly always be the first option) because I do think many give up too soon, but I also think you can't force love and if that fades and won't come back even with months of trying, you shouldn't be stay in an unhappy marriage.
Personally, I don't want marriage for the paper or the legal safety net (until we want children, then I do!), and I actually prefer the term "fiancée" to "husband"/"wife", but I do want the emotional feeling of committing to my boyfriend and declaring my love for him. I'll always do it and our wedding wouldn't be a big one, but the mental and emotional gesture is unbeatable to us.
You don't have to get married, but it would help legally when you're thinking about kids.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 October 2016):
 Marriage means something still to a lot of people. To you it doesn't and that is okay, but people are still going to be on your back, because the next usual step is marriage. All you can do is be honest and say you and your partner are happy they way you are and don't want to be married.
For me I want to be married. I want to have that commitment. I want to make that promise to each other. I want my children to have married parents and go to a catholic school. I want us all to have a family name and not different ones. I want to be able to say that is my husband, I want to be able to say he committed to me as I did to him. I want to remember that day for the rest off my life and have all my family and friends celebrate it with me. I want to show him how much I love him by committing to him, to becoming a family and becoming one. I don't think about divorcee getting married, I don't see that as an option. I don't see a marriage being something you can just walk away from, you need to work hard at it when times are tough. That is my opinion.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (11 October 2016):
 I agree with you, up to a point.
However, once kids enter the picture things change.
Legally, you are in a "common law" relationship which gives you SOME (not all) the same protection legally, in the case of death, split up, accidents, etc.
Getting married is not about a "piece of paper". It's a contract that ensures each other in case of various events such as birth, death, injury, split up etc. (like mentioned above)
You can read about the difference below in the link.
http://family.findlaw.com/living-together/marriage-vs-cohabitation.html
My brother and his (now) wife were together from their teens, not really wanting to marry. But once they had kids and their KIDS asked why not? They went to see a lawyer and figure out if there WERE any good reason for a marriage. There were (and you can see in the link about). Not only did my brother want to protect his wife AND his kids in any events, he also wanted to have the same last name, to be able to travel with his kids freely, and have his WIFE make any medical decision in case he ever got injured. (instead of our dad making those).
If you two just want to be together and not marry, AT LEAST go see a lawyer and make up a living will, so you AT LEAST secure each other financially.
Right now, if anything happened and there are no wills, HIS half of the house belongs to his RELATIVES, not you.
So my advice, GO talk to a family lawyer. At least get THAT piece of paper.
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