A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:so i'm pretty sure i'm doing something wrong but i need some advice...so the thing is, both my girlfriend and i have a disability, and neither of us is able to drive a car.suppose my gf needs something. like, she's busy and doesn't have time to walk to the store herself, or she has a doctor appointment and needs someone with her, whatever. what has been happening a lot lately is she will initially ask for my help, which as a bf i'm happy to give. but then at the last minute, sometimes the day of, she calls to say never mind, her mom was in town, called, asked her if she needed something, whatever, and she had her mom do it insteadi asked her about why this happens so much and her answer was along the lines of "well my mom happened to be at the store/drove into town on that day/etc. and i didn't feel like inconveniencing you, so since it was easier for her to just grab what i needed and drive it by on the way out of town, rather than you walking to the store, walking to me then walking home, i decided i'd ask her instead." see the problem is i see her being concerned for me, but it's in the wrong way. i do not feel inconvenienced if i have to do something for her, because that's part of me being with someone, i care enough to go a little out of my way for them when reasonable.i'll admit that being disabled, growing up that way, it's always been hard to find a lot of self-confidence, because people constantly, even sometimes inadvertently, make you feel worthless, which is sort of what's happening now.i am really not sure what the best way to handle this is, because every time she does ask me for help, then changes her mind at the last minute because someone else, especially someone else who can drive, helps instead, i feel like my help has little value to her. it in turn makes me feel like i'm not contributing to the relationship. another thing is my parents did raise me to take care of myself, like they would actually not allow me to ask them for help too often. which i feel is a good thing, because now it means i don't mind doing things for myself. but with her, her family pretty much waited on her, and whenever she needed something they were there. so she may be used to asking her parents for help as a matter of habit, and maybe feels more comfortable asking them than asking me? but either way, i don't really know how to just fully accept that i will always feel second to others in her life who can do more for her simply because of ability to drive...
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 May 2013):
 If that bothers you much, just tell her - and also have her note that once she asked you to do something and you have accepted , when she reschedules last minute she is also messing up with your plans , programs and schedules , because obviously you'll have worked your other outings / committments around what you need to do for her. So, of she asks you something and you say yes, she can considering it done - or else she should not ask you to begin with ( I have said it rather bluntly , but you , of course, be kinder and more diplomatic :)
IF that bothers you much. But, I'd say you are overthinking it and taking it more personally than necessary.
I am sure that you are a fantastic guy, and totally active and independent, yet, the fact remains that you do have a disability and you do not drive. While her parents or other relatives do not have disabilities and do drive. So, it's logic and normal and authomatic to resort to them if they are available, because they can do the same thing with half the inconvenience and probably in less time and more efficiently.
It' s like, I have an 80something mum, she is fit as a fiddle, full of health and stamina, and totally capable of running errands for me if needs be. I'd have no compunction in asking her to , I don't know, withdraw a parcel from the P.O. for me , she is fit to do it. BUT, if before that my 23 y.o. son shows up and volunteers to do the same, I'll just send him. It's just in the natural order of things, and no offence meant to my mom.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 May 2013):
 This sounds a little manipulative to me. As if she is trying to pick a fight. Does she change her mind about a lot of things? Or is she hoping you will get sick of her doing this and thus so sick of it that you will stop offering to help her? Then she can start to complain that you "never" help her.
And that could be a prelude to breaking up with you. or is her mother interferring and suggesting that she (instead) do the errand that you were asked to do first. Alternatively she is just seriously impatient. So she asks for a favor at 1pm, the favor is not done by 1.20pm, so then she complains to her mother, and thus her mother steps in to take over.
The way she is behaving does not sound healthy.
You don't have to be at her beck and call 24/7. Though her mother may have trained her to behave like this as it may make her mother feel needed and appreciated.
When people have a disability the most loving thing that parents can do is to bring their children up as your parents did - to stand on their own two feet. People with disabilities can often achieve really good things when they are brought up the way your parents brought you up.
I suggest that you develop another hobby or interest. One that means that sometimes you are too busy to assist. If you have to refuse her and then she starts complaining that you 'don't care' then that will be manipulative behavior. It's not mature and it's not nice to try to manipulate situations.
Make it clear that your self respect is intact.
You are her Boyfriend, not a servant there to do all her errands.
But don't expect her mother to stop trying to run after her and try to attend to her every request. Her mother gets a pay-off from making her daughter so dependant. And until her daughter realizes that this is not a good thing, then nothing will change.
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