A
male
age
41-50,
*upid Boy
writes:Ok, I'm at the age now where I am "supposed" to be married and should want it as well. But I'm not and I don't. All my friends are married and I do feel left out at times, like the world is passing me by. Yet I do not covet their marriages much, only the approval and benefits they get from society just for being married.I grew up believing in the sanctity of marriage, that it is the only state in which to have sex and raise kids. So it's not that I don't take marriage seriously, it's that I take it REALLY seriously. Marriage is forever... which means if you choose wrong, you have to live with your mistake for the rest of your life, unable to seek a better situation or companion for yourself. Many get around this by taking "til death do us part" out of their vows, at least figuratively. But that kind of takes the meaning out of marriage. I'd never get married in an empty civil ceremony because that would be nothing more than signing a legal contract -- no better than simply living together. A bond that can dissolve at any moment when one person wants out is not much of a bond at all. It's as though I see marriage as an "all or nothing" proposition. That's what makes it sacred but also an extremely dangerous gamble as well. It gives great benefits when it works out, and horrendous consequences when it doesn't. Some people have literally ruined their lives by getting married. We're told half of all marriages end in failure. Of the half that "succeed," I have to wonder how many are truly happy. You wouldn't go bungee jumping with those odds.My parents are still married after 40 years. To all outside observers, that is an amazing achievement. But I know it has been a sexless marriage for most of that time. They haven't slept in the same room for years, much less the same bed. Did practically nothing to celebrate their 40th anniversary. They do love each other but not in a passionate or romantic way anymore. Seeing how happy they were in their wedding photos is such a contrast to what they've become. Because of their strong values, they are tied to each other until death. I find this both beautiful and really sad.There's no way to sustain that feeling of being in love after 30, 40, 50 years, is there? For most couples, it burns out after only two or three. Then they are left with all the duties and responsibilities of marriage but none of the excitement that made them get married in the first place. Yet people and society are still unequivocally pro-marriage. Married people are seen as more stable, responsible, virtuous and mature, while singles are seen as the opposite of all that. To ever criticize the institution of marriage is to make yourself look like a bitter and undateable single, especially to women.But the fact is I DO believe in marriage. If my wife became an alcoholic or gained 200 pounds, I would stay with her because that for me would be the only option. Maybe by staying single, that's the situation I'm hoping to avoid. Are these feelings about marriage justified?? Should I try to get over them and if so, how? Sometimes I think if I took marriage less seriously, I could see it as others do -- as something to be desired instead of a prison.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011): Yea I totally get what you mean here. I am a Christian and so marriage is very important to me. I am also single and find in churches there is no support for single people much. I enjoy being single but would like to eventually be married, at the right time of course. I am scared of making the wrong decision with someone and it is a bit of a gamble in a way, however due to my beliefs, God is so much bigger than my fears and I have to trust in Him. No one person will ever meet all our needs and it is unhealthy to think that by being married makes you complete. Singleness should be celebrated just as much as marriage, perhaps even more so in a way, because it takes a lot of courage to choose to be on your own, to be independent, to not be in a relationship.
I don't go with what 'society' expects, as you say, 50% of marriages fail, but there is still hope, still a chance that you could be in the 50% of marriages that are successful. A lot of the marriages that fail are reconcilable anyway. If people were to go into a marriage with realistic expectations and a desire to please their other half and to love them for who they are, and to always COMMUNICATE and be honest, then it would spare a lot of heartache.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 January 2011):
 Everybody is different and has different beliefs. You just have a very negative outlook on marriage. I guess those odds are the odds you have been aware of but i know plenty of people that are happily married after a long time. I guess maybe when you find yourself a girlfriend that you really love and feel that you want to spend your life with her then you may feel differently about it and not so negative. Just because you are a certain age you shouldnt feel pressured in to marriage. Many people live long happy lives without ever being married just remember that.
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A
female
reader, JusticeVsJustUs  +, writes (9 January 2011):
Well, I can only say what I think, not what society thinks. It seems as though you have put a lot of thought into "marriage." I personally, do not think that you should discredit your values in order to fit into society's standards. I do think, however, that you must re-asses how you go about picking a partner. It sounds like you might be looking for a flawless woman. That will never happen my friend. I too believe that marriage is a sacred bond that should not be broken, however, I know that no one is impeccable. Everyone will have their faults, and part of marriage is accepting those faults and learning to love them.
Also, to me, it sounds as though you are afraid of ending up like your parents. The truth is, that for the vast majority of human beings, "love" will dwindle. Most of us won't feel the same way that we felt 20 years ago. We have to realize that, that is okay. As time progresses, we all have the habit of questioning our previous descisons. It is up to you to remember the original reason why you got married. In the end, you are the one in charge of making your marriage happy and successful. You can accomplish any task as long as you really want to and your put the effort into it.
In short, I cannot answer why you do not want marriage (only you can do that) but I can give you some advice. Remember, do not forget who you truly are and what you truly believe. It is okay to compromise and accept what is not perfect, but do not lose sight of yourself or your beliefs. Life is only as good as you make it. The same goes for marriage. Be patience, and I am sure you will find what you are looking for.
This is just what I believe. I don't know much about marriage though, I am just a 16 year old girl. I hope I at least helped you a little bit. :)
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