A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Why do I not receive much attention from the general male population?Before you proceed to trash this email, thinking it comes from some innocent 22-year-old who is fishing for compliments to feed into her sky-high ego, I assure you I am fairly educated with a decent self-reflection ability:1. My looks are slightly above average at maybe 7.5–8.5 out of a scale of 10, depends on whether you are viewing me from the Asian beauty standard or American standard (I appeal to the older Asian generation more, apparently they think I resemble the movie stars from the early 80s’).2. My body is not bad, average, 36-26-34, bit lacking on the booty part, but I wear butt pads to camouflage (curious of butt pads? Yes they are like a bra for your butt).Now the important part is over. Let’s move onto the not-so-important ones:3. I’m quite funny. In writing, or emails, or any communication tool that requires typing.4. I do fairly well in the insurance world, proper, conservative, and go home with a good pay.5. I know a bit more outside my normal star magazine, and I don’t have Tourette’s Syndrome.6. I volunteer for a cause I care deeply about.7. I am quite logical and consider flowers to be a waste of money, and make sure I treat the date back after every two meals they buy.Based on the resume above, I would think I could get the majority vote. However, when it comes to the world of dating, I could be sitting in a club alone while my 200-lb friend is being hit on left and right, I can be completely ignored while a group of perfectly eligible investment bankers chat up to my friend who’s one chromosome over being severely retarded.I do occasionally receive 100% appreciation from great guys, but it happens so rare that it might only have happened once or twice in my… 10 years of dating life.Now with this long-winded bitter post, can you please tell me, why?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2014): I sense a combination of a couple things going on that others have said. Your description does not scream high maintenance but it does scream high standards. Your good appraisal of yourself is probably not wrong but may limit the pool of men taking a crack at you. Regarding the blunt and somewhat harsh tone in your writing about yourself and your friends (which Cerberus beat the crap out of you over) - is that because you are trying get your points across quickly and there is no need to make a positive impression on an anonymous forum? Or is that representative of how you commonly think/talk/act around others in real life? If its the latter that could be a big part of the issue. I might write very much like that when its useful but I don't usually operate like that at all with people in person.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2014): Demeanour and attitude is what attracts male attention.
Basically what you've written paints you as an ice-queen, and no offence but a bit boring too.
I'll show you what I mean by addressing your points.
1. Irrelevant, everyone has the potential to be attractive, and the fact you seem to be happy with your looks to give yourself an 8.5 says you don't lack confidence, but may well think you're a bit superior too.
2. Irrelevant. OP looks, weight etc. they really don't mean anything to men in the way you seem to think it does.
Nice sarcasm with the important part bit, nice little sly dig at the "superficiality" of men. But hey, your dating pool is investment bankers apparently, so you fit right in.
3. Then date online. If that's how you feel you're most charming then go for it.
4. Yawn, do regale me with the facts and figures of sales or coverage you refused to pay out to a starving family or the technicality you found in order to ruin a small business by not paying out. Fascinating.
5. Okay I get you, you're very strict and ordered, you're conservative, proper, don't curse and most likely think it's great that you can correct people's grammar and just love to throw out words that people need you to explain. You sound wild!
6. I can't criticize that unless the cause you care deeply about is a neo-Nazi one or Al Qaeda.
7. Awesome, so even dating is a mathematical formula. Oh and I agree with you, OP. I'm not fond of women who demand "chivalry", spoiled princesses are not for me at all.
OP all of those things make you sound so incredibly boring, cold and with a nice dash of self-importance mixed in.
OP your resume is one of a joyless prude, who's also bitter. The type of woman that sits there bitterly watching her "ugly, dumb" friend get all the attention instead of joining in.
I bet a small part of you thinks we men are just too stupid to see how amazing a woman you are too.
OP there's nothing about you that sparks even the remotest bit of passion in me reading it. I feel that if I even attempted to speak to you in a club you'd give me a dirty look and I'd offend you just by saying hello because you're so rigid. Maybe I'm wrong, but you list nothing personable, nothing charming, nothing but a list of traits you feel should make you very desirable to lots of guys.
I'm not judging your character of course, you're asking why men aren't flocking to you. That's why. Rigid Ice-queens don't stand out, they blend in, they're unobtrusive. You ask them what they do, insurance or actuary or other such conversation killing drone job.
What do you for fun? Erm, well in emails and stuff I'm quite humorous, here let me show you an email I sent a work colleague today when we got an old war widow to shell out her life savings on water damage insurance when she doesn't even live on a flood plain. He even replied with an 'lol' in caps which means it was funnier than usual.
Even your volunteering comes across as something you do to make yourself feel great and important. As part of that list it just feels contrived.
Now male attention is irrelevant in quantity, you may only get two guys a year who show interested but better two compatible guys who just love numbers, logic and emails is better than 20 who are just looking for some easy flesh.
OP my point is you list nothing exciting or fun in your resume and you even call it that too.
Your friend probably smiles when she makes eye contact with men, she probably listens intently without judgement or a frown. She probably oozes sensuality and approachability.
What part of you is sensual OP? What part of you is exciting?
OP you've made connections, so you know the types it happens with and how. Just change your strategy to suit your strengths. You're not going to get attention in clubs with that attitude, so find places where you will meet similar people.
You're so strict you won't allow us to treat you with any of the easy things like flowers etc. Which personally I agree with, but it also makes you a lot of work to impress for an adrenaline junkie, instant gratification investment banker type.
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A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (9 March 2014):
 This may be way off bat and not particularly helpful but it might be worth keeping it in mind. It's a common misconception that the men make the first move. They don't. Women make the first move by giving a man a signal that it's ok to approach her. If you're not giving the signal, such as eye contact or smiling or otherwise flirting, then that might be why they aren't approaching you.Maybe watch your friend, really watch her and see how she acts. Does she just sit there or does she look around, making eye contact and smiling?As I said that might be of no help, you might be doing that and still not getting anywhere. In which case I'm sorry.I sympathise. I know how frustrated you are. I think I'm reasonably attractive and a pleasant person but I don't get anywhere with women.I wish you well.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (9 March 2014):
I will use a different approach to answer this question and put myself as a guy who would ask you out. Reasons I would not ask you out:
1. You seem generally unhappy and this may lead to unapproachable.
2. You may have a look about you where you may seem already committed to someone else or you will be pissed if someone does approach you.
3. You may not be good at moving the conversations forward.
Reasons I would date you:
1. You have a lot going on for you so if I do get that chance then it is something to admire.
2. Good looking
3. Good conversations
Generally speaking if you want more attention, you just need to let out a much happier vibe about yourself and let go a little. Although I could be wrong about all of this. I don't know why you would want all that attention though. I think it would be better to have attention from decent people. It may not hurt to take risks yourself!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2014): It's like this, you aint got what your friends obviously HAVE when it comes to men, can't win em all!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2014): I personally found your post quite charming and very much in my own style. You know how to express yourself, and your self-description is a great display of your sense of humor. You are most enchanting. In writing, that is. How do you fare when out amongst other human-creatures? Particularly the male-gender of the species?!
By the way, don't be afraid to make the first move. You won't get slapped in hand-cuffs and charged with soliciting.
Feel free to put the moves on a guy you find attractive.
Once you get his attention, he'll figure out where you're coming from. Yes, we always hope we're getting picked up, but we change our thinking once we realize that isn't the case. Okay?
So why don't dudes get a hint? What is it that they don't notice about you, that they'd prefer women that you so humorously described? Intimidation? Maybe. Your petite frame and unimposing presence? Nah! Not at all.
Your Asian-heritage has absolutely nothing to do with it.
There are stereotypes for everyone. You can't be too sensitive about such tripe. You grow a thicker skin and beam with self-pride in spite of it. Nobody's perfect.
Why your other friends?
It's mostly charm and attitude. Facial expressions and body-language. We men are visual-creatures and approach women who look attractive; but their demeanor is inviting and says they are approachable. Your sense of fashion, feminine-mystique, and the personality-vibe you present is your beacon. These are all part of the package they expect to receive.
I am gay, with several heterosexual single-female friends.
Some are acquaintances through friends.
I have had the opportunity to go out with them; and watch them in action. I quietly observe their interaction with men, their behavior around men, and when other women are present. If we are in a bar or having dinner at a nice restaurant; there is always that one girl who becomes a shrinking violet. Did she wear the right dress, is her hair okay, did she apply too shadow? Then she hides behind her iPhone all evening pretending she has some social-life going on in some parallel-universe. Only her exterior is present. Lights on, nobody home.
She is happy and outgoing when amongst familiar people in her circle; but the minute a guy walks up, she freezes. I mean, she gets super quiet and her answers in response to his introduction or comments are almost business-like.
If he finally gets her comfortable enough to chat; she starts to drill him like he's on a job-interview. He's oozing with masculine-charm; and she wants to do an on-the-spot evaluation, if he's boyfriend/husband-material.
She barely remembers his name for goodness-sake!
It's that, or all he gets is her glassy-stare while he sits there talking to himself. So he ends up asking the chatty girlfriend with the skirt up to her um pa-lumpa for a dance.
Any of this sound familiar?
You are a professional-woman. You are intelligent and disciplined. Charming and witty. There, you deserved that.
You have to know when to present your evening-charm, and turn-off your polite office-persona. It is stiff and businesslike. It is too formal for casual occasions. The average guy feels he has no right to just walk up to such a lovely woman. When she looks like she either has this banker-husband stashed at home; or she is the daughter of some magnate who would investigate his background, if he so much as breathed too hard in her direction.
Any of this hit home?
You sound like a very attractive woman, by any standard.
Itty-bitty tea-cup booty and all. The padding may give you some sense of security, but it will limit your wardrobe to only clothing that can hide them. If I didn't know any better I'd think your post was written by Margaret Cho; but you're much younger.
If I noticed one of the girls being too Miss 21st-Century toward some guy who is just giving her a simple compliment; I remind her to take the stick out of butt. We all know she has her act together; but she also has to have manners and show some charm and be respectful. (Don't bring me along as wing-man, if you can handle criticism.) I get men when I want them. It's taken a lot of trial and error. Gay men are more difficult; because they wait for the other-guy to make the first move. Many fear rejection. Or like to be in the narcissistic position, to shoot you down in front of their friends. All you need is a good comeback, good pecs, and you'll bring them to their knees. Pardon the pun.
If the guy isn't dressed in a business-suit to demonstrate his financial success; or he seems a bit fashion-impaired, some ladies are quick to judge and snub him away. He could be the sweetest guy, a little rough around the edges. Some guys have a way, and they know how to get around the Miss All-that attitude. Most just don't have the time, and knows he has limitless choices. Why get shot-down, emasculated, and dished when you paid $25 to get in the club, or you have a $100 tab on the bar.
Every guy in the room notices snotty females, and will quickly label her a bitch. It isn't true, but that's the dating world. You are judged by the company you keep; so if your friends are out-going. I guess you have to be too. If your personality is inconsistent with your friends, you just look like the frumpy stuck-up one they dragged along.
Guys just ignore her. There is no possibility she'll ever put-out. Yeah, we size you up and prejudge too.
Some girls know how to readjust a guy's cocky attitude with class and finesse. Those women get the guys!
He may then tweak his interactive-skills, and turn on his best game. He's not dealing with a stick-in-the-mud, or a certified card-carrying kook; she's a lady with class.
He realizes it may not necessarily be his appearance or the fact he's not wearing an Armani suit; but he didn't use the right approach. No one likes a cheesy pickup line;, but you don't have to sick your flying-monkeys on the guy, and have them carry him off. So look friendly and be friendly. Shew away unwanted attention with style and diplomacy. Other men are watching, the right one for you may be one of them.
Stop sitting in judgement of your friends. They're apparently doing something right. They are not being bimbos like you try to demean them to be. They have lady-power and and they know how to use it.
The one thing I notice common among the girls that get the most attention; when a guy approaches, they smile. They don't shrink, they don't play coy, they hold their heads up and thrust out their boobs. Cup-size doesn't matter. It's their natural feminine-confidence. They snagged themselves a dude, and they know it ain't just the dress.
They don't give him a cold-stare, or work him over like a cop profiling a criminal. They relax and slightly tilt their heads. The guy instantly asks to buy her drink, or to have the seat next to her. He'll sit by, and have a chat. Even if you're not interested. You may turn down the drink, but accept a chat. That's how you get to evaluate a guy and make a connection. Being a pretty little doll-face isn't enough. There has to be a person beneath the surface.
You don't have to let your boobs fall out of your blouse,
you don't have to grind him into a pulp on the dance-floor.
Although these tactics will get you a one-night stand, he isn't likely to call. Observe your 200 lb. and double-digit IQ'd sisters. Learn what they do that works.
Then improve on it, and add your own style to it. You still have to be yourself. That includes what you're sitting on.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 March 2014):
 I am guessing you are Asian. Americans in general find Asians to be demanding and therefore intimidated before speaking to one. Growing up in a Chinese family I find my parents to be too discriminating to outsiders. Men can find you hot but would rather not risk rejection so they talk to women who seem to be more accepting.
A job application and a prospective date are two different things and require different strategy. Men are drawn to women who are vulnerable and express a need for men to protect them or make them happy. When you present yourself you got it all men don't know what they could offer you. A mind set of striving to be good enough won't go far in dating. Men don't look for perfection and I doubt anyone is perfect. When I go meet a friend I expect a good time, a relaxing unwind. You may seem too uptight for your circle of friends. If you don't like your friends anyway why hang out with them? Maybe you are not one of those who enjoy silly chit chat, or just talking about basically nothing. Which is fine, but you need to find your own group of people that you can share, and feel yourself.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 March 2014):
 My guess is that your problem is with your being unable to differentiate between adjectives (which modify nouns) and adverbs (which modify other parts of speech).
Specifically, I refer to that phrase at the end of your submittal, wherein you write: "....but it happens so rare that it might..." In that context, the word "rare" modifies the verb "happens"..... so should be the adverb "rarely".....
If you correct that problem, I predict that you will have guys falling all over themselves, trying to get your attention....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (8 March 2014):
 Your "long-winded bitter post" actually has a couple major clues in it as to why you've been striking out with men.
You list all the things you think are positive about yourself, which is great! Self-esteem is very important to have.
But... then you go on to tell us you use butt pads to fake a part of your appearance that you don't feel secure about. So clearly, although you're working on seeing the good things about yourself, there is some work still to be done. This tells me that you're
a) not 100% comfortable with yourself and your body, and
b) more than a little hung up on physical appearances...
...a point you hit home again when wondering why your "200-lb friend" gets hit on instead of you.
I don't think you mean to be cruel or shallow, but that's how your post comes across. Many people date for the whole package, not just the paper it's wrapped in. If your friend is getting attention that you are certain is not due to her physical appearance then she's successfully coming across to people as warm and confident yet approachable - a fun, kind person to be around. The same goes for the friend you think is a chromosome away from being "retarded" - which, by the way, is a word many people find offensive, so try not to use it in conversation with men you are hoping to impress.
So really, what you need to work on is less wondering about what men see in other women with flaws, and more learning to love yourself, accept your own flaws, and stop comparing yourself to other women. Cutting people down can be "attractive" in groups of women who want to feel socially current when talking to other women, but cattiness among women is definitely not something men are going to appreciate or even understand.
"But I don't say this to men!" you're likely thinking at this point. No, but it's almost impossible to harbor negativity and disdain and not communicate it in other ways, such as the tone of your voice or small cues in your behavior.
Present yourself as being confident but sweet and I think you will have much better luck.
Good luck and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (8 March 2014):
 As I read your post, I thought - well, she seems like a catch... I don't see anything wrong here... but then I saw the way you described your friends and thought, "ahhhh, perhaps I have found something".
Perhaps you come off as a bit cold? Maybe you're giving off vibes that deem you unapproachable. Your "200lbs friend", your "friend who's one chromosome over being severely retarded", maybe they give off warmth, people want to talk to them and get to know them. Study them -what are they doing right? Sometimes people who are quite logical can come off as chilly or better-than-thou. You say that you're funny - but only in writing. In person, not so much? Do you smile a lot in public? Would you consider yourself easy going?
You will find a guy who likes you just as you are... I'm sure of that. You're young and you won't stay single forever. But in the meantime, perhaps it's time to warm up a bit, or maybe initiating some conversations yourself instead of waiting to be chatted up (and maybe say nicer things about your friends).
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2014): maybe its your personality....looks aren't everything
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