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female
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anonymous
writes:hi, the other day i came across a envelope in my bf's desk, i was not snooping i was originally looking for something else, i noticed on this envelope it was addressed to my bf but not to our home address it was to a private box, this seemed strange to me because he had never mentioned that he had a private box for mail, i read the note in the envelope it was from a girl who was sending him a b'day invite to her 18th b'day. i feel this is strange becuase i have never heard of her before and its also strange how he has given this girl this secret private box address yet he has not told me his gf of 3 years. why would he be keeping it secret and why would he had never mentoined her before?, i dont know what to think! i want to ask him about it yet i dont want to start a fight, i dont understand if he is just friends with this girl then why does he hide things like that? what can i do? what can i say without starting a fight? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2007): go on girl, gather yourself together and ask!! and if he cant justify his actions, you have to give him a ultermation!!! he shares or he dont care!.. go on i dont think you can feel any lower,, good luck.. "YOU GO GIRL!!!. LOVE DEB X
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2007): Okay...trust your instincts. You either stay with this man and accept he has secrets or you ask him for a serious talk and address your concerns; I suggest in front of a couple's counsellor so you don't get mowed down with his anger and avoidance.
Either way, you have a choice here and you get to decide what happens next.
Best Wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjust un update on my situation, I asked him about the po box, and said i new he had one and i asked why he had never mentioned it, he got defensive and said that he does not have to tell me about everything he does and that he only got it so he does not have to give out his address to people he does not want knowing where he lives, i did not mention i knew about this girl, it was a couple of days later and he was chatting to her on his computer, and i walked in, i asked who that was and he told me her name and who she was and that they had been friends for awhile and told me how he knew her, and that he was trying to set her and his male friend up. after that i was not worried but then the other day i herd my bf and his male friend talking and from what i can gather from that converstation was my bf picked this girl up in his car and meet up with his male friend to introduce them, the strange thing is he never told me about any of this, his been keeping this girl a secret but i only found out about her and he only amitted to knowing her from when i seen he was chatting to her online, do you think im thiking to much in to this? im just abit worried as my bf has kept female friends a secret in the past and i have found secret emails and texts from different girls in the past that almost broke us up, im worried he has feelings or an attraction to this girl due to the way his hiding her from me, why would he not tell me that the 3 of them spent the day together?, i dont know what to think!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2007): Just go to him about the letter and ask him what is up. Seroiusly. Unless you are one of those people who thirve off of drama and let things build to a cresendo so that when you come down; it falls heavily on your head and you fall to pieces.
I wouldn't read into it as of yet.
Ask the BF. Tell him about the letter and that you need to know and you deserve an honest answer.
The fight will happen if you want it to or if he wants to be a dink and get defensive. Just wait for him to calm down.
Listen to him. Then go hmmmm. WALK AWAY. Think about it and talk to a trusted friend and say...this is what he says.
Then decide if it was truth and if it was something you could handle and that it WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN. After three years, there should be no 'secrets'.
Best Wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionggrrr she just changed her profile to single "not a good sign" should I be worried, I dont know if its worth causing a fight over?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe is 26 i am 21, i was able to find information on this girl, i foud her myspace, it looks to me that she is in a relationship with some guy. on the invertation to her b'day it stated to my bf's name and also "Significant other",if they were having a relationship, i dont think she would invited both of us to her b'day, so she does know about me. I cant check his mobile phone as he has a keylock on it, he keeps a lock on it because when he works he sometimes bumps it and in the past without it on he sometimes will call people by mistake. I cant check his computer as that also has a password on it. he has not changed or acting strange in anyway what so ever, I have a feeling he is just friends withe her but is keeping her a secret because 1)he likes her and does not want me to find out 2)thinks ill get jelous because in the past i found emails between him and another girl with flirting in it, but i just cant work out why he has not told me about the p.o box, in the past he has talked about getting one but he never said he actually got one.
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (19 February 2007):
 I like Malyce Synn72's answer. I could actually picture it in my head. How old are you two? Yes, I think most people in a realtionship would not keep a private postal box secret. Secrets are for one thing, to keep people unaware of something. It's a fair question on your part.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2007): I just found out my boyfriend of 7 years has been cheating on me. And he did things just like that. For me I found hidden pictures in an envelope of a girl I've never seen. Then I found her phone number on his business card. And I got suspicious. I loved him and didn't want to start a fight and didn't want him to think I was snooping so I never said anything. I never believed this until now but I was always told if you are suspicious or have this gut feeling he's cheating he probably is. As women we have really good intuition, and I just followed my intuition. Is that the only thing that's bothered you? Has he been acting a little different, but you just can't put your finger on it? I wouldn't confront him until you have other proof of cheating, cause if he is cheating he's going to deny it and make you feel like your crazy for thinking he's cheating. But if you just keep your eye on him and watch for signs and then confront him when you have more proof, then he can't deny it. The more my suspicion grew the more I started to dig for an answer, I eventually looked through his text msgs on his phone and found a bunch of msgs from the girl he was with. And with the phone number and name I was able to find her on Myspace and I emailed her. I confronted her first cause I knew he would just deny it. I told the girl I knew it wasn't her fault but that I just wanted to know if my intuition was right. Because I didn't blame her she told me everything, and all my intuitions were right... he had been with her for 3 months. In personal experience with a long term boyfriend, whom I loved so much, and watching the change in him and the signs, I would definatly say if he is keeping something so simple such as a postal address secret from you, he's hiding something. It's a HUGE red flag, and there will be more red flags. Just coming online for advice cause your intuition is making you think he's cheating is a big enough sign he probably is. I wish you the best.
-Jenny
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2007): Maybe he is a spy and it's code for you are needed for an assignment?
Maybe it is a dark family secret offspring, sibling?
How about hiring a private detective to figure out why he has a need for a private post thingie?
Or just sit on his desk and pick it up and say, can I read this. If he says no, say actually I already did. So what is up? And I would really appreciate the respect of an honest answer, thank you.
Prepare for the worst. And then ask him if this is something he is willing to not do in the future, lie, hide, conceal, mislead...honesty is so crucial for a loving relationship.
It's going to start a fight no matter as no one likes to be found out. So pretending and letting this fester will only make it even more ugly...deal with it now.
Best Wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2007): Just a word of advice. If he has a PO Box he is getting mail from a source that he does not want you to find out about. I know first hand. I found that my husband had a po box and it was was the sake of his many girlfriends to send gifts and letters. Beware, don't let him know that you know. Remain calm and let him hang himself.
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